Page 5 | Mil and Mum's funeral

OneGreenBiscuit · 2025-01-28T22:29:07+00:00

Hi, need some thoughts as don't know whether I am being unreasonable Lost my Mum suddenly last week she was only 70 😔 Parents always got on well with mil often included in family events however for her funeral myself and 2 sisters are walking with our dh's and adult grandchildren and my Dad behind car carrying short distance to the crematorium from her home. This is particularly poignant as we did this with my mum when we lost my other sister 10 years ago My mil has kicked off and told my dh that she should be with us as she's family, she now appears to not be speaking to myself or dh I feel it should just be immediate family which is what my sisters think but the whole thing is making me feel ill

LAMPS1 · 29/01/2025 09:48

Does she think your two sisters’ MIL’s should also be walking behind the coffin or just her.

Of course she is wrong to cause a fuss over this.

Is it possible she wants to go to your mum’s funeral but is afraid to walk in to the crematorium alone and sit on her own and that’s why she wants to be with all of you?

Sorry for your loss OP. And sorry this is an added problem for you to contend with.

SerafinasGoose · 29/01/2025 09:49

Muddysocks1 · 29/01/2025 07:44

Funerals and deaths can bring out the worst in people. Sounds like she’s already tricky - a bit narcissistic perhaps?
I’ve got one of these in my life and around a close family funeral it really escalated and caused me so much stress, on top of the grief. Try your best to ignore it - hopefully your DH can sort but I’d be tempted to put some distance in after this

Not to mention weddings and Christmas. Occasions viewed as socially important have a very nasty habit of showing people for exactly what they are.

Grief is horrendous. It's irrational. I would overlook a lot from a person who is grieving. But the idea that the grief of someone not actually related to the deceased should usurp that of her actual daughter - who is then in some way being made responsible for codding her MiL through an awful experience when she is the one most in need of support - goes beyond mere enabling. It's nothing short of malicious.

Yet again, we see from this thread the usual social pressure for women to take on the burden of care for others, at one of the few times in life when they'd be expected to prioritise themselves. Those posting this toxic variety of #BeKind messages need to pull themselves together.

MyDeftDuck · 29/01/2025 09:50

I am deeply sorry for your loss.
MIL is certainly NOT immediate family and I am surprised she has even considered being part of your family group.
I think it is a lovely thing that you are proposing to do too.

XWKD · 29/01/2025 09:50

I'm so sorry for your loss. Tell the MIL of fuck off. The arrangements are none of her business.

TonTonMacoute · 29/01/2025 09:57

DH to MIL: Mum, you are upsetting Biscuit at a time of great sadness, and you are embarrassing me in front of her whole family. Please just do as we ask. But if you cannot do that and behave like a reasonable and dignified human being, you will not be welcome at the funeral.

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2025 10:07

I am sorry about your Mum, I lost mine recently so I appreciate how shocking it all is and you really don't need to be dealing with this as well.
My MIL came to my Mums funeral and while she did generally behave she kept telling The DC that she would be next so they should visit her more often!
Even if for some reason your MIL feels she should be included with the group of walkers (she shouldn't) kicking off about it is really shitty behaviour and your DH needs to deal with it VERY firmly

Seeingadistance · 29/01/2025 10:09

myplace · 29/01/2025 06:37

It’s because husbands are involved. If it were only your mum and dad’s kin it would be clearer that she isn’t part of the family in that way. Because spouses are, and she’s close to her son…

I mean bonkers but not totally bonkers. It’s such a shame she’s upsetting people over this.

No, it is totally bonkers. She is behaving atrociously and there is no excuse for that.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/01/2025 10:10

Sorry for the loss of your mum and your sister OP, it must be very hard.
Your MIL is out of order and should prioritise the feelings of the principal mourners over her own wishes. But please remember that in her way MIL is grieving a loss too, and probably expressing a fear of being excluded from the family that means a lot to her. Funerals can be a bit like weddings in that all the insecurities come out into the open and people suddenly want 'recognition'.
I wonder if you messaged MIL directly saying that you love her and want her to be at the funeral but that it means a lot to you and your dad to repeat the procession you had when your sister died, she might soften and understand.

