To still feel uncomfortable with my married surname (and wonder if anyone else does too)

[bitjel]

I've been married 20 years and it still feels off/wrong when I say my name with married surname and even signing it feels off. I'm in a very happy marriage but I still feel like that's not my name. In my head I' still "bitjel maiden-name". (I do have a few items still in my maiden name 20 years later, maybe its because I haven't dived in the whole way). Wondering if anyone else has this.

Edited to add I didnt mean to make this a poll!

Yeah, I sometimes forget I’ve had a different name for the last 11 years. I’ve been known to write my old name on occasion by accident.

I don’t mind my married name, but I still consider my old name to be a large part of me and sometimes use both. My DC have my name as their middle name as it’s frequently used as a given name as well as being a surname.

I wouldn't say I hated my maiden name, but it wasn't the best and I usually had to repeat it or spell it so I was happy enough to change it - and after being separated for over 20 years I still use my husband's name.

No, my married name has always felt like ‘my’ name. I love it. I’m one of those who constantly practiced my married signature for the year I was engaged.

I had a real dislike of my maiden name though, so that’s a big part of it. I don’t even like telling people what it was! It was a pretty ordinary name, I just hated it.

I'm getting married later this year and I've decided I'm going to keep my last name.

I might consider double barrelling but just using it socially eg. On Facebook etc but I cba doing all of the paperwork to do it officially. Seems like a happy medium!

At work I'll just keep my name the same

I can’t say I’ve experienced the same. I was so bloody thrilled to shed my maiden name because it was my dad’s and we didn’t have a relationship (and he was long dead when Dh and I got married). I didn’t really have a family who I shared a name with and I really wanted that. So changing my name to dh’s family name and then having dc meant I felt like I had a proper family. It was very symbolic for me.

I think your name says a lot about your identity. If your name isn’t you, I guess you could change it back, though may be hard for people to adjust after 20 years and I’d assume it meant you were divorcing, which probably isn’t what you want to do either. I guess maybe it’s just a sign that you shouldn’t have changed it to begin with, as unhelpful as it is to realise that now.

It was a long time ago and traditonal I guess. The whole family having the same name. Yet that isn’t the norm in other countries, no such thing as a married name for women. The Spanish do it well with the 2 surname thing.

I still don't entirely identify with my married name, even after over 25 years!
I did think about keeping maiden name but it was my dad's name and our relationship was complicated and my childhood wasn't particularly happy.
DHs surname was already double barrelled, which was unusual over 25 years ago, so couldnt add my surname to it.
I did talk to DH about it and he got a bit upset about the thought of me not taking his name, I think it felt like rejection, it would have been an unusual decision at the time, and I knew I wanted a family surname, we wanted DC and I wanted us all to have the same surname.
So I changed my name, and at first it was a bit exciting - it felt like play acting, trying out a different identity and a fresh start but it still doesn't feel 100% me, probably made worse as me and DHs sister have the same first name and she has kept her surname so we have identical names!!
At one time Iiked the idea of choosing a brand new surname but DH and DC would think. I'm mad and definitely wouldn't change theirs.
It will be interesting to see what DDs decide to do.
I think the double barrelling thing will die out or evolve as how many names can you add together?? I have a Portuguese friend who has about 4 surnames!
I really don't like the patriarchal norm of women changing their name in marriage and I think it should be female surnames that are handed down to DC.

Honestly. Why is it that women are expected to take their Husband's Names - Why can the Husband not take the wife's name? Are women second class citizens or something?

I work in the same professional job as my Husband so why should I lose my identity to him? Why should I lose my Parent's identity to him?

I'm sorry, but I think losing your name just because you marry a man is outdated and mysogynistic. We're all equal however many X and Y chromosomes we have

What do you mean you kept your signature? Your signature is simply just signing your name.

I got married in a register office and told the registrar I didn't want to change my name and she said actually nobody just changed their name and I could just carry on calling myself by my own name. I think I'd imagine that you had to sign a deed poll at that point but you don't do you? My sisters and friends who are divorced continue to call themselves Mrs married name which always seems really odd to me.

I'm sorry, but I think losing your name just because you marry a man is outdated and mysogynistic. We're all equal however many X and Y chromosomes we have

Do you mean misogynistic or sexist? Not sure you can argue the former. It’s unquestionably sexist and rooted in the patriarchy but nowadays, it’s seen more as a romantic custom symbolising unity. In people do it to embrace tradition or is it the default?

Ny niece got engaged at Christmas. She has a great surname. Her husband to be has a blah one (think Smith) which would make her name and surname alliterative. To my surprise (and in 2025), she’s planning on taking his name. I like to think it’s not a given nowadays, but I know it is still something like 80% of women change their name to their husband’s.

Well you don't have to change your name, so presumably those who do change are happy to do so - therefore it is none of your (or anyone's elses) business, so really no need to comment.

I never liked my maiden name so after divorce kept my DC name (how I see it). It's my name and I've had it for over 20 years.

The circle I claimed not unrepresentative was the one where nobody had changed their name. Where only a small percentage of a large group do something, it’s more representative to have a group with none of the small percentage in than to have one exclusively made up of them. That was my (fairly obvious) point I’ve no idea why you are arguing. I can’t help further.

My sister and I didn’t change our names on marriage, and without trying I can think of 8 friends who remain as their birth name. (I can’t bring myself to use the term ‘maiden name’)

Two of my male cousins double barrelled their names with their wives. Whereas so often women double barrel while the man just keeps his name.

Two lots of gay couples (men) I know both double barrelled while my women friends in a same sex marriage kept their own names.

Nope.

My birth name belongs to me.

It’s on my passport, my birth certificate, it’s mine.

How can men have names that belong to them but women only borrow them?

All of my social/professional circle kept their own name.

I think I read there's a link between keeping your own name and level of education apparently.

I use the same signature I always have which is my maiden name. As long as your signature is the same you can sign what you want

No, it isn't. You might think that's what you claimed, but it is not.

The poster wrote: 'I do not know anyone in real life who has not changed their name on marriage'. You then said this was not unrepresentative. The reason you can't help any further is because you misread the post you were talking about.

It's correct that you said it would be more unrepresentative to not know anyone who'd changed than to not know anyone who hadn't. But nobody said it wasn't, and that's not what we were talking about. Meaning that claim was irrelevant two days ago, and continues to be now.

I'm the opposite. I changed my name when married and kept it when divorced. I prefer my married name, it flows better. It's just a name.
I still don't like my maiden name. Nothing wrong with it, it's just very short and dull, and my first name is also short and dull. Think Jane Smith (no offence to the Jane Smiths of the world!)

I know exactly what the post meant and exactly what I said. You are being too literal. Enjoy it though.

I agree about that. I feel my maiden name is the real me.

What I meant was women do not often get to pass their name to their dc.

Your signature can be anything, it doesn't even have to be a name, it's just something that marks you out as being the person it belongs to.

I prefer my married name to my maiden name, nothing wrong with my maiden name just my married name suits my first name better

This is why I didn’t change my name…. Because a ‘married name’ wouldn’t have been my name. My actual name is my name.