To still feel uncomfortable with my married surname (and wonder if anyone else does too)

[bitjel]

I've been married 20 years and it still feels off/wrong when I say my name with married surname and even signing it feels off. I'm in a very happy marriage but I still feel like that's not my name. In my head I' still "bitjel maiden-name". (I do have a few items still in my maiden name 20 years later, maybe its because I haven't dived in the whole way). Wondering if anyone else has this.

Edited to add I didnt mean to make this a poll!

I still.use both but ID wise my passport is in my married name and when they renewed it they didn't add the also known as .... in the observations page. I dont havr a driving license. What do you do about ID in both names? I'd quite like my bank account back in my maiden name.

I'm fine with mine. I preferred my maiden name though and would have kept it if DH had not wanted me to take his. He doesn't ask for much at all and does so much for me I thought why not. Also my maiden name was Smith so not dying out any time soon 🤣

Yes, I relate more to my maiden name than my married name, even though I've now been married longer than I have been unmarried. I did mention casually that I would not change my name if I were marrying now, and, like the above poster, I could see the hurt that caused my husband, but then he is very traditionalist. I have made a slight, casual move towards referring to myself as Santa Maiden name Married name.

I don't want to have the same name as my husband or kids.I like having something of my own.
I don't really understand men who are hurt by this. Why are they hurt but expect us not to be hurt?

If they want the entire family to have the same name they can change theirs.

I think it’s an interesting topic because I’m reminded of the recent thread in Legal where OP had recently divorced from her husband and wanted to change her surname AND her DC’s surnames because she said the surname is awful and they get laughed at for it at school. She also says that her eldest DC originally had her surname but she had it changed to her new husband’s along with hers when she married him. And you have to wonder about what level of convention and social pressure she must have felt to make an active choice to lumber herself and her children with a surname so terrible it’s the subject of teasing.

@bitjel , of course you feel uncomfortable - it's not your name, quite simply.

The argument that a woman's name is not her own but her father's is absurd. Her husband's name is also not his own but his father's. Yes, it's still the father's (not the mother's as it should be by rights) but at least it's her own ' s father.

Solution: name babies after the mother. Or after the mother and the father at a push. Like in Portugal and in Spain, for instance.

It is a profoundly sexist tradition that should have died a death a long time ago.

What the statistics show though is that things are changing. You are more likely to change your name if you are younger, less if you are older. While the statics aren't any deeper than that, that would suggest that you are less likely to change your name on a second marriage. Also, the number of people going double barrelled is growing, the statics show that also. I changed my name first marriage. Will absolutely not second marriage. My daughter is adamant she will keep her name (who knows if that will change) and her two friends say the same. When I was their age I just felt it was a given. So I do think things are changing and in the future th trends will be different.

I'm Australian and it is now a requirement (since about 2002) that the name on your Australian passport has to match the one on your birth certificate...or be a registered name change through Australian Registered Birth Deaths Marriages department. As I'm not resident in Oz I can't do it through the RBDM as I don't meet the residency requirements...basically it would be a complete pain in the arse!

I had changed it when I married in 2001 and that passport expired in 2019, along with my British passport. I decided to revert to my maiden name on both and even if I remarry it's staying that way.

I don’t like mine either. Whenever I have to say it I hesitate and mumble a bit. Im
divorced but the children all have the name and I don’t want to upset them. On socials, however, I have an entirely made up surname and sometimes people address me with that in real life. I’m thinking of keeping that one.

Terms other people used. As I said in my post. They aren’t my terms.

I dont really relate to my maiden name at all. It's like a different person from a different time.

I was young and there was a lot of social pressure to change my name but I am surprised how persistant the tradition is and that anyone changes thier name now.

But you gave views on them. Those are the 'views on terminology' I mentioned, and they have nothing to do with what I wrote about what is and isn't unrepresentative.

Why did you choose to change it, just out of interest?

How does this happen?

What made you decide to change it when you got married?

good question - tradition I guess & it just felt like the right thing to do once we finally married

Yes! I always make a point of pointing out my name is not my 'maiden' name, it's just my name. I don't have any other names. People seem to find this really hard to understand. My name is Dr AB and husbands name is Mr C. Our child is baby BC.

Never married but I can understand this. It’s why had I married I would have never changed my name. No need for a new one.

I double barrelled mine but wish I hadn't as we're now estranged from DH's dad and the name has bad connotations for me! I want to change back but don't want to upset hubby. Think I'll just start dropping the second part in every day use without legally changing anything...

I changed my name, I do not really like it. However for work, I kept my maiden name. Your maiden name belongs to your father and his father anyway.

🙋‍♀️ me! I’ve been married over 30 years and I never gave it an inch of headspace! I was always going to keep my name…I prefer it and it goes much better with my first name.

I didn't change my name. Good thing, cos I ended up getting divorced, so far less bother!

HMRC didn't change my name either.

Why does it belong to them specifically, rather than anyone else who also uses the name?

Why do only men get to own names and not women? Why does my dad own his name that he got from his dad and I don't own mine that I got from him? If everyone got their names from their parent does nobody own their names?

Exactly!