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2025 10:23

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/01/2025 10:10

Sorry for the loss of your mum and your sister OP, it must be very hard.
Your MIL is out of order and should prioritise the feelings of the principal mourners over her own wishes. But please remember that in her way MIL is grieving a loss too, and probably expressing a fear of being excluded from the family that means a lot to her. Funerals can be a bit like weddings in that all the insecurities come out into the open and people suddenly want 'recognition'.
I wonder if you messaged MIL directly saying that you love her and want her to be at the funeral but that it means a lot to you and your dad to repeat the procession you had when your sister died, she might soften and understand.

I am not sure Op should be made responsible for MILs insecurities when she is dealing with a loss, or ever really.
She doesn't need to "soften and understand" she needs to shut up and stop making OP's Mums funeral about her

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/01/2025 10:37

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2025 10:23

I am not sure Op should be made responsible for MILs insecurities when she is dealing with a loss, or ever really.
She doesn't need to "soften and understand" she needs to shut up and stop making OP's Mums funeral about her

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OP is not responsible for anyone else's insecurities, but acknowledging that they exist might make things easier for her at this awful time than expecting MIL to recognise the error of her ways and shut up, which is not very likely to happen. Especially at the moment when everyone is so upset.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/01/2025 10:43

Pinkyhere · 29/01/2025 07:19

I am so sorry for your loss of your mum and for your sister.
I hope you can leave mil for your husband to deal with.
There is a bizarre reaction that some people have during a grief situation. It manifests as incredibly selfish and attention seeking.
I'm not defending mil. She is behaving appallingly. She is experiencing shock, sadness and realises how awful it must be for you -which makes her feel helpless, sees herself as responsible for you, saw your mother as a friend and equal. Feels she must somehow express all this but gets it very wrong.

I don't understand this. You say that MIL is making a fuss and refusing to speak to OP because she realises how awful the situation is for OP, i.e. it is because she knows how bad OP is feeling that she has decided to make the situation worse?

I think that you are twisting things to show OP's MIL in the best possible light. I think that OP's MIL is selfish and likes to be the centre of attention and that this is the first time that it has directly affected OP.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/01/2025 10:48

thepariscrimefiles · 29/01/2025 10:43

I don't understand this. You say that MIL is making a fuss and refusing to speak to OP because she realises how awful the situation is for OP, i.e. it is because she knows how bad OP is feeling that she has decided to make the situation worse?

I think that you are twisting things to show OP's MIL in the best possible light. I think that OP's MIL is selfish and likes to be the centre of attention and that this is the first time that it has directly affected OP.

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I agree , @Pinkyhere . I'd guess that MIL's appalling insensitivity is partly coming from the shock of someone who is probably around MIL's own age and in a parallel position in the family, suddenly dying at a relatively young age. What About Me?? she shrieks. I'm Important Too!!!! Of course it's an awful thing to do, but if she doesn't have form for this kind of thing, I think it needs treating as a bit of bizarre behaviour in response to the shock, and that being gentle is more likely to help the situation than telling her to get lost.

Notonthestairs · 29/01/2025 10:52

She does have form.
And she's placing herself as more important than the OP's Mum's blood relatives who will not be walking behind the coffin and are not kicking up a fuss.

There are no excuses for putting additional pressure on the Op.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/01/2025 10:57

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/01/2025 10:48

I agree , @Pinkyhere . I'd guess that MIL's appalling insensitivity is partly coming from the shock of someone who is probably around MIL's own age and in a parallel position in the family, suddenly dying at a relatively young age. What About Me?? she shrieks. I'm Important Too!!!! Of course it's an awful thing to do, but if she doesn't have form for this kind of thing, I think it needs treating as a bit of bizarre behaviour in response to the shock, and that being gentle is more likely to help the situation than telling her to get lost.

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OP has said in one of her posts that:

'I have seen her be like this before on occasions but not been on the receiving end of it'

I don't think OP is going to tell her to get lost and I think her DH is going to deal with it, but it does seem that this behaviour isn't out of character for her MIL.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/01/2025 11:01

thepariscrimefiles · 29/01/2025 10:57

OP has said in one of her posts that:

'I have seen her be like this before on occasions but not been on the receiving end of it'

I don't think OP is going to tell her to get lost and I think her DH is going to deal with it, but it does seem that this behaviour isn't out of character for her MIL.

