Ex pissed off im changing childcare arrangements. AIBU?

[Childcare101sans]

Background (I have friends on here who will guess who I am with this info - please don’t out me!)

-I left my ex husband after I had an emotional affair with a woman
-I am now live with and in a LT relationship with her
-Ex inherited a house 6-7 years ago which we sold and we bought the family home which he lives in and up for sale
-he see’s the kids 2 hours after work twice a week and every other weekend
-when we broke up, because he earns little, I asked for 50% of the house, will count that as him providing for his kids and he doesn’t need to pay maintenance

Ive just found out I have a new job, I have moved up in my career rapidly and will be getting a higher paid banding.

It means I’m less flexible and have to be in the office 9-5 M-F

We currently and have never had childcare on Fridays, so I collect our primary age son from school every Friday and either keep him if it’s my weekend with the kids or drop him to his dads later if it’s his weekend.

Ive asked my ex if he will collect him from school on his Fridays and I will have to somehow figure out my Fridays since I will be starting this new job.

He’s gone mad.
He hasn’t said yes or no.
He’s just said “so I lose out on work and money while you go to work for more money?” (He’s self employed)

I feel like I’m providing for the three kids on a day to day basis and 4 hours less a month for him isn’t that much of a hit.

I live rurally and I’ve been searching for 2 weeks for alternative options.
No after school clubs.
No friends available for that time.
No other childminders or teens of friends that could help. My older kids work/don’t drive unable to help.
Im still trying to find alternatives but failing.

Am I being unreasonable changing the goal posts to benefit the fact that I have a new and better paid job?

Yes granted things become more nuanced when you get into pensions etc but as a starting point her ex definitely should be contributing more to the kids (financially or with his time) more than he currently does.

Yanbu re childcare. He needs to step up.

Yabu re 50% of the house which was purchased with proceeds from his inheritance. That's not how maintenance works.

If you asked “Could you pick up ..” or demanded it “I need you to pick up…” The former is reasonable, the latter isn’t, especially if Friday is a day where he actually makes money.

I suspect that some of the backlash from him is because this would help you out and as you’re the ex, he doesn’t want you telling him what to do which is childish as it doesn’t take into account the child’s pov that time with daddy is better than at childcare but this is how things would work if you took him to court. (He’d say what days and times he wanted the kids and you would have to pay for childcare the rest of the time )

If you’d asked him before paying for childcare then that’s very reasonable but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

Why can't one of your older children collect and bring home the 6 year old? You said you have a 19 year old would they be able to do this if you pay for a taxi maybe? Just to add you're getting really drawn into chat on this thread and seem to be taking stuff really personally, maybe just focus on the replies like mine that just focus on your initial query.

Money is irrelevant if it’s his day it’s his childcare issue yes it’s inconvenient for him but I believe that’s how the courts do it like separate nursery bills for same child. Could he get a family member of his or someone else who could step in for the few hours?

the money side of it’s a different story
The house was a marital asset and would probably be split anyway only op knows if this is actually fair for example if he’s a low earner and she paid 20 years of previous rent before the house was purchased on top of supporting the children (child care bills clothes food ect) I think child maintenance should be paid too now as that money paid by her is his share from before especially If he’s not doing 50/50 children are not the physical or financial responsibility of just one parent! But if he’s always been more equal it seems a bit of a gray area maybe have a look at whole finances for both parents with a professional and check if this is fair.

Also just to add the affair and who it’s with is irrelevant people do that and marriages break down the division of the assets children and children’s well-being is most important. Add little one to the waiting list for Fridays wraparound care and tell him it’s temporary would be my honest solution to your current problem hopefully you will be able to get it sorted good luck with your new job!

It looks like the thread has swerved to maintenance and the house - which is not up for debate.

OP, I agree your ex should pick up the kids on his days, but realistically, you can't rely on him (and it sounds like you never did before now).

Is your 19-year-old still at home? Could you pay them to do pick-up?

