Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

How much of the inheritance is the equity in the home? You said it was only 6/7 years ago and you are in a long term relationship. You shouldn’t have bought a house with his inheritance if you knew you wanted out of the relationship. Inheritance is usually exempt from assets too is it not?
If they equity came from both of yous working long term that’s different.
However on your actual question yes he should sort childcare for his Fridays and all days he has the children

It’s unclear what assets you brought to the marriage but £400k equity on his part isn’t nothing. What happened to your pension? Everything you had and everything he had should have been split surely?

Why you are splitting is fairly unimportant. What you spent while married is spent.

You shouldn’t have bought a house with his inheritance if you knew you wanted out of the relationship

Exactly.

She's openly admitted her affair.

But however morally repugnant you may find it, it's irrelevant.

Moral failings wont be considered in the divorce settlement.

Your mistake here @Childcare101sans was giving context to your split. Now your lazy co parent, who you’ve been subsidising and doing favours for is going to be a poor hapless victim to you the big bad harlot.

I’m going to guess that part of the motivation for your emotional affair was rooted in being married to a man who prioritises an unreliable, badly paid job over being financially stable and saw childcare and all associated costs as not his business.

Not taking maintainence and doing all the leg work to facilitate his contact time was another booboo. He’s the one who wants everything on his terms and you’ve been giving it to him. Hopefully this is the beginning of the real world starting to come in for him.

Perhaps when he starts moaning about how much money he’ll loose for 2 afternoons a month, you could share the childcare bills you’ve accrued whilst he’s been off living a majority child free life, doing as he pleases.

If he wants to act from bitterness, let him. And use the your rights under the terms of your divorce to get everything you are entitled to.

@GabriellaMontez I wasn't talking about what would be considered in a legal settlement - I was referring to all of OP's comments about how awful her ex's behaviour was - yet she chose to marry him, have three of his children over a fairly decent timespan and stay 25 years.

It just reads as though she's trying to excuse her affair by saying she was in a miserable marriage anyway - like men do every single day on here and women call them out on it.

The fact that you have a home where you currently live with your partner and dc could mean that you wouldn’t automatically be awarded 50% of the equity, especially as you have a higher income than him,

> He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?”

Well, he's not wrong...

Why don't you deal with this alternate Fridays
Talk to your employer, explain the situation

I totally agree with this!
"I was going to leave anyway"
"He was not a nice man"
All that jazz.. yeah right. It's not true. I don't believe the emotional affair either tbh, not that it changes things.

I'm sure we shouldn't be taking OP's character apart, but OP does not sound like someone I would want to be friends with.
If one of my friends (male or female) upped and left his wife for someone else, took money she had inherited and blamed it all on his wife, I would absolutely not be making excuses. That is horrible and deserves contempt. This is why society is what it is. No one is willing to say "Sarah you are being selfish". No we all say: "yeah I totally get it, he sounds like a prick".

> It's a really bad idea to try to rely on an Ex for childcare.

You do realise that the post you replied to could 100% be advice to him, as well as to you?
Read it as if his male friend was talking to him

YABVU to actively pursue money which came to him via inheritance, shameful in fact.

@Childcare101sans can you book regular annual leave for a couple of hours on his Fridays? Or work lunches/condense your hours? I know you shouldn't need to but it'll provide continuity for dc as your current arrangement won't change.

This is one of endless problems living in the middle of nowhere. Why people think it's living the dream to raise kids in rural locations I'll never know. It's just endless hassle.

Not at all unreasonable. Things will continue to change as your son gets older. You will both have to change and adapt current arrangements over time.

If he doesn't want to pick up on a Friday then he needs to arrange childcare as you will on your days. Besides, if he has any sort of brain he'll know that Friday nights with small kids after a week of school is always a bit of a bear garden. The opportunity for an early pick up and early dinner is a godsend.

If the children's father is currently doing about 20 percent of the child care, I don't see how he can reasonably complain about being asked to do a tiny bit more.

From a strictly practical perspective, can your oldest do anything to help with the school pickups? They shouldn’t have to, but you could always pay them if you were prepared to pay for childcare anyway.

He gave her half his inheritance though in exchange for not paying anything. He didn’t have to do that and I think it depends on the amount of the inheritance

Why do people keep saying that Friday after school until OP drops child off is "his time". It's not. His time, mutually agreed, starts when she drops him off after work. That is the agreed arrangement and the status quo.

If OP can no longer look after her child on her agreed time, then she needs to arrange childcare, or change her plans so she is available.

It is reasonable to ask him if he can/wants to start his time earlier, but he does not have to agree. If he doesn't agree to the change, then it is still her responsibility to cover the time she previously agreed to.

Whether he has the children enough, pays enough towards the children, should have more/less of the money from the house, who had an affair, what the pension split is, etc etc are all irrelevant to this question.

OP's time as agreed is up until the current agreed drop off time every other Friday. It is not right for her to change that without getting his express agreement because she wants to earn more money at the cost of him earning less. I'm not trying to say what they have agreed is right or fair, or trying to make any judgement on either parties behaviour (neither party come out well tbh). What I am saying is that it is unreasonable to unilaterally change the agreed contact schedule without express agreement on both sides. Agreement is not forthcoming, so the status quo remains - ergo it is up to OP to find childcare or accept she is not free to work over that period.

Absolutely this - I think presenting it as a done deal "i've got a new job, you need to do this" was unwise at best. I also think your attitude towards his inheritance is pretty grim as is your repainting the reason for the break up as his financial circumstances rather than your affair...

I think you’ve been given a hard time on here OP. As you say, you’d be entitled to half of any savings / property on a divorce anyway and your ex would then either have to pay you maintenance or provide 50% of the childcare. He’s done the former, but he’s not doing either of the latter and so I don’t think YABU in expecting him to up his game. It’s not like you’ve taken all his money - he’s got a lump sum to pay for a house and he has an earning capacity (which is doesn’t sound like he is fully utilising) and he should be providing for / looking after his kids.

A court would not make any moral judgment on the breakdown of the marriage (or the reason for it / who is to blame) but would instead sort the practical arrangements out - and that is what you both need to do here. I’m not condoning the affair (you seem to accept it wasn’t the best move anyway) but he really needs to work with you for the sake of the kids even if he is annoyed / upset with you (which is understandable).

Unfortunately not. 100% of my annual leave is for half term/school holidays.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 yeah but she paid the lions share of the mortgage and the bills. People are getting very get up on the inheritance but it only paid for part of the house. So it's most definitely partly her house. Plus she's spent on new housing rather than living the high life

@Childcare101sans

I don't give a rat's ass about the affair, the house or CM, it's irrelevant to the current problem.

You have an agreed upon (informal?) child arrangement. That arrangement is that you pick up DC after school on your exH's Friday. It is what it is. You agreed to it. If, in hindsight, that was a mistake it's not your ex's problem to solve.

No maintenance and you having responsibility for the DC 90% is also irrelevant because you agreed to this. Just because it no longer works for you that doesn't entitle you to unilaterally change the arrangement. You can and did ask. But he is entitled to say 'no'. Your only option (if he doesn't calm down & agree) is to take him to court for a formal child order in which he has the DC more often, or at least has them from end of the school day on his days.

Should he have his children more? I agree, he absolutely should. But he doesn't have to (under your current agreement) just because you and I (and probably the majority of posters) think he should. It sucks, but there it is.