Mil and Mum's funeral

[OneGreenBiscuit]

Hi, need some thoughts as don't know whether I am being unreasonable
Lost my Mum suddenly last week she was only 70 😔
Parents always got on well with mil often included in family events however for her funeral myself and 2 sisters are walking with our dh's and adult grandchildren and my Dad behind car carrying short distance to the crematorium from her home.
This is particularly poignant as we did this with my mum when we lost my other sister 10 years ago
My mil has kicked off and told my dh that she should be with us as she's family, she now appears to not be speaking to myself or dh
I feel it should just be immediate family which is what my sisters think but the whole thing is making me feel ill

@Priddy The best way she can honour her friendship with the Op's mother is to support her DIL with whatever she needs. Not give her the silent treatment.

I’m so sorry for your sudden loss💔

Sending so much love. Unfortunately your mil is being selfish at the time and whilst she may be hurt at the loss of your mum she should be more self aware. I'm hoping your dh will point it out to her so that she gets back to being herself and supporting you. I'd try as much as you can to leave this in your dh's hands and focus on yourself, dad and siblings. You need a lot of energy both physical and emotional to get through putting a beloved family member to rest. I hope you all find strength in each other at this time.

She is being really entitled and demanding at this difficult time. However, maybe she is taking it that she is somehow not considered part of the family. If she is included then other in-laws might have too be too. No. Don't give in to her.

I'm just here to say I'm so sorry for your loss. How sad for you all.

I'm in agreement with other PP's when they say your MIL has been very insensitive of the whole situation and very unreasonable in ignoring you. Just off the scale pathetic and that would be hard for me to ever get over.

As others have said, I hope your DH can deal with his mother but I have a horrible feeling she'll be making it all about her.

What a wicked, wicked person your MiL is. I don't think I have ever called a person that on this forum, but she is.

You have lost your Mum, you are supporting your dad despite your own heartbreak, and she comes up with this BS??! What the hell?!! And SHE is ignoring your texts? What an unspeakable woman. When she should be supporting and comforting you.

I would struggle to forgive this, ever. In fact I know that I wouldn't be able to. The fact you have even doubted yourself shows how vulnerable you are. She wouldn't get more than a cursory acknowledgement from me going forward.

I am so sorry for your loss, I'm still not over losing my own darling Mum, so understand your grief. I hope MIL comes to her senses and realises how inappropriate she is being. As others have said, the best way she can honour your Mum's memory, is to support you, not cause you issues.

It's good to read that DH has your back, and I hope he can talk some sense into her. Thinking of you. 🌹

Sorry for your loss, I go around to hers and set her straight.
It was my mother's funeral we did it the way she and we wanted.
It was not the all about mother in law show, you may have liked her but she was my mother and we did things her way.
Stop sulking like a spoiled child and pull yourself together otherwise you will end up a lonely old woman.

Bloody hell. So many of these total narcs around nowadays. I'm sorry you had to deal with this.

OP you are not being unreasonable and in your shoes I would also be considering my relationship with my MIL.

So sorry for your awful loss, OP. The loss of a beloved mum is a devastating experience.

Unfortunately, every time I've been bereaved, I've had a sharp wake-up call as to who is really there for me in my life and who disappoints. On either side it's not always the people you expect.

I lost my darling mum suddenly and prematurely, at 55. After the behaviour of my in-laws at that time my relationship with them has never recovered.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this additional pain at an already dreadful time, when those around you should be making things as easy as possible rather than the reverse. Unconcionable behaviour.

MIL's grieving and when people are grieving they don't always behave rationally. I can't believe all the comments on here. Someone just called her wicked.

Imagine you get on well with your child's partner's mother. You like them. She's a bit like you. Similar age, similar outlook, similar life experience. In some ways she could be you. And she's suddenly died — and it could have been you. Deeply shocking for an older person to see their contemporary, someone they are fond of, gone. I'm not excusing her behaviour, I'm just trying to show her some understanding and make it a little bit easier for the OP, in her grief, to see what may be going on.

