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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and Mum's funeral

125 replies

OneGreenBiscuit · 28/01/2025 22:29

Hi, need some thoughts as don't know whether I am being unreasonable
Lost my Mum suddenly last week she was only 70 😔
Parents always got on well with mil often included in family events however for her funeral myself and 2 sisters are walking with our dh's and adult grandchildren and my Dad behind car carrying short distance to the crematorium from her home.
This is particularly poignant as we did this with my mum when we lost my other sister 10 years ago
My mil has kicked off and told my dh that she should be with us as she's family, she now appears to not be speaking to myself or dh
I feel it should just be immediate family which is what my sisters think but the whole thing is making me feel ill

OP posts:
saraclara · 28/01/2025 23:32

Why should your sisters have some woman who has no connection to them, walking with them?

Your MIL might consider you family, but your sisters have no reason to consider HER family.

Original poster
OneGreenBiscuit · 28/01/2025 23:36

Thanks for all your replies, yes it is lovely that they got on and yes I know she is sad about my Mum as she considered her a friend but I'm just at a loss as to how she has been as I cannot imagine ever acting like this towards someone who is grieving.
My dh is going to definitely speak to her so hopefully will put an end to it however I know that I'll never be the same with her again as its not something I think I'll ever forget now

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 28/01/2025 23:38

I'm sorry for your loss.

You husband is going to have to tell MIL no. You're not being unreasonable at all. She is not your mom's immediate family and you're doing something you did years ago at another funeral.

bigboykitty · 28/01/2025 23:42

So sorry you lost your mum. You DH needs to tell MIL to pull herself together and stop being so selfish, or to stay away from the funeral and from you for the time being. Is she usually so self absorbed?

OtterlyMad · 29/01/2025 06:31

I’m so sorry about your mum.
I’m also sorry that your MIL is being an entitled cow.
I would leave it for your DH to deal with. He needs to tell his mother to stop making the death of yours about herself.

myplace · 29/01/2025 06:37

It’s because husbands are involved. If it were only your mum and dad’s kin it would be clearer that she isn’t part of the family in that way. Because spouses are, and she’s close to her son…

I mean bonkers but not totally bonkers. It’s such a shame she’s upsetting people over this.

kiwiane · 29/01/2025 06:40

Just make your plans ans leave your husband to sort out his parents; she’s acting from grief herself - try not to dwell on this now.

BilboBlaggin · 29/01/2025 06:40

IndigoDynamo · 28/01/2025 22:33

I’m sorry for your loss OP. 💐

Your DH needs to tell your MIL that this isn’t about her - she should respect your wishes.

Absolutely this!

Get DH to point out that your sisters aren't having their MILs walking behind either, so it's nothing personal to her.

So sorry for your loss. I hope MIL comes to her senses and it all goes peacefully on the day.

Coconutter24 · 29/01/2025 06:41

It’s not on mil to make decisions on who goes where. What does your dad think?

olympicsrock · 29/01/2025 06:42

Fargo79 · 28/01/2025 22:35

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a horrible shock for you.

My advice would be to get your DH to contact her and tell her you both are focused on grieving and preparing for the funeral and won't be dealing with any conflict with her for the foreseeable. DH needs to tell her that funeral plans are not up for negotiation (and tbh my DH would be giving his mother a few home truths as well in this scenario).

Then just put her to the back of your mind and concentrate on yourself and your family. If she won't buzz off, block her for now. You can deal with her at a later time when you've got the headspace.

This - so sorry for your loss

Simplelobsterhat · 29/01/2025 06:46

YANBU op - unless your sisters mils were walking and she wasn't! It's clearly a close family thing only. Presumably there are nieces / nephews / cousins of your mum who are also not walking and would think it was strange if an in law was and they weren't, so where would it end!? Son in laws is different because they are there as partners and supports to the close relatives as much as as relatives themselves in this situation.

Just don't engage with it. Let DH tell her again and then if she isn't speaking to you for a while so be it. It isn't about her at the moment.

She may have just blurted it out at the time as she was surprised, which I understand, and calm down quickly (thinking back I did similar about arrangements at fil's funeral and felt bad for saying anything afterwards, although mine was a more of a misunderstanding, easily sorted. But I would never have held a grudge afterwards. As soon as it was out of my mouth a voice in my head reminded me it was not about me!)

Waterweight · 29/01/2025 07:00

Honestly it sounds like less stress now she not speaking to you

Crack on with the funeral plans & I'm sorry for your loss. X

Original poster
OneGreenBiscuit · 29/01/2025 07:03

bigboykitty · 28/01/2025 23:42

So sorry you lost your mum. You DH needs to tell MIL to pull herself together and stop being so selfish, or to stay away from the funeral and from you for the time being. Is she usually so self absorbed?

I have seen her be like this before on occasions but not been on the receiving end of it

OP posts:
Original poster
OneGreenBiscuit · 29/01/2025 07:04

Coconutter24 · 29/01/2025 06:41

It’s not on mil to make decisions on who goes where. What does your dad think?

