Do you speak to your partner nicely ALL the time?

[holycrumpet]

Not sure if the thread title is right, my head is a bit woolly (got a cold).

Posting here because I need some perspective and I know I’ll get blunt answers. Fully prepared to get flamed.

For those of you who are married or in serious relationships, how do you speak to one another on a day-to-day basis?

As in, do you speak to each other 100% respectfully/politely/nicely/kindly 100% of the time?

My reason for asking:

Lately my DH has been taking issue with the way I speak to him. If I come across grumpy or annoyed, if my tone is anything less than kind or respectful, he has a problem with it.

Now I fully get that I should speak to him kindly, I’m not disputing that. My point is that although we should all be kind, we’re human. When we’re tired/poorly/hungry/upset/frustrated etc, when we speak before we think, our tone of voice and our words may not be soft and full of love. That doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect him.

I’m 40, heading towards menopause (mum got it early, think I’m peri or at least on the way) and my job has been stressful lately.

I’ve explained this to him but I’m not trying to make excuses. These are reasons as to why sometimes I might not think before I speak. My tone reflects my mood. I’m trying to be better but I’m not perfect yet I feel he expects me to be. Hence my question. Is this normal in a marriage (18 years together if that matters) or does everyone else speak to their other half nicely/kindly/politely all of the time?

My other issue here is that when he speaks to me in the ways he takes issue with when I do it, I tend to let it go. It doesn’t bother me, at least not as much. Because a) he’s my husband, b) I understand he isn’t doing it to hurt me, there’s a reason and c) he’s human. So I don’t pull him up on it every single time.

Finally, I feel like him making an issue of it almost every time is telling me I can’t show my emotions. But I think maybe I’m feeling a little sorry for myself here. I’m poorly and tired so maybe this is clouding my judgment.

Can someone give me a little perspective? Are all your relationship conversations polite and kind? Or do you sometimes snap at one another and if yes, do you let it go or does it become an argument?

My tone of voice is not always soft and full of love. But I'm always civil and nice. And if there is tension I usually deal with it by trying to be funny, or say whatever I need to that might be difficult in an English regional accent. I can't remember when I either of us last snapped at one another. It has happened over the decades we've been together but it's very very rare. We do speak nicely, pretty much always

God, no.

No he can be a massive twat at times. As can I. As in all relationships. Been together 45 yes. It's normal

We take the mick out of each other all the time but it’s always in jest and rooted in fondness. Either of us can get a bit grumpy sometimes if we’re hungry or tired but we always go away and then apologise for it - it doesn’t happen very often.

For me, I’m often in a stupidly bad mood over unnecessary work/family drama but I roll my eyes with him at it, so he shares my ‘pain’ - I would never be short or curt with him because of those things. I don’t hide my feelings from him but equally I don’t take them out on him.

Sounds like you guys maybe could do with some support on communicating with each other, OP. That’s not a strange thing but this will fester if you don’t face it.

Truthfully, I struggle with PMT and could be a lot more chilled in that week.

Being grumpy is normal sometimes though and I think, as long as you’ve explained it’s not about them or your relationship, then you should be allowed to be grumpy sometimes without getting flack for it!

We very occasionally are short with each other if we are ill or had no sleep, but never nasty or swearing. Just not as polite. And then we apologise within ten mins and explain why we were out of sorts. It never escalates because the grumpy one owns it.

Generally yes but we both have moments when I'm menopausal or he's tired from work and we're snippy. TBH we normally apologise pretty quickly or give each other grace knowing there are reasons why we're grumpy.

It's not feasible to be happy all the time and your DH is your safe space where you can be yourself as long as it's not too much.

I don't believe anyone never snaps at their partner. We talk nicely most of the time but we do get the hump sometimes and snap. Just like most normal couples.

I try really really hard to always be polite. My mum talks to my dad in such a belittling way these days, it makes me cringe and I really don’t want to be doing that. Always correcting him, talking over him.

at the same time, I refuse to be a doormat, and I still aim to be assertive, and polite with it. DH is not from a family where assertive is the norm so it gets his back up sometimes. so I do tone it down a bit sometimes. On the whole we get on really well.

For me it’s so important to model polite-and-assertive to our two sons. I don’t want then to be pushovers, but they do need to be respectful.

We speak to each other nicely mostly. If I’m a bit annoyed about something I might say so in a, I’m not overly pleased you did that, kind of way.

I am a sensitive flower and I am an absolute weathervane for moods - I swear the way my DP takes his coat off can make all the hairs rise on the back of my neck as I can TELL he's not happy. This is probably as a result of my childhood having a lot of arguing adults in it, my nervous system is overly primed to the negative emotions of others. Makes parenting a temperamental toddler HUGE fun also 🫠.

