Do you speak to your partner nicely ALL the time?

[holycrumpet]

Not sure if the thread title is right, my head is a bit woolly (got a cold).

Posting here because I need some perspective and I know I’ll get blunt answers. Fully prepared to get flamed.

For those of you who are married or in serious relationships, how do you speak to one another on a day-to-day basis?

As in, do you speak to each other 100% respectfully/politely/nicely/kindly 100% of the time?

My reason for asking:

Lately my DH has been taking issue with the way I speak to him. If I come across grumpy or annoyed, if my tone is anything less than kind or respectful, he has a problem with it.

Now I fully get that I should speak to him kindly, I’m not disputing that. My point is that although we should all be kind, we’re human. When we’re tired/poorly/hungry/upset/frustrated etc, when we speak before we think, our tone of voice and our words may not be soft and full of love. That doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect him.

I’m 40, heading towards menopause (mum got it early, think I’m peri or at least on the way) and my job has been stressful lately.

I’ve explained this to him but I’m not trying to make excuses. These are reasons as to why sometimes I might not think before I speak. My tone reflects my mood. I’m trying to be better but I’m not perfect yet I feel he expects me to be. Hence my question. Is this normal in a marriage (18 years together if that matters) or does everyone else speak to their other half nicely/kindly/politely all of the time?

My other issue here is that when he speaks to me in the ways he takes issue with when I do it, I tend to let it go. It doesn’t bother me, at least not as much. Because a) he’s my husband, b) I understand he isn’t doing it to hurt me, there’s a reason and c) he’s human. So I don’t pull him up on it every single time.

Finally, I feel like him making an issue of it almost every time is telling me I can’t show my emotions. But I think maybe I’m feeling a little sorry for myself here. I’m poorly and tired so maybe this is clouding my judgment.

Can someone give me a little perspective? Are all your relationship conversations polite and kind? Or do you sometimes snap at one another and if yes, do you let it go or does it become an argument?

No, sometimes I am horrible, I can be impatient and irritated, not with anyone else, just my husband.
On the plus side, 95% of the time we get on great, laugh together, and would not choose to be apart even after many years together.

I would prefer to be nice all the time, but I am human, so it won't happen.

We might be short with each during moments of acute stress - a few times a year and we will always pull each other up on it - if one of us says they are stressed then the other will try to support - but we never let disrespect go I commented on - it’s human but it’s not ok - an apology and an explanation is always expected.

Noticing it is the first step, then apologising instantly and wholeheartedly - holds you to account and makes the behaviour less automatic. Then when you get good at spotting it, good at taking responsibility, you'll start to have time to take a good deep breath and count to 10 instead. Have a mantra 'he's not your punchbag'. And deal with your stress too, by being nice to yourself and speaking to yourself nicely too 💐

My partner also struggles hugely talking about his feelings/our relationship. He either gets angry or more often shuts down. Makes it impossible to have a productive conversation.

Could you potentially communicate with him in writing? I know it sounds weird but just explain to him you really want to discuss things but don't want your involuntary emotional reaction to become the issue, and want you both to be able to take time to consider what you have to say and how you want to respond, so could you "take it offline" and have an email conversation? Try it and see if it works for you. Doesn't for us as partner can't put his feelings into words even offline, but if you are able to without the emotional stressor of the "confrontation", could be an option?

I'm guessing there's a lot behind this for both of you. It's worth thinking about both your childhoods and how that play in - to his sensitivity to tone, to your feelings suppressed/unheard and you strong emotional reaction to confrontation - and giving both of you some grace as you try and crack this nut.

Most of our wedding vows were made on the back of my parent's awful relationship - their communication style was punitive and deeply unpleasant it made me think I never wanted to get married if that's how people treated each other - so dh and I vowed to speak to each other with respect and kindness. History did not repeat itself, my parents who stayed together slowly torturing each other, were a guide on what not to do in my life.

I have to point something out, you said that he should have not gone to bed without checking if you need anything and then because he did, you were annoyed. That's really entitled. It's like you're a princess and he's your helper woman that gets you dressed.

I think it will be easier to respect him and talk to him nicely if you see him as an equal partner and not an assistant of sorts. I also recommend you stop associating with people and in places that encourage you to view relationships/men in this way. A place like this where every relationship thread turns into man bashing and affair accusations isn't going to prompt you to see your husband in a better light. It's not unlike trying a guy having better relationships with women while regularly frequenting incel sites

You are very self aware OP, that’s a great start.

