To still feel uncomfortable with my married surname (and wonder if anyone else does too)

[bitjel]

I've been married 20 years and it still feels off/wrong when I say my name with married surname and even signing it feels off. I'm in a very happy marriage but I still feel like that's not my name. In my head I' still "bitjel maiden-name". (I do have a few items still in my maiden name 20 years later, maybe its because I haven't dived in the whole way). Wondering if anyone else has this.

Edited to add I didnt mean to make this a poll!

The majority of women change their name, so it’s more likely to have a circle where all do than a circle where none do.

I preferred my married name, to the point that I kept it even after I divorced DH.

I think you should just pick the one you like best. I personally hate double barrelling, it’s long for forms, a mouthful for people to say. So I say just pick one and be done with it. If you prefer your maiden name then go back to it. I liked DH’s surname more and I wanted to have the same surname as my children without double barrelling so we all went with that one. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s not anti feminist or weird to take the husbands. It’s not weird to keep your maiden name. Just do what makes you happy

I wanted to change mine. My single syllable first name sounded harsh with my birth surname. Plus I have a complicated relationship with my father.

Dh's surname is much prettier. Instead of being Dawn Pickard I am now Dawn Jennings, or occasionally Dawn Pickard Jennings. Both much nicer than my original name. Not my real name, obviously.

Which is a different thing again.

I'm not married to my partner so obs have my name that I've always had. When I had kids I insisted we double barrelled since hearing of a friend having difficulties taking her child abroad before she married her partner and her child had his name. Passport control gave her a hard time. I had to push for double barrel and am very glad I did. I don't want to get married but if I did I like my name. It is mine and important to me so I would keep my name. Our children are 'ours' not his.

Plus there are still women who don’t even realise it’s optional: there was a thread this week with an OP who thought it was the law and was fretting in case she forgot a bank account or form somewhere, and believed that she was legally obliged to be known as Mrs once she was married.

You are reading too much into it. I was simply reacting to the idea that absolutely nobody changes their name as it’s utterly ridiculous and old fashioned to do so which many MN posters seem to express. Old fashioned it may be, but it’s still the most common decision. And of course many posters talking about it did it back in the days when it wasn’t old fashioned anyway - which also means the proportion of women using their husband’s name will be way above the current rate of 86.whatever% that I quoted.

No, you're reading too much into what I've written.

I wrote that not knowing anyone who's changed their name is unrepresentative. It is. No getting round that one. Then you wrote that not knowing anyone who did would be more unrepresentative, which is a completely different point.

The other stuff you write here, like your views on other posters terminology, isn't related to the bare bones factual point I made.

I’ve been married 23 years now and weirdly I don’t think either my maiden name or my married name feel ‘real’ anymore.

Maybe it doesn’t help that my parents made up their surname. 1960s people and thought that neither family should take precedence so made up a whole ‘new’ family name. So no one in my wider family has that surname either.

I got divorced last year. When I was with my then husband I liked having his name. But I changed it back to my birth name after the divorce. What a hassle! What's more my married name is simpler than my birth name. My birth name is northern sounding, so no-one in the South (where I live) can bloody pronounce it properly. Constant correction. I can't win!

I don't really understand why its odd for me to keep my dad's name, but not odd for my DH to keep his dad's name after marriage.

I don't think those stats about how many women change their names are very meaningful since they don't quantify how many times each woman got married! I know a number of women who changed their names on first marriage and kept them on second. Which stat do they fit in? And I kept my name over two marriages! Should that count twice??

Eh? What views on terminology? I have no idea what you are talking about.

It’s marriages in a particular year I think - so unless you married, divorced and remarried all in the year the figures were taken from then it doesn’t confuse anything. Of marriages in that period, over 86% of sone changed their name. It may not all be to their husband’s name in fairness - I think that would include double-barrelling and creation of a new family name.

I love having the same surname as my kids but I really do miss my maiden name.

It's how my son's middle name.

No not at all. Only been married 3 years (been together 22)

No, my maiden name seems odd now and it feels very odd to think that used to be my name. Married 25 years, but I think it came quite quickly. I always found my maiden name quite hard to say!

I changed my name the first time around and bitterly regretted it. It never felt like my name and I felt no connection to that family other than through my ex husband. I changed it back by deed poll long before the divorce was finalised. This time (second marriage) I kept my name - which IS mine regardless of which of my parents it came from, has been mine since birth and connects me to many of my own ancestors. I feel a strong connection to my name and my own family history. As much as I love my husband, I could never feel that same connection to his name or to his own family. We don't have a family name. My eldest has his father's name, the middle two have my husband's and the youngest has mine. We are still a family unit though, just with each our own name and identity.

I had a crap maiden name. Was very happy to change it. Would feel really weird to go back.

Been married 15 years and can't remember it even seeming not like my name. I have the same number of syllables still though and my married surname is a much more pleasant sounding word so things like that I can totally see making a difference for people.

Add me in as well and I would never go back to my maiden name I'd probably choose something else if I got divorced

You literally wrote about people saying it was old fashioned and ridiculous. Those are terms. They also have nothing to do with what I wrote.

Same here. My sister in law opted to double barrel hers, and my mother bitterly regrets not doing the same.

I imagine this feeling is a factor for some people who choose to keep their maiden name.
Though in my head, I think of all my friends as their maiden names still rather than their married names, but I think of myself as my married name.
I was never that attached to my maiden name - it was my dads name but not the same as my mum, step dad and sibling that I grew up living with so I felt like the odd one out.
I always wanted to have the same name as my husband & kids.
Though my husband comes from a culture where the women keep their maiden names (but the kids get the mans name of course!)
I suppose the compromise would've been double barrelling if I was attached to my maiden name.
My sisters husband is going to change to her surname because they don't like his enough to even double barrel.

Omg I feel exactly the same! I wish I had kept my maiden name and still use it for a few things. Been married 17 years now and my husband would be very hurt if I changed it back.