Whatever you think abut it you can't make him do Friday afternoons.

You can go to court, you can refuse the job, you can ask yur employer for alternative hours or you can ask your partner or older child to help.

But you can't make him do Friday afternoons.

That first point you made stood out like a sore thumb to me. If he's a low earner, he wouldn't have given her much in child maintenance anyway but she found a way to rip off the bandage even harsher after the whole cheating fiasco by saying "give me 50% of your house proceedings and you never have to give childcare again". Sorry OP, i know the affair wasn't what you came here for but i can't help but feel for the guy. Anyway, in regards to childcare, discuss it and come up with a solution that works for both of you. These are both your children afterall and since he's self employed, he's more flexible. If, God forbid, something were to happen to you, would he not have to do it all alone? So, he shouldn't be complaining right now

Could you change that to free up some leave to use for Friday afternoons? Are there any holiday clubs around (check near work, not just near home)? Or a week staying at the grandparents? Or at home with older sibling (if old enough/not working)?

You had an affair and now live with the other woman

you want him to give you half his inherited house instead of maintenance (which as he’s a low earner wouldn’t be much). That’s massively beneficial to you

you unilaterally want to change arrangements that will benefit you and be an inconvenience to him

if you were a man you’d be slaughtered on here.

It sounds like you need to discuss changing contact but if it’s going to impact his income and he gave you a lump sum based on the arrangement you had it will likely need some getting used to.

You can dress it up however you want. You had an agreement with him. You want to change it. The decent thing to do is to ask him and accept his answer. You are no longer married and don't have the right to use his time to suit you. He has full autonomy over his working hours, they are none of your business. If you change something it is up to you to sort out any difficulties that arise due to that change.
If you are unhappy with the current arrangement then you need to go to court for a CAO. But again, he doesn't have to agree to something just to make your life easier. He doesn't have to facilitate your working hours.

No. She was doing him a big favour, picking up his child on his day to help him out. She doesn't have to continue doing it because he won't pick up his own child on his own day.

Perhaps it isn’t “his day”. Perhaps it’s visitation starting at 5:30 on Fridays to whenever on Sundays?

But she wasn't doing him a favour. The arrangement was that he was responsible for the children after 6pm (or whatever time it is he finishes work). If they were waking up at his on the Friday morning and then she was picking them up it would be different. But they aren't. They are her responsibility until hand over time, which is after he finishes work.

It wasn’t half of his inherited house. It was half of the joint marital property that the proceeds of the sale of the inherited house contributed to, and to which OP also contributed and was on the deeds and mortgage for.

How exactly is it ‘his house’ proceedings ?

Why is OP not entitled to her share of the proceeds from the house ? She contributed to the mortgage and is on the deeds. And if you read her updates it sounds as though she’s carried the lions share of the financial load for years.

The inheritance was used for the purchase of the marital home, which is a joint marital asset. Inheritance is not exempted unless it’s kept in the sole name of the person inheriting, and totally separate from any joint finances. Read the updates. OP has carried the majority of the financial burden for years. Why should she be expected not to benefit, given that she has 90% of the responsibility for the children.

Can the 19 year old pick up and care for the 6 year old for those couple of hours?

I've read the updates. I can't see specific figures?

All I can see is that it came out of his inheritance only a few years ago. So I think it's completely unreasonable to expect 50/50. Maintenance is a different issue.

The inheritance didn’t fully pay for the marital home. OP has already clarified that deeds and the mortgage were in joint names.

OP says her DH was a low earner and she carried much more of the financial responsibility because he was more interested in job satisfaction than paying the bills. OP also says that the inherited house didn’t pay entirely for their joint marital home - the deeds are in joint name and she pays the mortgage. Inheritance has no protection unless it’s kept completely separate to joint finances and assets, and in the sole name of the person inheriting. OP has 90% of the custody of their children and he’s paid no maintenance. I don’t thik 50/50 is unreasonable.