Sorry about your Mum.

I can only imagine it's a hard time with emotions all over the place.

She was wrong to kick off, possibly wrong to expect to go - but may be you were wrong to exclude her. Maybe in the heat of the event, understandably, didn't go about what you wanted tactfully.

Not quite sure how you all row back from this situation without causing more damage.

II'm assuming she doesn't have a partner? Is there anyone other than your DH, her son, who could go in with her.

It always amazes me how in family there is one person who will just make everything more difficult for the people who were closest to the deceased.

Condolences.

In these circumstances, some people will surprise you with their awful selfish behaviour.

Focus on the people who surprise you with their help, kind words and generosity.

My condoleances to you and your family 💐

Sorry for your loss ,Your husband deffo needs to put her in her place

All those saying MIL is grieving, she may well be but her daughter is obviously grieving more a woman whose mother has died.

At 70ish I presume MIL mother has also died, does she not remember what it was like?

What a selfish arse the MIL is being all about me. The OP shouldn’t even have to think about her MIL at this time.

This.

And there we have the reason Narcs behave like they do - enablers.

Enablers who allow others to put their grief above the ACTUAL family that are grieving. Like some kind of weird grief competition..

I despair - and will call her behaviour "wicked" again.

OP has written that MIL has acted this way towards other people also, this is just the first time OP has been on the receiving end of this behavior. Some people just like to insert themselves, it's not shock, grief or anything other than having to always be the priority in everyone else's life. This is essentially a pissing contest, OP mum has passed but MIL considers herself the priority.

This has made me angry for you OP. How utterly self absorbed how you got to be to sulk and moan to a grieving family?! What an unbelievable arsehole. I hope your DH tells her straight. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Focus on that entirely and don't even think about MIL.

Agreed.

When the opposite happened with us (my MIL died and my DPs were at the funeral), my mum was very aware that although she considers DH her family (honestly - there are days that I think she prefers him to me!), the day was very much about his family.

She was there to support me and DH but would never have dreamed of intruding on the main funeral close family group. Even BIL and I felt that we shouldn't have been as involved as we were (though we were relegated to the kids seats in the back of the limo, which I still feel like my back hasn't recovered from, so we knew our place!)

Sorry for your loss OP.

To be honest, if I was burying my
mother, I would not give a thought to who is in the walking committee or not.

If she wants to walk just let her. Is her not walking with you going to bring your mum back? No.

She’s being unreasonable, but so are you wasting a second of your time stressing about such a non-issue compared to the fact that your mother is dead. Get a grip and don’t let the funeral become about you or your mother in law.

the little things people worry about so much is baffling, and they lose sight of what’s really important here.

I think if I was your dh I would say to her

so disappointed in you mum, id have thought you'd be there to support my wife in her grief of her mother Not trying to make the funeral arrangements and everyone feeling awkward in the process. Be good now if you could show some love and support as im sure your friend would have wanted for her daughter, yes of course youre grieving but you haven't just lost your mum

Bereavement brings out the worst in a lot of people. The undertaker or celebrant should really be helping with this by providing guidance on who is to be in the procession and then agreeing with the family. @OneGreenBiscuit this would avoid any confusion. If you don't get clear guidance and there is anyone acting out grudges or putting themselves at the centre it's a recipe for disaster. Ask the funeral director to make a plan for the procession, and a clear seat plan for the service. Then you can go back to MIL and just tell her factually she's not able to be in the procession. And she won't be able to fight for a front seat in the church/ crematorium.
My SIL made it very awkward for me to attend her mums funeral( although I went to support my adult children and DH ) and relegated DH to the second row. For no reason except grief. It felt so hurtful and she's never apologised, but no point in making a huge drama worse. People are weird. Don't engage, deal in facts.

It's odd that she would expect to be included like this isn't it. As others have said she needs to be told just to meet at the crematorium.

Did you say walking behind the hearse? Wouldn't you be in the funeral cars?