To wish I’d known how miserable it is parenting alone (not a single parent)

[iwishihadknownthis]

But a husband who is at work more then he isn’t; basically because of his work hours I am responsible for getting us up and out in the morning and I am responsible for getting them to bed in the evening.

I know I’m going to get a load of suggestions and that’s not what I’m about. I’m just so worn down with it.

Does your husband do those hours because he's paid to do long shifts? Or because he's struggling to finish his workload? Or something else?

In this day and age, he can surely get home early one day a week and do the pick up?

If not, resentment is going to set in.

I feel your pain. Had 3 under 3 and a husband working abroad Mon - Fri, staying in 5* hotels. It passes. He earned the money that has paid for us to have a nice life - my teacher salary would never go anywhere near.

I hear you. It's really hard.

My younger two had a 20 month age gap, and DH was out from around 6.30am until 7/7.30pm.
So, still home to pitch in with bedtime, but only really for the last part?
I worked weekends while he dealt with the kids, so it was definitely a team effort.
But, god it was hard work.

It's so tiring. Throw money at the problem as much as you possibly can

Been there done that - it was awful. It is not the same as being a single parent as you do have the second salary and the occasional support. It is the constant having to do everything yourself but then having to take DH's opinions when making decisions over child rearing eg choice of school etc. The number of times DH said I will be home at X pm but never was always some excuse too much work, had to pop and see someone on the way home etc etc.
What gets me is giving me instructions on child care when we look after the GDC which our kids have to bite their tongues.

Yes it is hard. I know because I’ve done just that with three.

for the last four years I’ve done it entirely alone in that he’s never there because he is not allowed to be. Enough said.

for the last two and a half years I’ve done it and worked f/t too going back to work when the youngest was five
there is nobody else to help
they are all currently primary school aged

not sure what to say other than I am not trying to berate you or judge you, but trust me it can be logistically so much harder than what you have right now and whilst that is not intended to serve as a sermon or lecture it’s hopefully going to make you feel less alone that I am in this thing called parenting. Though I can appreciate all the things that fuck you off as you describe are also draining.

look, you will get through it but it is an affront to your sense of self and what you think you signed up for. But if he is a good man, you love each other and your children are safe in all senses when he IS there then try to hold on to that. Their needs will change. Hopefully all those things won’t.

this too shall pass

I hear you OP. 15 months between my 2. It's relentless and the only advice I have is to sort things out with your DH now before it's too late and everyone just assumes you'll do everything. I didn't. My kids are now 17 and 18 and I wish I had. Teenagers need you FAR more than toddlers, and unfortunately are much harder work, but in a very different way

It is very likely the husband is simply staying longer at work to avoid the hard bits of parenting. I have seen it in any job I have ever had. Men hanging around late at work, even watching football on the computer, all to avoid going home until the kids are in bed.
It is not the job of other relatives to make up for a shit dad

Then no wonder you feel dismal. Nobody can function without sleep let alone enjoy life.

But the op is saying she’s getting kids ready by herself EVERY SINGLE DAY for months on end.

I've been a single parent since DC were 5 and 1 and it's a hell of a lot better than when I was doing 90% of the childcare and still in a relationship. I stopped being resentful and annoyed and focused on setting my own routines and boundaries and I've never looked back. My DC are older now and parenting alone gives me so much pleasure. You aren't being unreasonable to feel the way you do but you are in control of your own life, don't expect other people to prioritise your happiness if you won't.

I hear you OP. My DH is a pilot and when we had young kids and he was long haul it was pretty tough. Mostly the incessantness of it all. CBeebies, easy meals… kitchen discos, glasses of wine, friends all helped me through, but I do remember dreading weekends on my own and also that bit of late afternoon time.
I made a huge effort to network with other parents so I could ask for help when I needed it (no family around).
We got through it, though I do admit to feeling a bit resentful at times knowing DH was in a hotel with someone cooking, cleaning, making his bed etc. whilst I was unglamorously juggling everything at home and my own job.
On the flip side, there was something quite special about that time with the kids, we were a little team muddling through with no one else to raise an eyebrow when I decided to do something unusual like all pile into my bed at 5pm and watch a movie with sandwiches, or go to bed with the house in a tip…

I know exactly what you mean @PaddingtonBunny . DH is away next week and I have the same hotel envy.