So for me, it is a big deal when he lets his general irritation spill over into how he speaks to me. I've told him this and he knows it but he won't change as he says that's me not letting him express himself. He's not angry AT ME, he says. But if I'm the only one there, then frankly the intent matters less than the effect - basically he can hold this temper in all day, "not express himself" for the benefit of everyone else, but I'm not worth the effort even though he knows how much it makes me anxious. It's why right now I'm avoiding him, and why in the long run (i.e. once the kids are grown up) I will have to have a good think about whether this is the life I want. It would be SO NICE not to spend my whole life anxious and stressed out by someone else's emotional weather.

And before anyone asks, I do make a conscious effort to speak to EVERYONE in the family nicely and respectfully. When I habitually don't, I have recognised it as a sign of me really not coping very well and sought medication/help or made lifestyle changes. And apologised and explained myself to partner/the kids. Because I honestly don't feel entitled to being grumpy and short with people just because they happen to be in the way when I'm feeling unhappy.

I think you should be allowed to be grumpy or annoyed if you had a bad long day etc he should be able to “ take it” and so should you if he’s grumpy or annoyed, not rude but snappy or blunt? Your husband sounds like he’s one of those people that you’ll rather watch paint dry than have a conversation with him, boring as hell. If I can’t be myself and have to watch the tone of my voice all the time I rather be alone

i think simmering in silent resentment if your partner has annoyed you instead of being open about it, is much more damaging.

Love the idea of diffusing awkwardness with an English regional accent. I do the same pronouncing words phonetically (e.g. "ker-nife", pathetic attempt to be funny) but unfortunately this often results in him not being able to hear me properly and getting even more irritated 😂

I used to take my daughter to a gym class where I'd often chat to one of the other Mums. She seemed lovely except for the way she spoke to her eldest daughter - it really sounded like she genuinely disliked her, to the extent it made me quite uncomfortable.

I'm sure she had no idea and would have been horrified if I'd ever told her.

I don't know if there's anyone who knows you and your partner well enough to give you an outsiders perspective?

I don't regularly or often speak unkindly to my dh, and he doesn't to me. If you're finding this is a frequent thing then that's not great

most of the time. we do have lighthearted bickering and playful teasing.
and nobody is in a good mood all the time, so we don't take it personally if the other is having a bad day and being snappy. I can be very sharp when I'm in pain, which is a lot of the time. but we both understand it's not directed at each other.

Yes. It's so unbelievably rare there's any snapping here, I can only remember one time in recent memory - from me, I was full of a flu, and apologised immediately. We moan to each other but not at each other. Any issues and we just talk about them calmly, and use humour to diffuse situations as we're both very good at reading each other.

I know it's one of those things where you're more likely to snark at those you're closest to, so for lots of relationships that's normal. For me, I wouldn't snap at my manager or clients so I won't snap at DH (or the DC). We do tease and poke fun at one another, but it's never with any underlying meanness or genuine annoyance.

It's not all sing song chirpy voices by any means, but never unkind or narky.

I like I can be a rude cow sometimes but my DH (together 25 years) never seems to take any offence. Probably because he knows I am never really annoyed at him.

He was proper hangry at new year but was refusing to eat so I practically threw a pizza box at him with a 'eat the bloody pizza!!"

We totally laughed about it once he wasn't hungry any more,.

No we don’t speak to each other with kindness 100% of the time. We’ve been married for 34 years, we also work together from home mostly so there a lot of time together to be a bit grumpy sometimes.
We always apologies very quickly afterwards though and have a bit of a laugh about it.

If you’re being unkind when the your partner has done absolutely nothing wrong, then you should apologies imo , if you don’t you’re spouse has every reason to be peed off with your behaviour.

Nah that's not normal 😂

This definitely 😂

I certainly try to speak to DH nicely all the time, but there may be the odd occasion when I'm slightly short or snappy, for whatever reason. However, we have a rule in our family that we give one another the benefit of the doubt, and if I was to be a bit snappy with DH, rather than immediately taking offence, he would likely ask "Is everything OK?", which gives me the opportunity to apologise and try again.

I think it's fairly normal to be a bit short with one another from time to time, but it's how you respond when you realise what you've done that is really important. Even if it's only later, on reflection that you think "I was quite snappy with DH earlier, it wasn't anything to do with him, it was just because I'd had a stressful day" and you then take the time to apologise.

Nope, there's a few on this thread that are perfect and talk nicely at all times to their partner.

Not me🤣

My parents are horrible to each other. It is awful to live in that kind of environment.
Dh and I are kind and respectful to each other- him 100% of the time- me prob a bit less at times as I'm menopausal