Reading is a great way to learn and tech yourself new patterns of behaviour. The Phillipa Perry above is excellent. How to Talk so Kids Will listen is also a great read (if you’re British it will seem very American and a bit cringe but it’s really good on respectful but assertive communication (but try not to talk to him like he’s a child 😬) . It really changed the way I communicate with my children and generally.

i literally practice conversations out loud. I practice saying the things I want to say so that when I need to, they are there.

i try to know my triggers and warnings. When I feel anger building, annoyed, irritated with someone that’s the sign - that feeling. take it as a sign to stop and literally take a breath. Sometimes I walk away for a moment - not to punish the person, but to recognise the feeling and let it pass. Then I go back and talk honestly about how I felt and why and what can we do? This is harder, much much harder, than snapping out an angry put-down.

i think of my mum talking to my dad and cringe. Why would you talk to someone you love in that way?? It’s like having an anti-role model.

I know I should be polite but I do snap sometimes when I'm grumpy or stressed. I don't think it's okay and would never want it to become acceptable but more understandable. It's part of being human and living with someone 24/7 and sharing stressful situations. We mostly both try and let it go in these circumstances.

I don't want to be a bickering couple who think it's okay to fight every day or swear at each other.

Does this go deeper - is there a resentful history to your relationship- ie, do you feel you generally input more than he does?

Have there been past issues you've needed to forgive him for? I'm wondering if your patience is thinner with him because of unconscious negative feelings towards him.

But if there's none of that, he's a great guy, pulls his weight, makes you feel wonderful etc, then it's breaking the habit - not saying anything rather than being mardy, taking a breath, discovering what your triggers are.

Reading your updates have you considered counselling? It reads like you were never taught to communicate your feelings effectively so you get overwhelmed . Counselling could help.

But make sure you don't go the other way and feel afraid to share your feelings for rear of upsetting your dp because that's not h healthy either. You are entitled to be irritated/upset etc but how you communicate that can be worked on

Yes I do. I learned very early on in our relationship he wouldn't tolerate being spoken to horribly like I sometimes replicated from my parents' marriage! Some of our trickier arguments I can't promise would have been said with an even tone the whole time...but in 20 years I could count on one hand how often that's occurred.

I think being spoken to poorly is one of those things that really breaks you down as a person over time.

DH and I went through a (long) phase of bickering and speaking to each other in a rude, condescending way. Whenever we felt even a minor irritation with each other, we'd voice it. We spoke to each other in a way we'd never speak to others.
It was horrible, death by a thousand cuts. I could see it created a nasty atmosphere for the kids too.
I suddenly realised the importance of biting my tongue! I didn't need to comment every time he did something a tiny bit irritating. I learnt to keep my mouth shut. I also realised the importance of being kind.
We've massively improved the way we communicate. We don't nit pick. We are kind and respectful to each other (99% of the time!). We're both so much happier. I also feel it's important that the children learn the importance of respect in relationships.

I think it depends what stressors you each have to cope with, though what’s aspirational shouldn’t change - I assume everyone would probably prefer a normally only friendly and calm discussion with the people they live with.

I’m all for that so in theory want to let things go but it’s then me who has to pick up the slack so being what is taken as the bad cop becomes necessary for my own sanity.

Oh lord! If I'm honest I can be such a snappy cow when I'm stressed, which is a lot of the time! I've been with him for years though and he knows to ignore my tone sometimes, and I do usually say I'm sorry, it's just xyz. He's a saint clearly

We are respectful all the time. We can main to each other but we never direct negativity directly at the other.

I think it’s important to have a bedrock of basic courtesy, respect and kindness in any close relationship.

Making a long term relationship work involves some compromise and there will always be moments when the other person irritates you. I think it’s important not to turn this into a steady surround sound of annoyance because people can sense it.

That said, it’s also important to communicate clearly and directly and not to allow things to fester and become magnified so a “nicey nicey” veneer and glossing over things when you are upset is always going to do more harm than good.

The key principle I use is to ask myself if the issue I am pissed off about is important for the healthy functioning of the relationship. If it is I confront it head on. If not, I tend to let it go. It’s usually not worth winning every point and maintaining harmony over small things goes a long way.

I wasn't able to communicate respectfully with my exh and nor was he with me. The reason being was we didn't respect or even like each other. We should have separated and divorced sooner than we did, but I've learnt my lesson and I'll never be in a relationship of any kind where I communicate like that again. It's so toxic.

I think it depends on the general behaviour of the individual.
I get it that some people have a more explosive temperament. I avoid these type of personalities because I dislike the behaviour and I can't come up with any logical explanation or excuse for it.
I can't imagine ever snapping at anyone. It is basic respect. I certainly wouldn't tolerate anyone snapping at me. There is zero reason for anyone to do it, ever.
We've never bickered, shouted or insulted each other. But that is also because we both have similar behaviours and expectations and we also respect each other.