Someone always suggests going full time on here and as someone’s already pointed out, it doesn’t exactly help the evening problem! It would also bring other problems with it. Besides, it wouldn’t work with DS’s school hours and he starts in September.

Hugs. My situation was the same when my kids were young, but I didn’t work. My Dh got home at 6 but wouldn’t help until he had got changed, had a break and got organised for the next day. He did help a bit, but would get annoyed that the house wasn’t spotless. All the meals have to be from scratch. I basically had to be a stepford wife.
I learned to take a break during the day, and took a couple of hours to do the shopping.
It’s easier now, the kids are older and Dh is more relaxed. It does get easier, but you really need to take some time to yourself on the weekends.

Oh OP, we get it!
DH worked away all week for the whole of our 2 DS's childhoods. 15 month gap between them. It was really tough.
It's more than ok to say you're finding it hard. There were definitely times where I thought "I didn't sign up for this!" and some days I just felt absolutely desperate to have a break. Both DS's were unbelievably crap sleepers too.
Agree with pp's - stuffing them in front of the tv with their food, letting chores slide, cancelling bath time and downscaling ambitions, it's all gone on in this house. Without any guilt. Do what you need to do to get all of you through the day.
We ate a lot of toasted sandwiches. They've survived their childhoods and have some nice memories of 'sofa sleepovers' with Mum in front of the tv😬
There were periods where DH was only home for a night a week (and with a ton of washing) and that was a massive strain on our marriage.

All fine now, but I recognise looking back how down I was for much of that time. Just had nothing left in the tank.
Wish I'd been on here then, if only to know there were others in the same position. It's good to let it out! x

Yep! Shit, lonely and exhausting. I remember feeling so resentful as it felt like his job was ruining my experience of parenting. I hope it improves for you soon.

Oh God I totally relate to fantasising about getting divorced to get every other weekend off! I love my DH but family life can be a bit dull and relentless. I guess it gets easier as they get older but it's still not easy - bedtime is still a lengthy chore in my house, that involves multiple checking in and kids who are masters at starting deep, emotional conversations and tears at 9.25pm 🙄 If only I had mastered the quick cuddle and lights out technique!

Yanbu. It's tough going to wrangle 2 under 5's at the best of time, and absolutely normal you would feel wiped out especially when I've of them is unwell and you are getting no sleep. Sometimes the only thing you can do is tell yourself that this too shall pass and know that things will get easier as they get older. I went through a similar situation and was exhausted with lack of sleep, we arranged for.me to spend a night at a local hotel. Being able to switch off from everything ( kids, housework,...) and get a decent sleep made the world of difference.

I get what you mean about solutions. My DH ended up having to change jobs because I ended up hating him for spending the week in a hotel while I was stuck with all the drudge work. The kids were really suffering too from how stressed and burnt out I was all the time.

If they are nursery age are they they not in bed by about 7? Then you'd have your evenings to relax? I didn't struggle then or now that they're teens we all just do our own thing but I was less keen when bedtime was 9ish as I didn't get much downtime.

@RhaenysRocks about half seven yes. My evening to relax is then frantically clearing up before going to bed myself. You don’t get much downtime when they wake up through the night.

I relate to this.

My DH worked away 7/10 days at a time when mine were little, home for 2/3 but was recovering from and then preparing for work in those days off. It was crap, and not what I’d choose in hindsight.

I have a very light hearted suggestion which is to grab and glass of wine one evening and watch Nightbitch (on Disney) it's a slightly odd film but sums up the loneliness of motherhood pretty well.

That works when they are all little but then the eldest may go to brownies or other activities which involve a 7:30 pick up.