Do you speak to your partner nicely ALL the time?

[holycrumpet]

Not sure if the thread title is right, my head is a bit woolly (got a cold).

Posting here because I need some perspective and I know I’ll get blunt answers. Fully prepared to get flamed.

For those of you who are married or in serious relationships, how do you speak to one another on a day-to-day basis?

As in, do you speak to each other 100% respectfully/politely/nicely/kindly 100% of the time?

My reason for asking:

Lately my DH has been taking issue with the way I speak to him. If I come across grumpy or annoyed, if my tone is anything less than kind or respectful, he has a problem with it.

Now I fully get that I should speak to him kindly, I’m not disputing that. My point is that although we should all be kind, we’re human. When we’re tired/poorly/hungry/upset/frustrated etc, when we speak before we think, our tone of voice and our words may not be soft and full of love. That doesn’t mean I don’t love and respect him.

I’m 40, heading towards menopause (mum got it early, think I’m peri or at least on the way) and my job has been stressful lately.

I’ve explained this to him but I’m not trying to make excuses. These are reasons as to why sometimes I might not think before I speak. My tone reflects my mood. I’m trying to be better but I’m not perfect yet I feel he expects me to be. Hence my question. Is this normal in a marriage (18 years together if that matters) or does everyone else speak to their other half nicely/kindly/politely all of the time?

My other issue here is that when he speaks to me in the ways he takes issue with when I do it, I tend to let it go. It doesn’t bother me, at least not as much. Because a) he’s my husband, b) I understand he isn’t doing it to hurt me, there’s a reason and c) he’s human. So I don’t pull him up on it every single time.

Finally, I feel like him making an issue of it almost every time is telling me I can’t show my emotions. But I think maybe I’m feeling a little sorry for myself here. I’m poorly and tired so maybe this is clouding my judgment.

Can someone give me a little perspective? Are all your relationship conversations polite and kind? Or do you sometimes snap at one another and if yes, do you let it go or does it become an argument?

Do we try? Yes. That usually doesn't mean super sweet - you can be direct and non-frilly without being rude or snappish - but we actively avoid grouching at others in our home and expect manners and pleasantries more often than not. No, of course we don't expect perfection and we give each other grace in the inevitable imperfect human moments. In general we treat grouchiness as something for the grouch to take steps to manage - go collect yourself, talk about what's actually bugging you, go get a snack, disengage from a conversation for the time being, etc. Being in a bad mood is ok, but subjecting others to it is not. And if I snap or my DH says "please stop snarling at me" I just apologize and re-set.

But as with most of these relationship things, it's usually about context and frequency. The occasional grouchy or brusque moment is easily excused when the person is kind and considerate 95% of the time and true snappish moments are very sporadic. But when things become an unhappy pattern each instance tends to grate more because it's an arrow pointing at this much larger issue that is weighing on you or the relationship. It's the same reason I would gently laugh if my normally very organized and conscientious DH left the milk out to spoil and ask kindly what had him so distracted but someone whose husband was constantly acting like a messy toddler around the house would be justifiably angry at having to toss and replace yet another spoiled item.

So take an honest assessment. Is your DH actually expecting you to be "nice" 100% of the time or has your communication style and/or mood deteriorated and created a pattern that he's unhappy about?

Some people are more sensitive to that kind of thing than others.

This exactly.

I'm careful with my tone when I'm feeling mardy - DH is less careful so I do pick him up on it. Instant apology followed usually by a chat about what's bothering him.

I am a snappy cow and he is a grumpy git. I shout and he tells me to eff off. We are people with emotions not robots. We love each other to bits.

We both have our moments. Now we have ways to talk it through - he has an adhd med that makes him grumpy, so I’ll ask if it’s that or see if he needs some alone time. I’m terrible on PMS so we need to check in a lot. So I’d say we are like 60% our best selves 25% trying and talk it through and 15% sleep deprived survival mode. When either of us has had to give the other one a talk like your dh gave you, we sit on it, make an extra effort, and also figure out what is wrong/what we need and how to make it better without being a grump.

Too easy to get in a habit of bitching at each other! I’ve seen it with relatives and don’t want that

Yes, I do. He does.

