Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

What are you on about ? OP isn’t still living in the marital home, and it’s not his property, it’s joint - they are both on the deeds and the mortgage. If OP was still living there, she wouldn’t legally have to pay rent, don’t be daft. And OP hasn’t said she’s unilaterally decided what she’s entitled to, what she said was that she’s taken legal advice and would be entitled to more than she’s actually taking.

Yes. Perhaps you’d like to tally up how much more you contributed than him. I am betting it’s a darn sight more than you’re walking off with.

And as for being fair, again, I would go for what you’re entitled to. You’re still financially carrying him and may regret it in a few years time.

When did you buy the new home and how long after did you separate?

Has the divorce gone through yet? Do you have the court financial order and decree absolute? Are you just waiting for the sale to go through and then everything is clean and divided between you? Was the house the only asset or do you or he have pensions and savings and stuff?

I ask only because I know from experience that until that process is complete, and everyone knows where they stand, changes to childcare arrangements, especially ones that effect when people can work or how much each party is earning, can be much more tense than once the ink is finally dry and everything is sorted.

On you basic point it’s not unreasonable to try and change arrangements for the children to better suit your needs but you do have to be careful how you manage the question and the expectation because you’re not a team anymore and what’s good for you might not be good off him and the other way around.

So this hasn't been finalised yet OP? I think you've agree to something that is unfair on you and your DC out of guilt. Your ex is never going to be easy and he is never going to prioritise the DC. So go back to your solicitor and ask for what you are entitled to. And get a proper CAO written up that means you don't need to facilitate his days. His days are his days to sort.

And if you read her updates, she says she was on the point of leaving anyway - nothing to do with the affair. My point is that if she had recognised her sexuality the likelihood is that the marriage would have ended anyway - especially if there were other problems, as she’s outlined in her updates.

The responses on this thread are bonkers. They would be entirely different if you hadn't admitted your emotional affair, OP (on which note, I suspect a lot of the posters on here don't realise that an emotional affair that unfolds as you're coming to terms with your sexuality is a uniquely difficult experience – I imagine it started out as a close friendship and you then realised your feelings were more than friendship etc etc).

Anyway. At this stage, OP, I think you are probably better off going the legal route. You've offered him an exceptionally good deal and he's still making life difficult for you. Ultimately, if it's a family home, in both your names, you would be entitled to at least 50% of it, regardless of where the money came from to purchase it – that's the risk you take when you get married. And if he's not doing 50/50 childcare he would also be required to pay you maintenance, AND be fully responsible for the children on "his" days.

I meant it’s fairly clear that the accusation of lack of morals isn’t warranted. Lots of moral outrage and pearl clutching here, with very little to go on as to what’s happened in the past. OP says she was on the point of leaving anyway. Without knowing the details we’re not in a position to judge her reasoning. And it wasn’t the point of her post.

He should be paying maintenance regardless of how little he earns, it's not right that he does bare minimum in terms of contact and also pays fuck all. Claim because it's important he realises he has a moral and legal obligation to HIS children and even a token amount is crucial in ensuring he remembers that.
I also agree that it's not childcare, it's parenting and it's not fair that it's all on you to manage everyone and everything. Can your partner help at all on Friday? Absolutely no after school club?

I think when it comes to childcare you’d be stupid to rely on an ex despite being the parent to just change their work because you changed your work.

The choices you make in your home shouldn’t force changes in the other.

At least one of your free children will not be considered as a child when divorcing. Maybe the second either.

In all likelihood he would only be paying maintenance for 2 children not 3 and maybe only one or soon one.

If you separated only a couple of years after his inheritance which fully paid for the family home, it's not at all a given that you'd be entitled to 50%.

You make it sound like you need extra money to house his children, but you are talking about one child for sure maybe two for a few more years.

You were married - you are going through a divorce, the family assets (the house - but also possibly pensions) should be divided on a needs basis, with the starting assumption being 50/50. Again, the starting assumption regarding the time spent with parents should be 50/50. Where the agreement is not 50/50, there should be a payment made from the party with less contact to the party with more contact.

Who did what to end the marriage is largely irrelevant in the eyes of the law.

"On you basic point it’s not unreasonable to try and change arrangements for the children to better suit your needs but you do have to be careful how you manage the question and the expectation because you’re not a team anymore and what’s good for you might not be good off him and the other way around."

This 👆🏼

The how you got to this point only serves to derail the post. Your later drip feed of having your LTP help with childcare should have been in your original post.

The thing is - getting more maintenance funding wouldn't solve the problem would it? There just isn't any available childcare options (and yes that really does happen esp in rural areas). That's why I think "paying" him not a bad idea- maybe not pay as in a pay slip etc etc, but just something to sweeten the deal- much as many of us subsidie our partners /give them gifts/buy the car etc etc - to make our working life easier and life good for the children

You've offered him an exceptionally good deal and he's still making life difficult for you
Not so sure. We don't even know about their pensions!

How much was his inheritance that paid for the house?

@Rosscameasdoody yes, I know - she still had the affair though. Totally unnecessary.

The details around your divorce are irrelevant.
Have you completed a financial order yet?
Also, it’s interesting that you say you’ve “found out you gave a new job”. In reality, you searched, applied and interviewed for a new job then told your ex once you got it.

He's being unreasonable. Have you thought of asking to finish early on Friday and work the hours lost by staying late other days?

If you've looked at above and it's not possible, he needs to either pay maintenance or step up and lose a couple of hours work - you should never have started dropping them off, he should have collected them.

I don't think you're BU asking him to cover 4 school pickups a month. That's minimal, yes inconvenient but that's kids for you.
Even if you were still together you would still have a childcare problem on Fridays, if both of you were working.
Can your child walk to his dad's house from school with a friend and their parent/carer, if it's too far to walk to yours? Or could your partner pick your child up on those days? Has your ex any family who could help?
What you did during the marriage has nothing to do with it, your ex still needs to do his share of caring for your joint child. He is lucky you're doing the lion's share, even on his days, as well as providing for them forevermore.

OP hasn’t said a single word about abuse.

Her posts just read as though she’s trying to justify her affair by going back and talking about the awful things he did before they even married - like I said above, it’s no different to all the men on the “relationships” board who try and say they’ve never been happy in their marriage and that’s why they were forced to go off with Rachel from accounts.

it stinks of re-writing history, that’s all, and that’s something that would go down like a pile of cold sick if it came from a man:

People also seem to mentioning op diddling him by having 50% of the house instead of maintenance because he's on a low wage. But op could divorce him, get 50% of it in the settlement anyway and make him pay maintenance, even if it was a paltry amount 🤷‍♀️

That wasn't a discussion

These kind of threads are brilliant for bringing the menz crawlies out... 😂 You are definitely NOT being unreasonable OP. Congratulations on your promotion. 💐

This has NOTHING to do with it. Keep it factual. Facts to do with the kids the money the assets

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her