My DH and I have very different approaches, which makes things tough. I can be stroppy and verbally snappy, whereas he never is. Definitely always has the moral high ground there. We have vastly different standards, so we’re constantly compromising and discussing, but I feel like I do most of the compromising, leading to resentment. Rupture and repair is a monthly occurrence, if not more often. I know being rude and angry is not okay, and I do sincerely apologise and want to be better. But at the same time it honestly seems like the only way anyone takes any notice of me.

I raise issues politely, but nothing changes. I'll voice my rising frustration. Nothing. Eventually I lose my temper or get rude. Only then does he take notice and adjust his behaviour—briefly. We repeat this cycle endlessly: I get frustrated, I snap, he finally reacts, I apologise, things improve temporarily, and then we start over. He never raises issues himself and seems content with the status quo. It's about all the usual stereotypical things you could think of/see on here, which makes me so angry as it took him years to convince me to be with him, and have a family. My concerns about becoming a wife and mother were that I didn't want to become the person nagging others about picking up socks, not leaving things on the stairs, cleaning the loo after use, being considerate of others when making plans etc, having to compromise on career or holidays or home life etc. (I told him multiple times to go and find someone who matched his ambitions better, but he has this optimistic outlook that it'll all be okay, so when I found myself pregnant unexpectedly I went with it.) Now I have regular conversations on how he's not keeping his end of the bargain and how I don't want to be a dragon queen for whom getting angry is the only way to be heard.

This week we have a child at home, I work in the house whereas he has an office outside. At lunch he went for a run for an hour. Didn't think about spending time with the little one, or giving me a break, just stuck to his usual routine. I wasn't best pleased, but I wasn't rude. As a result he shrugs it off. If I'd screamed at him he would have apologised and amended his behaviour next time, as it is I fully anticipate this behaviour to be repeated.

I know I can only control my own reactions and I constantly work on my reactions (walking away, taking a breath, instigating conversation all that jazz), but I can't help but be really really sad that everything I was worried about came true and now I'm stuck.

No 😔
I tend to be a bit snappy and impatient if in a hurry, or nervous or in pain. He is more patient and less emotional tbh.

Like everyone we can be snappy at times (or more likely, surly) but it's usually brought on by external stressors and we both apologise if we realise we've been overly snappy/surly. Also if one of us seems like they're in that kind of mood, we're pretty good at giving each other space to get over it.

I suddenly realised the importance of biting my tongue! I didn't need to comment every time he did something a tiny bit irritating.

This really is key I think. When you're bickering there's often a moment where what you're about to say will escalate it into an actual argument and 99% of the time it's just not worth it. The 1% of the time it is, it should be approached with a proper, calm conversation rather than an off-the-cuff snap.

Something DP and I do (subconsciously I think) is turn minor irritations into mildly sarcastic jokes, so we get to vocalise them but it comes out as "wearily amused by partner's absurd foibles" rather than "can't stand the sight of you any more".

We're almost never stroppy or snappy with each other and if we are, we always apologise. Obviously we have our disagreements but we're generally really good at having them in a way that's not unpleasant or arsey.

As a couple, my DP and I tease and rib each other all the time. We take the piss out of each other a lot. So we're certainly not one of those couples who are always earnestly polite. We mock each other loads and we're both very sarcastic people. But that's what makes us laugh and it's how we show affection. We never snap at each other or talk to each other like dirt, ever. If we have a disagreement there's no nastiness on either side. And we also compliment each other a lot and and thank each other for stuff. For example, I do most of the cooking and he always, always thanks me for that and is appreciative. Similarly, when I open the dishwasher and see he's unloaded it or notice there's a load of washing on the line, I'll always say 'Oh, ta for doing that'.

So you are unkind to him and then you cry and make it about you? Please get some therapy.

Gosh I used to cry every time dh and I had a “talk”. I went to counselling because I wanted to stop feeling angry all the time. It was all down to my childhood, being afraid to ever have my say as my dad was very much “children should be seen and not heard”. So I grew up a people pleaser and just agreeing with everyone because I don’t know how to put my own feelings first, so that’s why I cried. Since having counselling, I hardly cry now and find it much easier to have calm conversations.

What's the rest of your relationship like OP? Not saying this is the case for you, but this was a big thing in my abusive relationship. If I ever conveyed any annoyance, negativity or irritability in my tone I would be persecuted, punished (silent treatment, shouted at etc) and told I had a personality disorder/mental illness (it varied). He was always justified in losing his temper or being annoyed at me though. Like you, I would let his small moments of grumpiness go, but he would come down like a tonne of bricks on me if I was anything other than the perfect agreeable little wife. So I'd say it depends on the bigger picture of your relationship.