To still feel uncomfortable with my married surname (and wonder if anyone else does too)

[bitjel]

I've been married 20 years and it still feels off/wrong when I say my name with married surname and even signing it feels off. I'm in a very happy marriage but I still feel like that's not my name. In my head I' still "bitjel maiden-name". (I do have a few items still in my maiden name 20 years later, maybe its because I haven't dived in the whole way). Wondering if anyone else has this.

Edited to add I didnt mean to make this a poll!

Of course, because it’s not your name. I don’t understand why people do this to themselves.

The land registry tried to insist i had changed my name back to my birth name at one point, as I owned property independently of my husband so we must be divorcing....

Did you ever find out / ask them how and why? I don’t think HMRC even has any reason to know I’m married, let alone who to.

Me and DH have a unique surname, not his or mine but ours and I love it. I would’ve changed my name to his but I/we don’t really like his father and he chose that name so now we have a family name of our own that isn’t patriarchal in nature and sets us apart.

I'm married nearly 20 years now and never changed it. I felt strange to not call myself by the name I've always known. I thought a bit about changing my name when DC1 was born. I even went as far as signing up for NCT in DH name. But that was the extent of it. I reverted quickly back to my birth name.

when i was little my stepdad looked into getting me adopted and it was really really expensive so he changed my surname by deed poll bless him! I think we should go back to long names at least two middle names and three surnames. Would make data protection more difficult but would play havoc with the personalised keychain and bath bomb industry😂

DH and I double barrelled ours, but professionally go by our original names. I do hate how I get "Mrs" sometimes...I'm not Mrs, I'm Dr! I did like DH's name though, he's Norwegian and I wanted us to all share the same name. He liked mine, it's a very old Gaelic name.

The idea of being anything other than Dr. GiddyRobin in anything published would have felt weird though.

If you don't like it, I'd change it back! Absolutely nothing wrong with that. You should feel comfortable in your own name.

I'm the opposite. Possibly because I had a difficult childhood so referring to me with my maiden name takes me back to being a child and I feel like I'm a completely different person now.

My married surname is easier to spell. No need to use the phonetic alphabet when I tell someone who is writing it down, at the till, over the phone etc etc.

Married name is easier to sign. It's shorter. Quick signature.

My maiden name however......is still mine. I miss it. I miss the wondering if whoever I'm spelling it to knows the phonetic alphabet. The beauty of my swirly signature. The way it feels when I say it. That it is a rare old name. Half my things are with updated surnames, half still in my maiden name.

Ahhh

I have only been married for 3 years and really miss my maiden name, particularly because I am/was the last one of our name so it would have died with me. Now my elderly father is the last which makes me sad

I use either, or both. You know can do that, right? Even after 20 years.

Then take it back and use it.

That's a bit presumptuous!

Wondering if it was your work, if you'd changed your name with your employer?

I have never felt that, I got married when I was a teenager, so nearly 37 years now , so I have had my married name a LOT longer than my original name, it feels odd to think of myself as that old name, like it was another person

No, Im self employed under my maiden name

Change it back! I don't know why anyone is still changing their name on marriage. I never considered it.

Never been an issue for me. Came from a happy childhood, so no baggage with my maiden name, but decided to get married and take my OH’s name, which I actually like more than my old maiden surname. It’s not a big deal for me, I don’t feel owned, manipulated, coerced, managed, anything like this. We share everything, including a surname now, so perfectly happy here. Funnily enough, my OH’s nickname for me is a form of my old maiden name, so I do sort of get called it, but only by him. My married name doesn’t define me, I am still the person I am.

Double no then! How very odd.

Only on MN do I read of women keeping their maiden names, I do not know anyone in real life who has not changed their name on marriage

I changed back to my maiden name after divorce.
Just let everyone know no hassle.
I wouldn't change it if I got married again.

I didn't change mine but DH changed his, and he uses them pretty much interchangably. They're 'my' name on official things but it's still his surname on social media, his gym membership etc. He just doesn't really think of himself as my surname (which is fair enough - it's part of why I didn't want to change mine!).

This is fascinating because I'd say about 60% of my friends kept their own name on marriage. Different social groups I suppose, but interesting either way!

Yeh I’m the same I love my married name and my children all have the same name I think I’d feel isolated if they all had one name and me another. I never considered not changing my name! Guess I’m old school at32 😂

I was just thinking the same thing. On MN it's considered ridiculously old-fashioned and twee to take your husband's name.

In real life of all the married women I know, I can think of just 2 that didn't take their husband's name (and one of those is so thoroughly anti-patriarchy that they didn't actually get married, they had a civil partnership).

It's odd to me that women want to keep 'their' family name, when it's likely to be their fathers name, but don't want their new family to all have the same name.