Do you speak to your partner nicely ALL the time?

[holycrumpet]

Not sure if the thread title is right, my head is a bit woolly (got a cold).

Posting here because I need some perspective and I know I’ll get blunt answers. Fully prepared to get flamed.

For those of you who are married or in serious relationships, how do you speak to one another on a day-to-day basis?

As in, do you speak to each other 100% respectfully/politely/nicely/kindly 100% of the time?

My reason for asking:

Lately my DH has been taking issue with the way I speak to him. If I come across grumpy or annoyed, if my tone is anything less than kind or respectful, he has a problem with it.

Now I fully get that I should speak to him kindly, I’m not disputing that. My point is that although we should all be kind, we’re human. When we’re tired/poorly/hungry/upset/frustrated etc, when we speak before we think, our tone of voice and our words may not be soft and full of love. That doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect him.

I’m 40, heading towards menopause (mum got it early, think I’m peri or at least on the way) and my job has been stressful lately.

I’ve explained this to him but I’m not trying to make excuses. These are reasons as to why sometimes I might not think before I speak. My tone reflects my mood. I’m trying to be better but I’m not perfect yet I feel he expects me to be. Hence my question. Is this normal in a marriage (18 years together if that matters) or does everyone else speak to their other half nicely/kindly/politely all of the time?

My other issue here is that when he speaks to me in the ways he takes issue with when I do it, I tend to let it go. It doesn’t bother me, at least not as much. Because a) he’s my husband, b) I understand he isn’t doing it to hurt me, there’s a reason and c) he’s human. So I don’t pull him up on it every single time.

Finally, I feel like him making an issue of it almost every time is telling me I can’t show my emotions. But I think maybe I’m feeling a little sorry for myself here. I’m poorly and tired so maybe this is clouding my judgment.

Can someone give me a little perspective? Are all your relationship conversations polite and kind? Or do you sometimes snap at one another and if yes, do you let it go or does it become an argument?

Yes we try to. If we don't we'll normally ask each other what the issue is and figure it out.

Yes. Even when we argue or snap, both very rarely, we keep our language in check and are still respectful, but we're both a bit older and have had plenty of practice from previous relationships on how not to communicate respectfully.

I think it's unrealistic to never ever get irritable or grumpy with the people you live with. But I'd say if I do speak to him a bit rudely it's either because he's done something to warrant it and if I was being unreasonable I'll apologise and it's the same for him.

I mostly speak nicely but sometimes I get grumpy or bitchy and then I apologise for it. My mother thought it was fine to treat the family like shit when she was in a bad mood and I have learnt from her that I never want to do that. Amazingly enough she could put her second face on with other people and behave nicely, they never got to see the real her.

I really don't believe in being nice to everyone else but those to whom you are closest. I think it's important to treat the people you care about most well and not just expect them to put up with awful behaviour because they love you.

Hmmm what jumps out for me is that he is expecting you to police your tone at all times whilst not expecting the same of himself.

This just suggests he’s raising issues re your “tone” to control you and shut you down.

Not always. Admittedly. The other day he was wittering on. I was reading. Every so often he will say something relevant, I then have to ask him to repeat it. This is then followed by irrelevant wittering .

We shouldn't have to mask around our spouses.

If I'm upset, I'm not going to pretend I'm not.

If I'm angry, I'm not going to pretend I'm not.

I make it clear I'm feeling upset/angry/worried, not at them but a specific issue.

My husband is an understanding guy and is totally fine with that as a reason.

We have a close relationship which means we can be ourselves without having to tip toe.

I think this is maybe a personality thing, because I'm like you, if my partner snaps at me when he's had a bad day, I let it go because I know sometimes when we're knackered we say things without thinking and I don't feel like I need an apology every time, I've done it too, we're human. As long as its doesn't escalate, I let the occasional thing go, or bring it up at a later date if the comment actually hurt me rather than it just being the tone.
I don't let him do this with our child though - So its been good practice for both of us to take the deep breath and not speak without thinking etc.