If I'm grumpy or tired I will tell him that. Being grumpy or tired or whatever is no excuse for being rude or unkind, especially to your partner.

I've read all of your replies. THANK YOU. It's certainly opened my eyes a little more.

My DH has previously mentioned he feels belittled when I speak to him in the way he complains of. Which of course makes me feel awful.

But in the moment it just comes out unintentionally.

Can anyone help me to figure out how to literally stop and check myself before I speak?

I do think he has a point. And he has mentioned it a lot. It's usually very valid so I guess my next question is how do I fix this and change myself? I'm terrible with change and effort but I don't want to continue to make him feel this way.

How do I control myself?

I don't speak this way at work so why am I doing it at home?

I think it's a bit manipulative to say that by speaking to him in a less than respectful and kind tone (using your words) you are simply showing your emotions and that his requests for you to be kind and respectful are actually him not allowing you to express your emotions. We aren't our partner's emotional punchbags. He isn't there for you to take your bad mood out on. You can express your emotions without speaking to him in a disrespectful way.

We're all human and obviously there are going to be occasions where we snap or let our emotions get the better of us and take it out on someone else. But this shouldn't be a routine part of the way you treat your spouse IMO. If ever one of us is being a bit grumpy or short, the other will ask what's up and the response will generally be "sorry, I'm being an arse aren't I? This thing happened at work...." and then we talk about whatever it is. But this would be rare in our house. Ordinarily we'd just tell each other that we're pissed off about X and have a vent, without being unpleasant to begin with.

"He isn't there for you to take your bad mood out on."

You've hit the nail on the head here @Fargo79 and I feel really quite stupid someone had to point this out to me.

I can’t give advice as to how you change as I do it too. But if you can’t change as I said in my previous post, it’s very important to apologise to him as soon as you realise what you’re doing. I say “sorry for being a twat, I’m tired/hungry/annoyed with X”. Your H then knows it’s not him you’re annoyed with.

I can be passive aggressive and sarky. Not good, but there it is.

Everyone in our family gets hangry so yes we can snap or be sharp with each other from time to time.

I think it depends on what the circumstances are, like if you're snapping because you're running around doing everything for him while he doesn't try to help in any small way, then maybe it's deserved.

Deep breaths, count to ten, will it matter in 5 years time mantra might help focus your mind before you speak calmly.

Broadly speaking, you do it at home not work because those are different environments - different inputs, different structures, different relationships and different consequences.

It's going to be impossible for any of us to diagnose and solve this remotely, but I'd start by looking at what helps you get out of it at least temporarily and broader issues that may be making you unhappy. Does taking a short period to decompress after work help? Having a snack on the way home? Cutting down on alcohol in the evenings? Is there some part of your home routine (weeknight meals, cleaning, childcare, etc) that has become a source of tension that ends up bleeding over to other things? Are you miserable at work, spending all day tamping down frustration and putting on a mask and then coming home and letting that out on your DH? Are you unhappy with him about bigger issues?

Take a breath.
You’re very self aware to take on board the replies. Imagine you’re being filmed or recorded. You’ll feel horribly self conscious but you’ve just got into a bad habit and it’s one you can unlearn.

There are occasions we don't talk the nicest to each other but usually it's not aimed at each other. Life, business, kids etc can all make us a bit tired, stressed and snappy. But we always talk through it and apologise if that's the case. We're only human.

Thank you @Lamelie

A few nights ago I got annoyed because he'd gone to bed instead of helping me with something. This isn't a regular thing, my DH is amazing around the house and I definitely take him for granted.

But I was tired, unwell and grumpy. He'd gone to bed instead of checking if I needed anything. So I went into the bedroom and snapped. No shouting. But he could tell I was annoyed and he didn't appreciate my tone.

Thinking about it, I could've gone in calmly and asked him if he could help me out so we could both get to bed.

So why didn't I? Aargh it's so frustrating.

I've never really considered my behaviour at home; home is my safe space where I get to be me without checking my behaviour is acceptable (eg. as opposed to work). But it's his safe space too isn't it. My needs shouldn't trump his. I just don't know how to change my behaviour

You seem very genuine in wanting to make a change. Don't feel stupid. You can learn better communication skills. DH and I are pretty good at communicating and I will always toot my own horn about this because it did NOT come easily to us. We both had dysfunctional upbringings and unhealthy relationship histories before we got together. We were dreadful at conflict resolution and communication. But we worked bloody hard to learn those skills because we love each other and we wanted to make it work properly and here we are 20 odd years later. It can be done.

