To still feel uncomfortable with my married surname (and wonder if anyone else does too)

[bitjel]

I've been married 20 years and it still feels off/wrong when I say my name with married surname and even signing it feels off. I'm in a very happy marriage but I still feel like that's not my name. In my head I' still "bitjel maiden-name". (I do have a few items still in my maiden name 20 years later, maybe its because I haven't dived in the whole way). Wondering if anyone else has this.

Edited to add I didnt mean to make this a poll!

This is one of the reasons I didn't take my husband's name. It's just not my name 🤷

That's why I didn't change my name.

Its so weird - even after 20 years married!

I am the other way, I saw my maiden name on an old school report the other week and it just looked odd to me. Saying that, my married name is a pain in the arse, no can spell it and I get fed up with explaining how you say it properly so I maybe should have just stuck with my maiden name for ease!

I'm divorced now after 20 years of marriage and after all the paperwork went through, I lost no time in changing my name back. A long and painful process and I wished I'd never changed it in the first place.

You can use your own name conversationally if you want, without changing ID necessarily. Or you can change everything back. You don't have to keep using his name if you don't want to.

I hated my maiden name with a passion so my married name came as a welcome relief.

I did change my name but kept my signature so do sign my maiden name. When I changed it at the bank they thought I was bonkers

I kept my own name for this reason! And my name is a really weird double barrelled one (one Scottish and one Spanish so think like Garcia McKenzie🤣). I just couldn't imagine being Mrs DH name!

It’s ultimately the reason I didn’t change mine. I’m Comtesse DeSpair and when I married, had been for 36 years. That’s who I am. I couldn’t imagine introducing myself as Comtesse Ha’Appy - (or worse - Mrs Ha’Appy, because that’s DH’s mum!)

As previous posters have said, you can use your married surname on official paperwork and your own surname as a “known by”: of the minority of women I work with who did change their surname upon marriage, the majority of them still go professionally and unofficially by their former name.

After twenty years it is a bit mad you still have an aversion to it, I’ve a much nicer maiden name but like that our family are The at homers . Took me a few years to get used to it but two or three tops

Just change it back, women aren't chattels

This for me too!

I woke up once the honeymoon buzz had worn off and simply double barrelled it. My in laws are the only people who call me by my married name, absolutely everybody else knows me with both names

Initially I thought I’d never have to spell my surname (Like I did my maiden name) but no, still have to so yes, I wish I’d either kept my name or double barrelled it. I love dh and have been married 20 years too.

Well, you did a weird gendered thing, changing your surname to reflect who you were married to, so no wonder it feels weird! I never even contemplated changing my name on marriage, and I’m also happily married. Using someone else’s name seems to me a deeply reactionary thing to do.

tell you something weird. I had never changed anything and then I started to receive HMRC and other "official" letters etc in my married name about a month after we married! The liberty!

This is funny, my family are the only ones call me Mrs DH. I didn't change my name. His family call me by my name (...cos it's my name). I hate the assumption you'll change it. It should be assumed you're not and you have to inform if you are.
I lost a bit sleep over "oh we won't be called the mcDH's names" but really the major inconvenience of changing your name and identity so others can conveniently call you by a collective name is bonkers

OP just change it back. Or flirt with it a bit, use it in day to day. See how it looks on your Facebook. People will care for 5 minutes and move on! It might make you feel great

I felt the same and changed my name after 10+ years of marriage (still married now). My surname is now maiden name- married name.

No. Didn't like my maiden name, it had bad connotations for me, so I've always been happy to get a new name

I was married for 14 years and while I am getting married again next year I would NEVER| give up my maiden name. Its such a weird old fashioned thing to do. I used to be a foster carer and one of the module in training was around identity and name and how important it is. I now find it supremely weird that we give up our identity to a partner. The most I would do is go double barrelled so you are both starting a new family and identity.

I didn't change Mine but hmrc decided I had for a while!

I prefer my married name. Old cliche of birth name was boring, married name is quirky.

But I realised something recently... I don't see myself as a full "surname". But I do see my MIL as being fully part of that family. But we are the same really.

No I'm the opposite, been married 10 years and my maiden name (which is still my legal name in my home country) seems bizarre and not mine! I think my married name is really nice sounding though, so I've loved it from the start. Objectively do you like your married name? There are some surnames out there that are rather unfortunate.