My dad however is constantly going on about the tone people use to say things, the exact wording you use, he'll take issue with one word and suggest a synonym that wouldn't have 'affected' him the same way. It's exhausting and frankly he's kind of a hypocrite because he says downright offensive things sometimes or outright shouts and refuses to apologise or see why this is as bad as what he accuses others of doing.

So that's probably why I'm a bit more relaxed about this sort of thing, because my dad drives me absolutely nuts and I hate having my words policed by someone like that.
My husband and I both are guilty of having snapped at each other but we don't argue much so we tend to be quite forgiving of the occasional times it happens.

I do agree that it can become a bad habit to fall into though if its happening regularly and is probably why my dad is such a nightmare about it - because my mum snaps easily and frequently, but I understand why she does because my dad can be pretty lazy helping around the house etc and its frustrating for me to see, so I get why my mum is struggling and stressed and menopausal and just wants him to pick up after himself etc and after the millionth time of picking his socks up she just can't ask nicely anymore.
I think I'm able to rationalise my mums side of it a bit more than my dads because I picked up his slack to help her when I lived at home and he's so pedantic its excessive.
So I probably grew up with a not that healthy dynamic now I think about it lol

@SwordToFlamethrower I don't think that's the question though. Id like to think anyone can talk to their partner when they're sad/angry/upset, you're allowed to feel those feelings and it's usually possibly to portray those feelings without it coming across as taking it out on the other person, I don't think anyone is saying they're having to pretend to be happy all the time.

What the OP is talking about is how we directly talk to our partners, so sniping/bickering at them, either as a direct result of their own behaviour or just out of retaliation due to a bad mood.

Those are very different things.

Yeah I think this is fair

It's not masking. If DH or I are angry or upset, we don't pretend not to be. If I'm honest, it's actually very rare we feel that way about each other; he genuinely doesn't annoy or aggravate me and it seems it's the same vice versa (obviously I can only go off what he tells me!).

However, if he did annoy me I wouldn't hide it. I just wouldn't snap at him or be mean, I'd address it calmly and nicely. If I did something to accidentally annoy him, I wouldn't appreciate snapping and snarling and frankly wouldn't put up with it, so I'm certainly not going to do it to him. I love him, that's not how our relationship has ever been.

We absolutely do have a rant and a moan about other things and issues not relating to one another. We don't use gentle tones about those things. If I've had a bad day then I'm not opposed to ranting about it in colourful language. The difference is I'm not directing it at him. He'll absolutely join my rant and help me feel better.

There's no tip-toeing. Both of us communicate how we're feeling, we just don't argue and snap at each other.

I wouldn't call it masking - if I have an issue or am angry about something I don't need to be shitty or shouty, I can raise it in a respectful manner and listen to his point of view - I don't expect dh to speak to me with less consideration than he gives to other people - I am not a punch bag.

I think, in general, people tend to be less polite with family than with strangers but there's more love present too of course.

Something DP and I do (subconsciously I think) is turn minor irritations into mildly sarcastic jokes, so we get to vocalise them but it comes out as "wearily amused by partner's absurd foibles" rather than "can't stand the sight of you any more

DH and I do this!

It turns it into banter - and makes light of it, while actually still pointing something out.

We try to be nice and respectful towards each other. We do tease each other and there’s the occasional grump- but the grumpy one always apologizes quickly. We don’t let things fester.

We've had a handful of nasty arguments during our 20+ year relationship that have required major apologies, as one or both of us lost our tempers and said hurtful things. We try to discuss problems before either of us gets too grumpy!

My dh is like this and it's pissing me off. I'm not a fucking robot. It's fine when he doesn't sound like sunshine and light apparently.

I think it's unrealistic always address the other person as though they are the light of your life, or to expect that, especially when you are navigating life together.

