Do you speak to your partner nicely ALL the time?

[holycrumpet]

Not sure if the thread title is right, my head is a bit woolly (got a cold).

Posting here because I need some perspective and I know I’ll get blunt answers. Fully prepared to get flamed.

For those of you who are married or in serious relationships, how do you speak to one another on a day-to-day basis?

As in, do you speak to each other 100% respectfully/politely/nicely/kindly 100% of the time?

My reason for asking:

Lately my DH has been taking issue with the way I speak to him. If I come across grumpy or annoyed, if my tone is anything less than kind or respectful, he has a problem with it.

Now I fully get that I should speak to him kindly, I’m not disputing that. My point is that although we should all be kind, we’re human. When we’re tired/poorly/hungry/upset/frustrated etc, when we speak before we think, our tone of voice and our words may not be soft and full of love. That doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect him.

I’m 40, heading towards menopause (mum got it early, think I’m peri or at least on the way) and my job has been stressful lately.

I’ve explained this to him but I’m not trying to make excuses. These are reasons as to why sometimes I might not think before I speak. My tone reflects my mood. I’m trying to be better but I’m not perfect yet I feel he expects me to be. Hence my question. Is this normal in a marriage (18 years together if that matters) or does everyone else speak to their other half nicely/kindly/politely all of the time?

My other issue here is that when he speaks to me in the ways he takes issue with when I do it, I tend to let it go. It doesn’t bother me, at least not as much. Because a) he’s my husband, b) I understand he isn’t doing it to hurt me, there’s a reason and c) he’s human. So I don’t pull him up on it every single time.

Finally, I feel like him making an issue of it almost every time is telling me I can’t show my emotions. But I think maybe I’m feeling a little sorry for myself here. I’m poorly and tired so maybe this is clouding my judgment.

Can someone give me a little perspective? Are all your relationship conversations polite and kind? Or do you sometimes snap at one another and if yes, do you let it go or does it become an argument?

Yes, like 99% of the time. Everyone has the odd off moment when stressed though

Exactly.

I’m not perfect but I do try and talk to everyone the way I would like them to talk to me.

im 49 more than likely menopausal, surfer chronic pain and fatigue but do my upmost not to take any of that out on my DH who has adhd, depression and anxiety ( fuck what have we become), he also try’s not to talk to me in a way he wouldn’t like to be spoken to. But we didn’t get here over night, it took years of communication, knowing each other. DH knows when I’m in a bad flare even the slightest tone can upset me so he either avoids me if he’s grumpy or will make an effort to mask his mood. I do the same, I could see tonight making dinner he was tired and overwhelmed, I know he’s having a hard time at work so I made sure I was absolutely delightful, even after asking him 3 times to do something which he forgot.

An hour later we could talk about him forgetting what I asked openly and he could happily tell me if I’d done something to piss him off.

We’ve just learnt snapping at each other makes things 1000 x worse and to pick our moments if we aren’t happy with something.

OP I love that you're reflecting on this all and want to change. That really is huge. I don't think there's a quick fix or magic switch for these things, but I honestly do believe that it's usually fixable when both people in a relationship want that and it sounds like you chose a good partner who loves you.

I didn't learn healthy communication, emotional regulation or loving relationship skills growing up; my parents weren't bad people but they were in an unhappy marriage, dealing with mental health issues, and (importantly) they just didn't have those skills themselves to pass on to me. It was something I spent years working on as an adult and still actively work on - spotting the concepts and behaviors that had kept me afloat a difficult home environment but weren't going to serve me in the life I wanted as an adult, learning to identify and process my own emotions in a better way, learning to trust others, and learning to communicate. Here's my little self-motto for my marriage and family: these are the people that love me when I'm at my worst, so they deserve the best of me as often as I can give it.

I'm pretty iffy on self-help books but one relationship book that I think is worth a read is Us by Terrence Real. I'm also a big believer in the value of actively adding positive things into the relationship in addition to trying to fix the stuff we don't like. Make a point of saying and doing kind things, of taking a moment to acknowledge something your DH (and DC) did each day that made you grateful or happy or less stressed, and spend time just setting aside everything else to enjoy each other. It doesn't magically make any conflicts or less-than-stellar exchanges go away, but it does change the environment that we're experiencing and tackling them in and that's important.

We often learn how to behave from our families. Many people don't grow and change, you are. Give yourself credit for that! You will mess up sometimes but just apologise and move forward. Living in a harmonious household is an utter joy.

I can be angry and swear at him but soon apologise if I feel I have overstepped. He too can also be snappy. I believe in expressing your feelings and talking about it. My mum would not speak to me or my dad when upset and I hated it. I would rather row, explain why you feel the way you do and clear the air. We've been together for 30+ years so I hope we have become better at communicating.

I had both the passports on the way to the airport once, and my husband asked for his in the taxi. I handed it over with some misgivings.

We're doing the bag drop, and the lady asks for our passports and tickets.

I turn as I hand them over, and as a result they slip out of her hand, just as my husband says, "hang on, where did I put my passport in the taxi".

I snap, "for god's sake", and the woman starts apologising, thinking I'm mad at her.

It was a bit of an eye opener. I'd never talk to someone in customer service like that, but it came out very quickly for my husband.

It's not regular, but it's certainly eye opening.