To wish I’d known how miserable it is parenting alone (not a single parent)

[iwishihadknownthis]

But a husband who is at work more then he isn’t; basically because of his work hours I am responsible for getting us up and out in the morning and I am responsible for getting them to bed in the evening.

I know I’m going to get a load of suggestions and that’s not what I’m about. I’m just so worn down with it.

She has a husband.

YANBU - the thing that makes me sad about the years they were under 5 and at nursery is I really have very few good memories of us together as a family and a lot of it was pure drudgery. I really really love it now, once you get enough sleep, and you're not on care high alert 24 hours a day.

And I agree with @Goldbar - sometimes, a bit of lowering standards helps. A glass of wine, a non sensible easy dinner a few times a week, one night where you let them watch too much CBeebies. You've got to enjoy your life too.

Thanks so much for being so nice. I’m just relieved they are both in bed! My four year old isn’t too bad, in fact it isn’t as horrific as it was but it is exhausting. Hoping the one year old has a better night tonight.

@lakesandplains . Absolutely - my advice would be to forget a lot of what you have to do to be a "good" parent and focus on what brings you joy with your kids. Yesterday was fishcakes and potato wedges which my kids ate in the living-room in between bopping around to kids dance tracks and Danny Go. Today we had reheated leftovers and I kept them at the table by taping a large sheet of paper to it and giving them markers and stickers. Half a glass of wine for me. The mess can wait until the morning or DH can deal with it when he comes in. Laundry never makes it into the drawers so we just pick what we need out of a huge box. I go to bed very early and am up with the larks to grab a couple of hours to myself before the hordes awake.

I have very, very low standards 😂.

I'm in exactly the same boat. I do majority of the getting ready in the mornings, all drop offs and pick ups. Kids are 1 and 3 so still need help with undressing and dressing, preparing all meals, packing and sorting bags when we get in etc. Toddler cries some nights all the way to bed. I have to prepare tea one handed as I have to hold them, or listen to them scream and have them clamoring to climb my legs.

Currently still lying with 1 year old until I can transfer into cot and then have to clear up tea and sort stuff for tomorrow, make my own lunch ready for work etc. We have no family nearby and if my husband wants to continue in his chosen career then these are the hours. It's bloody hard work. But I'm hoping it will pass as they get older and more independent.

@Goldbar sounds excellent to me!!! Oh yes I'd forgotten about the dancing!

I've got my fingers crossed for a good night @iwishihadknownthis

Sounds grim.

I get you. I'm in the same boat and it's just boring isn't it? I fantasise about having a luxury nanny who could do the mornings for me so I don't have to get up, get kids dressed, make their lunchboxes, get myself dressed, take them to nursery then commute 1.5 hrs to my own work while putting on make up on the train...

Even better if luxury nanny could also be a make up artist for me, and lay out my clothes to wear before I get up, then take me to the train..

I have to say my experience of doing it alone in a relationship was soooo much harder than doing it alone not in a relationship. It's happened to me twice, first time it was easier as I didn't have the drain in my emotional and energy resources that maintaining a relationship cost so felt I had more energy left fir doing 100% of the parenting. Second time was the same but he actually has his kid overnight and sometimes takes my older two (who are not his but he loves as been their step parent fir years). My god time off and no emotional drain of maintaining a relationship with a man who's rarely home? It's thousands times easier than in a relationship doing everything with no time off!!

Yes it's really hard. My DH worked away a lot when ours were small and I did it all on my own. He worked hard so that I could be a SAHM but with 5 kids it was still tough doing all the mornings/school runs and tea/bath/bedtime alone. Most nights I fell into bed exhausted! No advice really except being very organised and making sure uniforms/lunchboxes/book bags/PE kits were all ready the night before and tea/bath/bed were done relatively early so bedtime was 7.30ish with stories and cuddles and lights out at 8. It does get easier as they get older so hang in there!

When we decided we'd have children my husband was around a lot. Once it got real he suddenly started having to do long hours and then work away Monday to Friday and it's very different to friends who have husbands at home every morning and evening. Sending you solidarity! Mine aren't at school yet and I love being a SAHM. But it isn't quite like I imagined with no husband until the weekend.

I have real issues with executive function so I find the organising everything difficult and soul-destroying - the nursery bag, the school bag, making sure the homework is done, remembering all the stuff school are asking for, the swim bag, the sports stuff etc.

The only solution I've found to that is coming through the door and making sure everything is ready for the next day (bags packed, clothes laid out in piles, homework done) before I start dinner or sit down. The mess doesn't matter, it can wait, but it's stressful in the morning rush if we don't have everything immediately to hand.

Solidarity OP- my husband is an emergency worker/long shifts/nights etc, away 4-5 nights a week works all weekend etc. I work FT. Kids are 7 and 10 now but my god its was hard when they were small. I only managed as I had family local to me. All the night wakings on my own was horrendous x

I've been shouted down for this before, but in some cases it is worse than being a single parent. My sister (who is great and supportive) has it so much better than I do - divorced, large settlement, maintenance and every other weekend has excellent childcare.

She does realise why divorce isn't a realistic option for me (don't ever get trapped in dependency) but it shouldn't be like this.

It’s tough op. It’s just me & 1 DD & I’m shattered! Although a lot less shattered now than when my ex lived here as I had more to do then!

hope things improve for you.

Well, you have decided to have 3 kids...

When they’re tiny I kind of think that if - if the other parent is decent the only real drawback is financial. Otherwise you both do at least get a break from them! I was kind of considering leaving DH at one point just to have a day ‘off’ per week.

Same OP; it’s done untold damage to our marriage and my DH doesn’t understand why

But her husband works all the time, and she's a parent doing it by herself, that's her whole aibu

It’s so hard in the evenings. I usually cave and put the TV on, then have to face the tantrum for the TV going off from an exhausted toddler.
It’s the laundry that gets me down. It never ends, there is always more to wash, dry and put away. It is thankless and unending and I always forget to check pockets for tissues and end up with the tiny shitty tissue scraps everywhere. Ugh.
Solidarity OP.

I feel you…
It’s very hard. I’m on the same boat.

OP is there hope of anything changing?

Is you DH in a specialised field (doctor etc) where this is likely to be the reality for the foreseeable future? Or would it be possible for him to change company and work less?

Also, does he earn enough to justify these hours?

I know you’re not looking for suggestions but just wondering if you have any light at the end of the tunnel.

Tbh I found it much worse being a parent who was doing it all whilst living with a largely absent and crappy husband than I do being an actual single parent.

Not because it was actually more worse - it wasn’t - but because the resentment is so exhausting in itself.