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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and Mum's funeral

125 replies

OneGreenBiscuit · 28/01/2025 22:29

Hi, need some thoughts as don't know whether I am being unreasonable
Lost my Mum suddenly last week she was only 70 😔
Parents always got on well with mil often included in family events however for her funeral myself and 2 sisters are walking with our dh's and adult grandchildren and my Dad behind car carrying short distance to the crematorium from her home.
This is particularly poignant as we did this with my mum when we lost my other sister 10 years ago
My mil has kicked off and told my dh that she should be with us as she's family, she now appears to not be speaking to myself or dh
I feel it should just be immediate family which is what my sisters think but the whole thing is making me feel ill

OP posts:
IndigoDynamo · 28/01/2025 22:33

I’m sorry for your loss OP. 💐

Your DH needs to tell your MIL that this isn’t about her - she should respect your wishes.

FantasticMax · 28/01/2025 22:34

I'm so sorry about your Mother. Yes, she is being AIBU and I can't believe she is kicking up a stink at this time. Your DH needs to have a word with her.

Fleaspray · 28/01/2025 22:34

She sounds awful. You’re not being unreasonable. Why would anyone make something like this all about them? So sorry for the loss of your Mum.

Kickingasssince72 · 28/01/2025 22:34

Sorry for your loss. You do what you want, it's your mum. Your mil has not right to an opinion. I actually didn't invite my mil to my DM funeral as I was worried she'd make it all about her, I have no regrets. I did let her come to my DF funeral 6 months later, it was my parents and my choice.

Greenfluffyball · 28/01/2025 22:35

Tell her to do one, selfish article trying to make the loss of your mum about her.

Fargo79 · 28/01/2025 22:35

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a horrible shock for you.

My advice would be to get your DH to contact her and tell her you both are focused on grieving and preparing for the funeral and won't be dealing with any conflict with her for the foreseeable. DH needs to tell her that funeral plans are not up for negotiation (and tbh my DH would be giving his mother a few home truths as well in this scenario).

Then just put her to the back of your mind and concentrate on yourself and your family. If she won't buzz off, block her for now. You can deal with her at a later time when you've got the headspace.

Original poster
OneGreenBiscuit · 28/01/2025 22:38

Thank you for your replies, it confirms what in my heart I knew but when you are grieving as well as trying to deal with everything else I think I've just ended up doubting myself

OP posts:
BeaAndBen · 28/01/2025 22:39

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think your MIL is absolutely mad to make any demands at this point and it's your DH's job to run interference on your behalf.

DaftyLass · 28/01/2025 22:40

I'm very sorry for your loss, and DH needs to have a work quickly and quietly with his mum

Cabinqueen · 28/01/2025 22:40

As usual, first post nails it! I'm sorry for your loss xx

Icanflyhigh · 28/01/2025 22:40

So sorry for your sudden loss op, you're not being unreasonable at all and MIL needs to wind her neck in and do as she's told on this occasion. Will your DH step up and tell her to back off?

I hope everything goes as well as it can on the day, be kind to yourself x

Neolara · 28/01/2025 22:42

I think this is one of those moments when your DH needs to tell his mother to get a grip and stop being so ridiculous.

Original poster
OneGreenBiscuit · 28/01/2025 22:48

Yes he has said that he is going to speak to her about it, I think he was so taken back at the time that although he did say a little to her but he knows he needs to speak to her properly

OP posts:
TheFourthTime · 28/01/2025 22:57

I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t really think your husband should have even relayed this message to you. But as he has, he needs to nip this in the bud and you should not have to waste a second of your time worrying about your mother-in-law. Wishing you love and strength.

Amybelle88 · 28/01/2025 22:58

You are not being unreasonable.

We always have immediate family only - it's lovely that they got on but she's not immediate family, she's your in-law.

Tell her it's not about her and if she doesn't want to speak to you, leave her to it, you have enough to deal with right now.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

TriangleLight · 28/01/2025 22:59

She’s a bam. Ignore and concentrate on you and your family

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 28/01/2025 23:07

What a truly selfish and self centered piece of work she is. Ask your dh to put her straight and whilst he's at it he should tell her he'll be busy on the day supporting you, not babysitting her. I hope it goes as well as it can for you.

fairyup · 28/01/2025 23:08

So sorry for your loss 🌷

Your DH needs to sort this himself and keep you out of it. You don't need the added stress.

BBQPete · 28/01/2025 23:11

IndigoDynamo · 28/01/2025 22:33

I’m sorry for your loss OP. 💐

Your DH needs to tell your MIL that this isn’t about her - she should respect your wishes.

This.

Not sure why she would even think this as she isn't the partner or child or grandchild of the deceased, but even if she did think this, she should be aware it isn't up to her to make that choice.

Agree your dh needs to speak to her and make it clear this isn't about her and she should just attend the service like any other family friend.

BarbaraHoward · 28/01/2025 23:12

She's crazy. Very normal for her to be at the funeral, but definitely not among the close family.

TravellingTartan · 28/01/2025 23:18

So sorry for your loss OP, can't believe your MIL is making all about her.

She's completely batshit crazy. Have your sisters got in laws?

How weird would it be for your BILs' mum and dads to be walking behind the coffin too.

Let your DP handle her, your MIL is probably sad and shocked too and not thinking rationally. Not that that's an excuse.

Glad you have a supportive DP.

Enough4me · 28/01/2025 23:18

Sorry for your news OP.
Once your DH has spoken with her she should get a sense of reality and stop the nasty behaviour. If she doesn't, back away from her and focus on those who have been there for you.

bridgetreilly · 28/01/2025 23:19

MIL gets absolutely no say in this. Your DH needs to be supporting you. End of.

Honeyroar · 28/01/2025 23:22

Is she coming on her own or something, and perhaps feeling nervous about being alone? Just trying to think of a reason why she might do this? (Although it’s probably not that if she’s actually sulking about it)

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/01/2025 23:29

She's being daft. Hopefully she's just a bit shocked and your DH can talk to her and remind her that their job is to support you. There has to be a cut-off for 'close family' and if you include her what about your siblings' in-laws? Or the partners and their parents of the adult grandchildren?

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