However I'd say it's something you need to watch. ExH and I got into a negative cycle where he would speak to me in a tone that really lacked respect and liking when we were going through a stressful decade patch, and I would take issue with it every time, and then there'd be a row, but he thought it was the other way around. We really disliked each other by the end. (we get on well now we are safely divorced)

My now OH and I always speak nicely to one another - but that's almost certainly because we don't live together

Generally, yes. I couldn’t be arsed being in a relationship with someone who spoke to me badly, I’d rather be single.

Obviously nobody’s perfect and we’ll snap on occasion if tired/stressed etc, but that person would feel bad and immediately apologise.

In general we are nice to each other.
If im annoyed or had an awkward day at work ,I will tell him about it ,and he's a good listener but never, ever angry.
My daughter ( who died 4yrs ago) used to say
" it's nice to be nice " and I keep that saying in my heart.

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a lovely way to cherish her. ❤️

I think it's unrealistic always address the other person as though they are the light of your life, or to expect that, especially when you are navigating life together.

@WestwardHo1 Yes, DH feels more like a bane/pain rather than a light sometimes and I’m sure he feels the same about me. 🤣

I mean there's different reasons to be upset/angry aren't there.

If I'm upset/angry because of something in my life, unrelated to DP, like work or family, that's when I might unwittingly take it out on him by turning a normal conversation snappy. In those cases it's not fair and I apologise (as does he), and explain it's because of XYZ.

If I'm upset/angry because of him then I owe him an actual calm conversation about the issue, not a sarcastic snap.

In those cases I'm not letting my emotions flood out with no filter but I don't consider it masking? A degree of emotional continence is necessary in life.

Then there are the times I'm upset or angry with Trump or Farage or the rightwing media or the racist public or the printer and I'll yell and curse without a trace of masking. DP will either join in or at least agree with me. If you can't curse the state of the world with your partner what's even the point of having them.

Thanks for all your replies. I've read them all and have a lot to think about.

For those in respectful relationships, I envy you. I genuinely thought when you're married you can speak to your OH however and it's fine because they know you love them really. You've opened my eyes. Which should never have needed opening in the first place.

I realised something yesterday. I got annoyed/irritated at him for not knowing/thinking about something I expected him to be aware of. Without going into detail, he wanted to change something in a room of the house which I use when I wfh, and this change would affect me while using the room, possibly making the room unusable.

I got irritated that he hadn't thought of it in my way and that irritation was clear in my voice and tone and he didn't appreciate it - quite rightly.

Someone above called me 'entitled' and I think I can see why.

However this morning I realised he'd left for work and taken the car seat with him. Usually this would irritate me and I'd make it known.

This morning though, I messaged him to ask for the car seat, he apologised and said he'd forgotten and he was coming home to bring it back. And instead of getting annoyed I thanked him, because I realised he'd genuinely forgotten.

I mean, reading that back now, it seems bloody simple and I feel like an idiot for not seeing it before. wtf is wrong with me I don't know whether to laugh or cry

OP I really admire how you are trying to reflect on your behaviour.

One thing I did when we had 3 very small children, 2 full-on jobs, not much money and a small house was ... one day I just decided to presume the best of my husband. Bit like you did with the car seat - instead of presuming he is an idiot or trying to make your life harder you just presumed he had made a genuine error. In fairness, DH always treated me like that but that change in mindset - thinking he is a good man who isn't out to annoy me/get to me - helped our marriage so much.

@Pallisers

Thank you. I think that's the shift in mindset I need. He isn't here to irritate me.

Don't admire me too much eh though. This is only Day 1 and I haven't got my period yet..!

Today we were talking about peri/menopause and he said to just let him know whatever I need and he and the kids will help me through it and I felt ashamed, like I don't deserve the kindness.

I hope this way of thinking stays with me though I know i'll 'fall off the wagon' many times.

For those who have said they changed, how? When you're in the thick of that mood and irritation, how do you remember to bite your tongue or walk away to ease the tension?