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So MIL does have form, perhaps at times of stress and perhaps when she feels overlooked or left out, and that hasn't happened before in relation to OP who seems to have had a good relationship with her on the whole.
I'm not defending her; it's awful to give a bereaved person the silent treatment because you're upset about the funeral arrangement. I'm just saying that funerals don't always bring out the best in people.

bigboykitty · 29/01/2025 11:05

Funerals, weddings and family occasions in general tend to bring out the worst in narcissists who cannot bear not to be the centre of attention.

Discombobble · 29/01/2025 11:08

LadyTangerine · 29/01/2025 09:44

It's odd that she would expect to be included like this isn't it. As others have said she needs to be told just to meet at the crematorium.

Did you say walking behind the hearse? Wouldn't you be in the funeral cars?

If it’s in walking distance it’s traditional to walk - we did this for my husband’s funeral

SerafinasGoose · 29/01/2025 11:12

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/01/2025 11:01

So MIL does have form, perhaps at times of stress and perhaps when she feels overlooked or left out, and that hasn't happened before in relation to OP who seems to have had a good relationship with her on the whole.
I'm not defending her; it's awful to give a bereaved person the silent treatment because you're upset about the funeral arrangement. I'm just saying that funerals don't always bring out the best in people.

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They certainly don't. Quite the reverse.

However, this isn't a 'get out of jail free' card. Actions have consequences, and some actions really do fall into the category of 'very difficult to forgive'.

LadyTangerine · 29/01/2025 11:15

Discombobble · 29/01/2025 11:08

If it’s in walking distance it’s traditional to walk - we did this for my husband’s funeral

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Ah right I've never known that. You'd think in a residential area with traffic it would be logistically difficult.

Discombobble · 29/01/2025 11:18

LadyTangerine · 29/01/2025 11:15

Ah right I've never known that. You'd think in a residential area with traffic it would be logistically difficult.

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well for us it was a village road, and the traffic just followed us at walking pace - I think it used to be called respect

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/01/2025 11:24

Discombobble · 29/01/2025 11:18

well for us it was a village road, and the traffic just followed us at walking pace - I think it used to be called respect

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That is a lovely and moving thing to see especially in a small community. Even in London I've seen traffic slow down and follow a hearse for a short distance, and only move ahead at the next junction.

Original poster

OneGreenBiscuit · 29/01/2025 13:51

For context her and my Mum were members of a local bowls club, there will be other people going from there who mil knows very well and will be going with
There are numerous members of my Dad's family who won't walk with us, it's my Mums final journey from her family home of 50 years where we all grew up(decades before I met dh and mil) it's a 3 minute walk to crematorium and it's the same journey we took my sister on.
That short walk just feels very private and personal, the service and wake is for everyone and we've made clear we want everyone who wants to celebrate my mums life with us to join us.

It feels more she wants to be at the centre of it more than anything where as I would give anything not to be having to do it at all 😔

My dh is going to speak to her and hopefully we can all move on from it although I doubt I'll ever forget the upset it has caused

Thanks for all taking the time to reply

OP posts:

Wowjustwow99 · 29/01/2025 14:04

Sorry for your loss! 💐

You MIL, need to get a grip. This is not about her.
Your DH needs to put a stop to this and put his foot down.

I don't understand what is her mind thinks this is even a thing she should be involved in.

Honeyroar · 29/01/2025 18:44

Thanks for the clarification. Then she’s absolutely out of order and needs telling to get over herself and to have some bloody respect and empathy. I hope she sorts her selfish head out and bucks up. I think your husband needs to be quite harsh - tell her he’s ashamed of how she’s behaving and if she upsets you at your mother’s funeral she risks seriously damaging the relationship you all have with her forever.

I hope the day goes as smoothly and painlessly as it can.x

reichs79 · 29/01/2025 18:58

So sorry for your loss, condolences to you and your family.

Your MIL is being totally unreasonable. Yes she has lost a friend and someone I guess she considers family, but you have to draw the line somewhere or you'd have the whole family wanting to be there.