Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

@Childcare101sans but being suitably housed could mean that you private rent, or use your own money, or your new partners money - it just seems very callous that you chose to have an affair and then chose to walk off with 200k "in lieu of maintenance" knowing he was a low earner and would never come close to ever paying you that amount.

You ask why people bring up the inheritance and it's because it's all part of a bigger picture. When it comes to emotions you can't just isolate one part of the whole picture - a lot of your ex's current behaviour is likely due to how you behaved all those years ago.

You reap what you sow, as they say.

I did mention upthread a little that some posts come across as advocating a kind of punishment for recognising your sexuality and not being prepared to live a lie. I know you mentioned that the marriage was over by that point anyway, but that situation wouldn’t have been sustainable long term. MN is guilty of double standards sometimes and I think this is one of them.

Yabu to title the post "changing childcare arramgements" sounds like childminder had them amd now moving to after school club. All of which would be none of his business. The problem is you want him to do a Fri afternoon. Perhaps he genuinely cant give up the flexibilty of being able to work Fridays or perhaps it is out of spite. It is rubbish he doesn't see it as good opportunity for extra time with child. There is nothing you can do to make him change unfortunately. Perhaps it can just confirm you made the right decsion to leave.

The finances and the housing are all seperate issues which you both previously agreed and arent really relevant. Neither is the emotional affair so dont think people should be jumping on that either.

For your own peace i would be focusing on solution rather than if ex being unreasonable.

I did mention upthread a little that some posts come across as advocating a kind of punishment for recognising your sexuality and not being prepared to live a lie.

Nobody has said OP should have lived a lie 🙄 they're saying that being gay isn't an excuse to have an affair - she could have just ended the marriage amicably first.

If you find someone to sort your Friday issue then he will benefit anyways. He is responsible as it’s his day but you also need to find a solution. The main thing is he will need to pay for his days.

Does he have someone who could pick up for him, mother? Is he actually working Friday afternoons? My BIL makes a big fuss being self employed but he is often finished early afternoon most days anyway.
If he is so poorly paid should he be self employed, would he be better off in employment (although you have no control of this now).

The OP is going to be getting 50% of his inheritance to which she wasn't entitled. it's what financed 'their' house.

Can I ask why on earth you think it would be fair for OP to just walk away from their joint marital home and take nothing, despite having a financial interest in it and having care of their two children for 90% of the time ? And given that CMS don’t expect the partner of the NRP to contribute to childcare, why would you expect the OP’s partner to ?

That’s an interesting view.

The bigger picture… so all the childcare and rent I paid for before since having children, we bought the marital home. Let’s take that into account then.
His lack of getting a decent job all this time and me taking the brunt of it. Let’s take that into account?
Me working full time all these years and still taking time off work when the children are unwell. Shall we take that into account?

Or, my partner paying for his children and him not contributing. Taking that into account?

But no, from your perspective, we should only take into account 6 months of a 25 year long relationship in which I had an emotional affair.

Makes sense 🧐

You chose to stay and to keep having children @Childcare101sans - let's not pretend you couldn't have left a long time ago.

I mean, if it was that bad, why on earth did you spend 25 years with him, marry him and have three of his kids?

Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Don't blame the affair and subsequent exit from the marriage due to moving on with your affair partner on being gay. Plenty of gay people have decency and integrity and don't cheat. You had an affair because your morals are lacking.

So you're punishing an ex, now that you're in a position where you can. And you're holding past failures you think he made against him, when you could have left.
Instead you stayed until someone turned your head and you felt better had come along..

If you read the OP and the updates I think it’s fairly clear that that’s not the case. Sounds to me like the marriage was headed for the rocks regardless of the affair because her ex wasn’t pulling his weight and put his own job satisfaction ahead of providing for his family. That put the financial burden as well as the care of their children squarely on OP’s shoulders. If one half of the relationship has already checked out then they can’t be surprised when the other half finds what they need elsewhere.

Punishing my ex?!

You do realise that if this goes to court I will be awarded likely more than 50% of the equity AND child maintenance?

Do you think courts do that to punish one of the parties?

No, the courts do this to make sure the children are provided for. Nothing more, nothing by less.

I think under the circumstances OP has stayed longer than most would have to be honest, and probably the affair was the catalyst for leaving - especially if OP has realised her true sexuality in the process. Why should she be forced to live a lie with a man who is only focused on his own self satisfaction and continually shifting responsibility onto OP ?

That’s absolutely how it comes across to me too. If he was that awful, why marry him, have three kids and stay put for 25 years?

It’s like all those men on the relationship boards who try and act like they’ve been miserable for 30 years in an attempt to justify their shit behaviour.

What's fairly clear? That she didn't have an affair? She did, and that's my point. If a marriage is on the rocks for whatever reason, then you try and fix it or you leave. You don't cheat. Unless you're a sneaky person with poor morals.

Why do you keep going on about her being forced to live a lie? If she felt she was gay she could have just asked for a divorce - absolutely no need for any affairs.

Well either the split of assets covered his “share” of costs or it didn’t but OP chose to tell us she received a lump sum rather than weekly/monthly payments for the children. Presumably we have to answer on the facts as presented.

I too asked why there wasn’t a 50:50 split in contact

I think most people agree that an affair is absolutely not ok.

But factually, this thread is about providing for the children.

Yes I agree, in hindsight this was a mistake
In hindsight, he might think it was a mistake not to charge your partner rent for occupying what is still half his property.

As for what he is entitled to, that's for a judge to decide if you don't agree. You can't unilaterally decide what it would be. Neither your solicitor.

What?!

You think my partner and I are living in the marital home?!

Leaving isn’t easy. Takes on average over five years to pluck up the courage to actually do it - longer if the partner is abusive. Let’s not pretend it’s the easiest thing in the world to up and leave with three kids, on your own.

She shouldn't. That's why there's things called doors.

You can walk out them and close them and never ever go back in.

If a woman is in a relationship she is unhappy in, doing all the childcare, paying all the costs whilst the feckless bloke she's withnlays about doing nothing..
Open door, walk through, close door.

Not staying for years on end, wait for a better option, then leave and think about how to get back at the person you wasted your life with.

Also :

You do realise that if this goes to court I will be awarded likely more than 50% of the equity AND child maintenance?

Unlikely. It would depend onany factors. The courts would look at fairness to both parties and what's in the children's bestninteres... If the children are over 10, they'll even talk to the kids and see what they'd like. Cafcass are wonderful people.

I apology, I did get this wrong. It does indeed make a difference that you are paying to live elsewhere.