Blusher drama

[EndlessTreadmill]

I have 2DD aged 11 and 9.
The 11 year old, like many girls her age is into the whole skincare thing (no judgement please, I don't encourage it but do let her have a few products). She used some of her pocket money to buy a Pixi blusher thing (£20 I think) . It comes in a stick like a deodorant and you turn the bottom to make it come out of the top, like a lipsick basically. It was a prized possession, and she has had it about 2-3 weeks.
Then this weekend the girls were together in DD11 's bedroom, DD11 went to take a shower and DD9 used the blusher. Unfortunately, she must have used it a little bit less carefully than DD11, and when DD11 went to use it, she saw some slight sort of creases in the top of the product, and a few small smudges on the side of it and she now says it is 'bumpy' and uneven and terrible to use.

Now honestly the 'damage' is very very minor, I wouldn't even have noticed it, the product is still almost new, probably looks like it would for most people who used it normally for a couple of months. However, DD11 is completely hysterical about it, and just cannot get over it.
DD9 is upset, and has promised never to touch her sister's things again, b is a good girl and kind to her sister (who bosses her about), and definitely did not trash the blusher - curiosity got the better of her and she just tried it once. So there is no point in punishing her etc, it won't make the blusher like new again.

Part of me is telling her to just get a grip. I have also said I will buy her another one when this one is finished, but she needs to finish it as it's just a complete waste to not use an expensive product which is virtually new and totally usable (neither I nor DD9 wear blusher!).

On the other hand, she says it was her treat, bought with her own money, and now she has no pleasure in using it etc. And that it will take about 5 years to use up, so the offer to replace when it's used is pointless, she is just going to stop using it.

I can't work out if I am pandering to a spoilt child by replacing it, or if this is the sort of incident which she will still be using as an example of childhood unfairness in 20 years time.

YABU replace the blusher now
YANBU tell her to get a grip and suck it up

Don't make the youngest "the favourite " she shouldn't have been touching her sisters stuff. I know it seems trivial but it isn't to your 11 year old. I think the blusher should be replaced and get your dd a make up bag shr can keep in her room.

Agree, me too, dd2 behaviour certainly was malicious, waiting until her sister was in the shower and then ruining her treasured possessions. Dd2 needs to pay for a replacement and to understand that this kind of behaviour is never acceptable.

I once touched my DD's new vaseline pot and broke the surface and she went insane! I suspect the reason your oldest is so upset is the unfairness aspect, as she sees it. She saved up for something that was special and perfect to her and now she feels it's been spoiled. Yes that's life, shit happens, but unless that's a lesson you particularly need to teach her now it won't cause lasting damage for you to replace it. Let her keep the old one and use it for sleepovers etc. when they're playing with make up. I wouldn't give the old one to your youngest or she's basically been rewarded for what she did, but I wouldn't punish her either if she's learned her lesson and understands how serious this is to her sister and that if it happens again the replacement will come out of her pocket money. Or maybe she can pay a few pounds towards it but not the whole lot? I'd make sure the oldest knows that you won't always replace things if they get damaged, but this one time you are going to. Sometimes it's not worth the whole family being disrupted over a blusher.

And no judgement about make-up. There was an excellent discussion on tweens and skincare on the rest is entertainment podcast just before Christmas (17 December episode: Lisa Nandy, Tech Bros & The Sephora Crisis) - we and our daughters are up against some very powerful influences here.

Why is it an issue ? My 4 year old has a little Claire’s makeup set she loves and some Disney nail polishes that peel off ? My older dd at that age would spend all her time in the mud playing with worms. Children can make decisions about what they like and want to do and make up is only a milder version of face paint and everyone is ok with that for kids ?

Its way too young to be obsessed with blusher and looks

DD11 is a good little girl who saved up her own money to buy her own make up and now feels it has been ruined. She isn't, of course, hysterical, she's upset and you have tried to minimise that and it isn't working.

DD9 is being spoilt because you are favouring her over DD11

Buy DD11 a new blusher.

Now I’m reminiscing about the little palette I had aged about 8. It had 2 rectangular blushes and 3 heart shaped eye shadows in green blue and an orangey colour and a lipstick that you could pull
apart and it was 2 colours in one. I absolutely adored that set 😂

I don't think it matters what the item was, the younger sister used it and spoilt it for the older daughter.

Yes it may be superficial damage to you but when we are young our possessions are often cherished items.

You should replace it and NOT let the younger daughter have it.

I do think you sound as very much favouring the younger daughter .

I also read this as the younger daughter is the favoured child.

Do you think it's possible that the extreme reaction isn't just about the blusher being ruined, but also about her sister ruining her shit and there being no repercussions?

I still have minor resentment to my parents for not making my sister replace my items she damaged. Again, unintentional but my reasoning is that if it was a friend, neighbour or other relatives items she had damaged she would have had to reimburse them or replace so why not me? It sends the message that if it’s my things it doesn’t matter.

As others have said, your eldest is behaving this way because she does not feel like she is heard or understood by you. Her treasured and longed for item has been tainted and you are understanding towards her sister who touched it when she knew she shouldn't be touching it whilst reprimanding her for overreacting. Of course she feels the injustice!

