Mil and Mum's funeral

[OneGreenBiscuit]

Hi, need some thoughts as don't know whether I am being unreasonable
Lost my Mum suddenly last week she was only 70 😔
Parents always got on well with mil often included in family events however for her funeral myself and 2 sisters are walking with our dh's and adult grandchildren and my Dad behind car carrying short distance to the crematorium from her home.
This is particularly poignant as we did this with my mum when we lost my other sister 10 years ago
My mil has kicked off and told my dh that she should be with us as she's family, she now appears to not be speaking to myself or dh
I feel it should just be immediate family which is what my sisters think but the whole thing is making me feel ill

I don’t know if I could continue to have a relationship with someone who behaved like this at what must be one of the hardest times in your life. How awful of her to make it about her. She should be supporting you in any way you need or want.

She is wrong.
However selfish she is being, is it coming from a place of insecurity/anxiety...as in who will she walk with/be with whilst close family are following the car?

Can you buddy her up with someone?

Your husband needs to handle his mother. You must not have to. If she carries on, he must tell her she must not attend the funeral at all.

Condolences.

Other people's behaviour around death and funerals never ceases to amaze me. My mum left my dad for another man when I was 6 months old and broke his heart. She insisted on being in the family car when he died, and tried to get my brother to edit the eulogy he wrote about him to big up her role in Dad's life.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss, and that your mil is making it more difficult. Let your husband deal with it and try not to give it another thought.

Funerals and deaths can bring out the worst in people. Sounds like she’s already tricky - a bit narcissistic perhaps?
I’ve got one of these in my life and around a close family funeral it really escalated and caused me so much stress, on top of the grief. Try your best to ignore it - hopefully your DH can sort but I’d be tempted to put some distance in after this

You poor love, this is the very last thing you need. Leave this to dh to tell his mother she slots in or she doesn’t come. I would have no time for this at all.

Thank you again for all your replies
My dh only told me because I had messaged her and she'd read it and not responded, which I thought was odd and obviously how I know she's not speaking to me!

I think the situation feels so personal to me as well because as mentioned we lost my sister 10 years and all the people walking are the ones that walked with her including obviously my Mum at the time, and the journey is the same including her ashes being buried in plot next to my sister. So it's raw anyway but also throwing up other memories

Your replies have confirmed what I thought so I will just leave her to get on with it, I am a worrier by nature so not easy but I have to try and just put me and my Dad and siblings first

Just focus on yourself for now op. Your mil is really showing her true colours. You can deal with this another time, but for now you will be in shock, the grief is raw. I would stop communicating with mil altogether, and let your dh take over. You need to be protected right now.

It's unfortunate that over something this sensitive she wants to make it about her. I expect she will be eternally agrieved and make sure you know how unhappy she is not to be included but this really isn't about her and she shouldn't be trying to make it that way. Hopefully your DH can put it over clearly enough that she can see she's being a bit of an arse about this and needs to wind her neck in.

Your husband needs to tell his mother that your loss is not her stage, your mum's funeral is not about her and that if she attends she is to cause no drama. No matter what you might think about funeral arrangements you don't bother the bereaved about it, you just get on with it. So sorry for your loss OP.

So sorry for your loss, @OneGreenBiscuit The shock must be awful.

I came on to say almost exactly what @Fargo79 has written.

And your DH should not pass on any further nonsense info from his mother at this time.

You mention she has form for trying to place herself at the centre of things. Could your DH be vigilant about her trying to do this on the day? Unreasonable travel demands, fainting spells, 'you must stay with me' etc. Perhaps get a neighbour or family friend to help distract her.

Absolutely this. 💐

She is being very unreasonable. She is making this about her, and forgetting you are grieving. What a selfish person.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It sounds as if you've already had sorrow in your life, with the death of your sister. Now your mum. Condolences to you and your family.

My guess is that your MIL is around the same age as your mum and is in shock and possibly panic that your mother died unexpectedly at what is these days considered a relatively young age. I was very shocked last year when a good acquaintance, apparently fit and healthy, died within a month of being diagnosed with a cancer she had no idea she had. She was my age. It was a reminder of how precarious life can be and quite difficult to deal with for a while.

It doesn't excuse her reaction but it may explain it. She may, subconsciously, be trying to avoid going to the funeral by acting out her distress. I've known people who couldn't bear to attend the funerals of their contemporaries.

It amazes me that someone thinks they can come in and railroad someone else’s funeral, regardless of the families thoughts and feelings.

this is for your father & siblings to decide how to conduct your mothers funeral & certainly not your MILs place at all

as for now not talking to you as she has been told, her behaviour is quite despicable

Your MIL is so cruel to be trying to insert herself into this grief. She must be bored or something and want attention

This woman needs to get back in the sea and let you grieve your mother as you see fit.

Wow, even if she felt offended she should have kept it to herself. As if you don’t have enough to worry about right now.

Terrible behaviour from your MIL. Complete failure to put your feelings first.

Fancy giving the silent treatment to someone who's just lost her beloved mum unexpectedly, over not being allowed to put oneself at front and centre of the day. Awful behaviour.

So sorry for your loss, OP. The day as you have planned it sounds like a lovely tribute to your mother (and of course the sons-in-law should be part of it, they have married into the family and are the fathers of your DM's grandchildren, doesn't mean their immediate family should be included too!).

Tell her to get fucked.
She'll get her day when she's in the coffin.
Its not about her.

I'm shocked that no one else here can see that MIL might be shocked to the core by what's happened to OP's mum. I wish people would stop call her cruel, outrageous, scene-stealing and worse and think for a moment how you'd feel if one of your close friends died very unexpectedly.

I suspect what her behaviour is telling you, OP, is that she is very shaken by your mum's death. You say they got on well. I'm guessing that she was very fond of your mum and she'd like to be included in paying her respects to her by walking behind the coffin. Because she's shaken she isn't linking things up with your sister's death and the fact that you are managing your grief for both sister and mother by trying to recreate what happened at your sister's funeral. Up to you whether you decide to accommodate her grief by including her in the walking party or ask her to follow with the other mourners. But for heavens sake, please ignore all the thoughtless knee-jerk comments on here.

I am so sorry for your loss MIL is totally unreasonable, do whatever you think is best to get through the day. MIL should not have any say in the arrangements whatsoever, she should be supporting you at this sad time.

It is absolutely appalling but not unusual for people to behave like this.
At this time your MIL could be a great support to you all if you needed her, including doing a bit of batch cooking or helping with practical tasks.
Throwing a strop like this is ridiculous.
Does she have a husband, partner or relative who would normally be with her?
Sorry for the loss of your mum and so very sad that you have already lost a beloved sister.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss @OneGreenBiscuit 💐

I echo what the others have suggested that your DH has to speak with her and tell her to cut it out or she isn't welcome to attend. End of story! It is not about her level of grief being more than, so she can pipe down.

I do not understand why when it comes to big occasions some people go completely dolally about them and it amounts to a competition of grief or celebration.

On the day, you make sure that you have the people you want and need around you. My heart goes out to your father too.