Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

Childcare ? It’s his child, it’s called parenting!

you’re not being unreasonable OP

Anyone?

Having 50% of the jome is not the problem. I dont even think the fact that you broke up with him becuase you had an affair is the problem.

the problem is that between you, you agreed a settlement and a childcare arrangement. Whether or not that arrangement is entirely fair to either party is also not relevant. The relevant bit is that you are now changing the arrangement, and simply expect him to suck it up.

If I was that man I would be as awkward as I possibly could be. OP is in the wrong, had an affair. Walks away with her ex D h's inheritance and is now quibbling over a Friday pick up. He should have sat tight in the so called marital home.

In my opinion, you were doing him a favour by getting the kids from school on his Friday in the first place. You can no longer do this, so he needs to figure it out. Maybe you should have always had him do pick ups of his friday to begin with.

Yes I agree, in hindsight this was a mistake.

I think you'd have more of the moral high ground if you hadn't cheated, yes.

I see!

So because I had an emotional affair, the children should not be housed as securely.
Gotcha.

If your partner had an affair you would be a shit parent to your DC to make your exs life harder? It sounds like the inheritance has been her exs only contribution to raising the DC. He refused to get a stable job, do or pay for any childcare during their marriage. No wonder she had a bloody affair!

@Rosscameasdoody her sexuality is irrelevant- being gay doesn't give you a free pass to cheat on your partner.

If OP was unhappy she could have just left. Absolutely no need to cheat.

Not necessarily. You are very likely to leave at least 50% of the house to your partner/ husband/wife!

What has being gay got to do with your low morals and high demands?

@Childcare101sans wow, you certainly have a way of twisting people's words don't you?

Nobody forced you to cheat, you could have done the decent thing and separated properly before finding another woman 🙄

Don't act like you and your kids are all hard done by when this was 100% a choice you made!

Not according to my Will. 😊

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

Your OP was not about the children being housed securely. It was about you changing the goalposts in an agreed arrangement. You would have more of the moral highground about that if you hadn't cheated and were now trying to change the agreement to suit you and your job to the detriment of his.

Yes of course your exH needs to pick your DS up from school on Friday EOW! You might need to get your solicitor involved here.

Im not twisting words.

I agree I could have handled things better.

I was leaving him anyway.

However none of the above, nor the affair negate the fact that the home is in both our names, and all three children should be suitably housed upon a division of the marriage.

Thanks for clarifying. I think a lot of posters are misreading your OP and think you actually lived in the inherited house as the marital home.

Agreed. The original post was not about that.

Im wondering why people are trying to discuss the housing thing as well. 🤷‍♀️

I think you are confusing a few things. Housing children could also be renting, Ultimately the house is your financial asset which is why it keeps being brought up.

Anyway, I don’t think anyone should be asked to cut there work hours back, especially if you don’t know there outgoings or debt, You need to find a solution that works round the children or of thought about it before accepting the job rather than relying on somebody unreliable. I earn a lot more than my ex and wouldn’t expect him to cut back paid work to accommodate my career, that money goes back in to our daughter when he does see her.

Lots of talk by you about the children being housed securely but he also needs to provide this for them, which is probably why, being on a low income, he is worried about losing more money.

You’ve also not mentioned yet how you’re going to make your Friday work even if he ends up agreeing to it, seeing as you’ve exhausted all other options?

I’m not sure they are.

I believe they feel that morally I should not be using 50% of the equity to house the children due to my emotional affair.

I have discussed and clarified both of these things.

Because this is MN and posters will pick an OP apart and concentrate on something totally irrelevant to the advice you’re looking for. In this case it’s because you happened to mention that your ex inherited a house and posters have skimmed past the fact that it was sold to buy your joint marital home, and that you contributed to that, because the narrative is that you cheated on your ex and then made off with half his inheritance !!

OP - you are getting very upset about people who are making moral statements about your affiar. But I notice you're largely ignoring posts who are pointing out that you are changing the goal posts and thats not okay.

I honestly don't give a toss that you had an affair. Even if HE had had the affair and that is why the relationship ended, I'd still say you are being unreasoable to just expect hi to suck it up now that you've agreed chidlcare and long-term financial arrangements.

The only bit where you having an affair might be relevant is that if you'd divorced amicably perhaps he'd be more willing to agree o a new solution.