Personally, I would make sure DD2 has a consequence for touching it when she knew she shouldn't have and apologise to DD1 for saying she overreacted. Offer to try fix it with suggestions on here and if she is still not happy, it can be replaced. If she is happy with it once you have fixed it, DD2 her something else that is small to make up for it otherwise she needs to replace it

@Peachhearts
I'm sorry but an 11 year girl who is already following skin care regimes and spending £20 on a blusher has already bought into the obsession with appearance that is so prevalent in society. And it sounds like at 9 her younger sister is already going down the same route.
Why are girl children being taught that society only values them for what they look like, not who they are as a person?

Also you don't want your 9 year old to be the eternal baby of the family because by the time she's a teen then adult she could turn a total nightmare.

This is slightly off topic but after my 11 year old insisted on buying a Milk blusher with her own money for around £20 when it was running down I bought her what looked the same from Elf for £5 to try and get her into more reasonably priced stuff! In case useful for you, these ones…

I don’t wear blusher or have expensive make up so was slightly horrified by her Milk purchase, but it was her money and takes up less room than squishmallow number 236 would have do there are some positives!

I was using cleansing lotion on my face at 11 and had a make up set I'm mid 50s its not a new thing, just maybe a bit pricier. You didn't actually add much to the thread just how disappointed you were in the Op and her "looks obsessed" daughter.

This really would depend on how the behaviour of the eldest child is 99% of the time. If she is an amazing kid who does incredibly well at school and is kind and thoughtful and pretty much never puts a foot wrong, I think I’d replace it. If she veers towards diva like behaviour and just expects everything her way or the highway then I’d tell her to suck it up and stop being ridiculous.

The product will not need replacing and I think your DD is being precious and I personally wouldn't pander to it.

Definitely come down on dd9 for using it and remind her of boundaries

I have this blusher. I’m sorry but it’d be very very difficult to ruin it. I think your dd1 is overreacting. My daughter borrows mine all the time, isn’t half as careful as I am with it, but you can’t even tell it’s been used.

I'm clearly in a minority of 1 here but I wouldn't replace it, nor pay for it, nor make DD2 pay for it.

Has your older daughter never broken anything in your home? Dropped a cup or plate? Damaged younger sister's toys? Was she made to pay for it?

Younger sister used something that belongs to older sister. She shouldn't have. She should apologise and learn from this, there should be a conversation about respect and boundaries. That would be the end of it for me.

I would not be encouraging DD1's hysteria reaction - crying and unable to concentrate at school is a ridiculous overreaction that I would nip in the bud. I would instead teach her about resilience and perspective.

I also would not encourage replacing a "high value" item that is still completely usable just because it has small marks that don't impede its use at all. If you accidentally scratch your car do you go out and buy a new one? What about if you spill something on your sofa? What an absolute waste of product and money.

It's not about the amount of damage to the blusher, it's about the fact that she spent her own money on something she absolutely loved and cherished, and her little sister messed with it and made it less special and apparently you're not backing her up when it comes to respecting other people's things.

To you, it's just a blusher. To her, it's more than that. She's 11.

When I was 11 or 12 someone bought me a really lovely hardcover notebook with beautiful paper. I loved it and couldn't wait to use it. I had various plans for it. I was a kid who was obsessed with stationery and this was proper, grown-up, expensive stationery. Anyway - my sister (who was a bloody adult, I might add) was on the phone and needed to write something down so she grabbed my notebook and scribbled it down on the first page. I went absolutely mental and my sister told me I was being stupid and my mum said 'just tear out the page, you'll never know it was even there' which was probably true but I was incandescent with rage because my Nice Thing that was just for me was fucked about with by someone who couldn't bring themselves to respect my property or appreciate that it was important to me. I never felt the same about the notebook again.

This is the same situation and if your 9-year-old doesn't have the pocket money to replace the blusher, I would buy your 11-year-old a new one.

Hairdryer and smooth it?

I used to be DD1. My little sister loved borrowing my things etc and I used to be SO precious about my things. My mum never really paid attention to it. To be honest, I've never grown out of it. I still am very precious about my things and don't like sharing.. however as an adult, I force myself to be different as I do have to just get over things if they get ruined. I would tell DD11 this would have happened eventually if she used the blusher a bit more, that it isn't ruined and it is fine to continue using. It feels harsh but I think replacing the entire thing is unnecessary. And DD9 is only a kiddo, I think you're right not to punish her.

This. Articulated in a way I couldn't.

I'd try and repair it just as it would be a total waste if there is so much product left. Would dd11 compromise if you bought her something skin care related to compensate?

I used to get told that I was treating my children differently and that I was telling off my older child and not his brother. But that's because his brother never did anything wrong! He was actually really scared of doing anything wrong and terrified of being told off. It's not about favouritism but it would have been madness to treat them exactly the same.

I do think it's madness for a child to think that spending £20 on a blusher is normal. I'm 52 and have been wearing a full face of make up for over 35 years and I've never spent more than £10 on a blusher.