Why don't you start with a really frank discussion and just tell him that you realise you need to work on this and you have heard his frustrations. Tell him that you'll try your best but you might need some reminders and some grace from him. And then when he picks you up on it, instead of getting defensive just catch yourself, apologise and talk to him about what's on your mind.

@Fargo79

I'm happy to have the frank discussion. If anything, I'm usually the one who initiates them when there's a problem.

My problem is that whenever I have conversations like this, I cry. Last time we did this I sobbed like a child. So hard, I couldn't catch my breath. Ridiculous.

And I fear my tears look like crocodile tears and so what I'm saying might not be taken seriously. Or the tears take the focus away altogether.

I have difficulty in opening up about my feelings. Always leads to tears. I hate that about me.

Equally, when I catch myself and apologise, I will cry. Makes the whole thing ten times worse and feels like I'm manipulating him into forgiving me.

I think I might be more on your side than others here OP. DH and I definitely don’t always talk politely to each other. We have busy lives - three kids, we both work- there’s never quite enough time for anything. We disagree about things. Sometimes I get annoyed about something. Like constantly feeling I am expected to tidy up after other people! if I am making a point about it, I might get animated, my tone of voice might change. I’m annoyed, yes. But instead of hearing what I’m annoyed about and addressing it or debating it or arguing back even, I just get told ‘don’t talk to me like that’ or ‘don’t shout at me’ (I don’t shout, but I may speak faster, higher pitched maybe in my annoyance). Sometimes I feel it’s a way of shutting me down, making me be the one who is being unreasonable because I’ve got annoyed about something, rather than understanding what it is I’m annoyed about and addressing that.

No not always but I tend to get picked up for it

He can be very black and white when it comes to emotions.

if I moan about my job - well just leave then and get another one.

if I moan about being tired - we’ll just go to bed then and have a rest.

If I moan about the house being a mess/untidy - well let’s get a cleaner then.

He does show his love in other ways but emotionally it’s difficult.

We're both pretty snippy or impatient-sounding on a frequent basis (him more than me, I'd say) but we also speak this way to our othe close relatives and everyone is kind of used to it. We just don't filter ourselves as much around people we're very close to. I feel that's more authentic than being unfailingly polite at all times.

90% of the time, nicely but as you say, we're all human and in 11 years there are times when we've been stressed/grumpy/snappy.

I find that the trick is 'owning it' and apologising immediately when it happens and also asking if it were a friend/child/colleague would you talk to them like that?

there’s a book called “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read” - I started reading it and it was all about arguments, why they happen, what can trigger you to kick off and suggested ways to act differently. None of us will ever follow the “right” ways to the letter but this is something you can tackle because you want to. Like many others I’ve grown up in a family where one person’s mood “makes the weather” for the whole household and that person has no interest in controlling their temper whatever the impacts. You’re doing well to want to change.

FWIW I suspect the reason you cried last time is the same reason you take your temper out at home - you haven’t learnt how to regulate your emotions. Not saying I have! Just that it’s an ongoing effort for all of us.

I don't see the point of being nicer to strangers/workmates/acquaintances than I am to my husband. So yes we argue at times but our conversation is generally kind and funny - if we use sarcasm it is as a joke. If either of us is feeling grumpy, we just are quieter than usual. If we have a serious concern we say it. We use humour a lot to get rid of tension.

I know everyone has their own way of living but I don't see the point of having the person I live with being mean or nasty to me except as a very rare thing. Moaning a bit or giving out about something is different. If I had a penny for every time dh has given out about work ...

OP I think you have just got into a bad habit. But maybe think about what you feel when you snap/shout/whatever. Does it make you feel good (I guess it does since you do it)? If so what particular feeling is it helping you with? You sound very like my sister tbh - she is very emotional - the crying thing is her - and can be snappy too (although her dh definitely didn't tolerate it so it is gone). I think she has a lot of emotion swirling around and the snappy/moody thing helps her deal with it.