I haven't told my Dad, he is too upset about my Mum I don't want to add to it he would just worry himself sick about it - I know because I am!

OP posts:
Original poster
OneGreenBiscuit · 29/01/2025 07:05

myplace · 29/01/2025 06:37

It’s because husbands are involved. If it were only your mum and dad’s kin it would be clearer that she isn’t part of the family in that way. Because spouses are, and she’s close to her son…

I mean bonkers but not totally bonkers. It’s such a shame she’s upsetting people over this.

My dh is a bearer so he would need to be with us regardless

OP posts:
Original poster
OneGreenBiscuit · 29/01/2025 07:08

Simplelobsterhat · 29/01/2025 06:46

YANBU op - unless your sisters mils were walking and she wasn't! It's clearly a close family thing only. Presumably there are nieces / nephews / cousins of your mum who are also not walking and would think it was strange if an in law was and they weren't, so where would it end!? Son in laws is different because they are there as partners and supports to the close relatives as much as as relatives themselves in this situation.

Just don't engage with it. Let DH tell her again and then if she isn't speaking to you for a while so be it. It isn't about her at the moment.

She may have just blurted it out at the time as she was surprised, which I understand, and calm down quickly (thinking back I did similar about arrangements at fil's funeral and felt bad for saying anything afterwards, although mine was a more of a misunderstanding, easily sorted. But I would never have held a grudge afterwards. As soon as it was out of my mouth a voice in my head reminded me it was not about me!)

There is one niece involved but she has been in my Mum's life for 50 years, there are other nieces, nephews, cousins, sister in laws and brother in laws not involved in this part either

OP posts:
VotingForYourself · 29/01/2025 07:14

Your DH shouldn't have ever let this request come to you

Simplelobsterhat · 29/01/2025 07:15

OneGreenBiscuit · 29/01/2025 07:08

There is one niece involved but she has been in my Mum's life for 50 years, there are other nieces, nephews, cousins, sister in laws and brother in laws not involved in this part either

Show quote history

So it would get too big a group if you started inviting everyone who was 'family' to walk and that's what your DH needs to tell mil.

Then don't discuss it anymore and let her get over herself in her own time

Sorry for your loss and that you have this extra stress OP.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/01/2025 07:19

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/01/2025 23:29

She's being daft. Hopefully she's just a bit shocked and your DH can talk to her and remind her that their job is to support you. There has to be a cut-off for 'close family' and if you include her what about your siblings' in-laws? Or the partners and their parents of the adult grandchildren?

She's not being daft. She's being cruel if she has made a big fuss and is now refusing to speak to OP and her DH. Why on earth would she make things more difficult for her grieving DIL?

Pinkyhere · 29/01/2025 07:19

I am so sorry for your loss of your mum and for your sister.
I hope you can leave mil for your husband to deal with.
There is a bizarre reaction that some people have during a grief situation. It manifests as incredibly selfish and attention seeking.
I'm not defending mil. She is behaving appallingly. She is experiencing shock, sadness and realises how awful it must be for you -which makes her feel helpless, sees herself as responsible for you, saw your mother as a friend and equal. Feels she must somehow express all this but gets it very wrong.

Thomasina79 · 29/01/2025 07:21

It always amazes me how many people come out from under their stones at the news of a fun real.

ignore the selfish women. This is about you and your family remembering your mum.

ButterCrackers · 29/01/2025 07:25

Ignore her messages and calls. Tell her the plan for the funeral and then don’t respond. Let your dh sort it out. She is drawing attention on to herself. She needs to send condolences and ask about flowers.

ThighsYouCantControl · 29/01/2025 07:29

Your husband should have a word with her now and tell her to back off but at a later date she’d be getting a bollocking if she was my mum. Such a nasty, selfish way to behave.

So sorry for your loss OP.

Sassybooklover · 29/01/2025 07:30

Your MIL is exactly what the abbreviation states, your Mother-in-law. She's your family by marriage, not blood, and not related to your sisters at all. If you and your sister's don't feel it's appropriate for her to be walking with you, then that's your choice. Your husband needs to go and see his Mum and talk to her in a calm manner. It's not her place to state 'what she wants', and it's placing unnecessary pressure on you at an extremely hard time. That's not acceptable. I'm sure you don't mind her attending the service or Wake, but she doesn't get to make demands. I'm sure your sister's MIL aren't walking with you all, so therefore your MIL shouldn't be treated any differently.

AyrnotAir · 29/01/2025 07:35

That is bloody terrible of her, I'd get your dh to message her "Mum, I have to admit I'm very disappointed in the way you are behaving at such a difficult time and adding more stress and upset unnecessarily. It is only xs husband, children and their partners walking. No other partners parents are behaving in this way (if there is any obviously op). If you can't just be kind and supportive of the family and accept their wishes I think it would be best if you didn't attend, this isn't about you. "