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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

477 replies

greyA · 27/01/2025 19:54

Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 27/01/2025 22:40

greyA · 27/01/2025 19:59

He’s 7 months post recovery and generally fit and well

So why is he being medically retired then?

LoremIpsumCici · 27/01/2025 22:42

FOJN · 27/01/2025 22:38

With respect, you are bonkers. Doctors will and do tell patients that they advise they stop working and apply for medical retirement. Sepsis can cause permanent damage for which there will be no full recovery, as with many other serious health conditions - ie a stroke.

As I said they advise, they do not and cannot dictate. They may agree with a patients decision to stop work if they have a chronic, deteriorating condition for which there is no hope of improvement but generally they will encourage activity and independence wherever possible.

Thank you for your TED talk on sepsis, I worked in ICU for 15 years.

You are making an awful lot of assumptions based on very little information and have decided to insult anyone who disagrees with you.

No, you have the order wrong, the patient doesn’t decide and then the doctor advises, the doctor advises and if they are 90% of people who like being a contributing member of society, they have to convince the patient that they must give up work for their own health/survival.

Thank you for your service in the medical field, but I’m not making assumptions as I have had legal oversight of many medical retirements within the workplace. It’s not something that an employee can simply decide to get after a hospital stay because it’s convenient.

LoremIpsumCici · 27/01/2025 22:44

Humfree · 27/01/2025 22:38

If it was proper medical retirement surely he’d be getting a pension rather than a payout?

Depends on the employment contract. Not all employers have a disability pension.

Rosscameasdoody · 27/01/2025 22:45

greyA · 27/01/2025 19:59

He’s 7 months post recovery and generally fit and well

So why is he being medically retired ?

babyproblems · 27/01/2025 22:45

He needs to step up massively. Have read all your posts. Does he think he is actually ‘retired’ from life when you have two young kids?? Bizarre he cannot see what being a SAHP requires? I’d be writing him a list and saying ‘here’s the job description, if you don’t want this role then go back to work & we’ll buy in the help. If you don’t want to be in ‘the family’ as an active member, bugger off.’ Good luck X

babyproblems · 27/01/2025 22:48

He’s taking redundancy basically for everyone clutching their pearls about ‘why he’s taken medical retirement’ - it’s not retirement because he is not getting a pension. Presumably the employer thought it was favourable to them. The real issue is what he sees as ‘women’s’ work!!!

BoredZelda · 27/01/2025 22:50

greyA · 27/01/2025 21:13

He has decided he does not want to return to work and is going to be a SAHP which is why he has pushed for medical retirement. The business is making mass redundancies anyway so this was an easy out for everyone. He is generally well and our son is a happy, easy going baby that naps usually at 10-12 and 2-4. Most days I put our son down to nap and most days I find him watching tv when I come downstairs. I’ve gently explained I can’t do everything but he gets very sulky and defensive. Historically when well he wasn’t always the best at housey stuff but I let it go as he contributed 50% to the bills and is a good dad.

No, he has decided he doesn't want to work. If he was a SAHP he would be putting his baby down for a nap.

He isn't a good dad, because he doesn't contribute to the household.

My husband took a few months parental leave and sure, he wasn't as much on top of the house as I was, but he did a decent amount of housework, cooking, washing, tidying etc.

Sit down with him and let him know what being a SAHP involves and if he doesn't want to do that, he goes back to work. If he sulks and gets arsey about it, ditch the manchild. That way you'll have one less thing to worry about.

KindLemur · 27/01/2025 22:51

greyA · 27/01/2025 19:54

Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

Tbh OP sounds like he is wanting to be nursed and you to pay for everything. I’d play it like this, you’re concerned at how little he seems to be able to do, and it’s worrying you, ‘ let’s make a Gp appt and go together and I’ll tell the GP how concerned I am that you haven’t even got the energy to bath our kids. I think we should apply for PIP for you , carers allowance for me and get a mobility car and look at carers coming in’. Either he is genuinely ill and needs this, OR he will shape up because he will realise he’s acting like someone who can’t even wipe his own arse whilst you make yourself ill running round like a mad woman. I’ve experienced this to some extent but post orthopaedic surgery with my Dp. Recovery time was 3 months ish but after 6 months of literally not even making himself a glass of water i declared there must be something medical going on, I was borrowing money off my parents for him to go private and find out what the issue was, and that I was hugely concerned that I needed more support and was going to contact our health visitor as he was now a disabled parent and we needed help. Id lost 3 stones was working with kids and he didn’t even flush the loo properly one day left shit in it and hobbled out expecting me to sort it it was almost the straw that broke the camels back but we got there.

FOJN · 27/01/2025 22:52

LoremIpsumCici · 27/01/2025 22:42

No, you have the order wrong, the patient doesn’t decide and then the doctor advises, the doctor advises and if they are 90% of people who like being a contributing member of society, they have to convince the patient that they must give up work for their own health/survival.

Thank you for your service in the medical field, but I’m not making assumptions as I have had legal oversight of many medical retirements within the workplace. It’s not something that an employee can simply decide to get after a hospital stay because it’s convenient.

You missed the part about the redundancies and OP's husband being unable to give his employers a timeline for his return. Medical retirement was a convenient solution for all parties. Overseeing the legal documentation if this process is not the same as medical insight. Presumably you don't sit in on medical consultations?

How are you not making assumptions? You've reached a conclusion about the medical retirement that the OP says is inaccurate and you've referred to her husband having "medical conditions" despite the OP reporting he is generally fit and well. People with sepsis that isn't cured will usually be discharged to an undertaker, not home.

I also worked for the DWP for a while too so I'm quite familiar with the process of people being signed off as unfit for work.

Cornishclio · 27/01/2025 22:57

I guess it depends on how fatigued he gets. If he can do diy he can do housework. My son in law had sepsis and was in ICU and almost died when my DD was pregnant with a toddler. He went back to work on a phased return after 3 months and is now back full time. He always helped at home when he could even whilst recovering although I appreciate not everyone can recover at the same rate. You will have the best idea as to what he is capable of. Does he qualify for DLA? If so can you use some to pay for a cleaner?

Sunshineandoranges · 27/01/2025 22:57

It might be hard for him to adjust to his new role in life…he didn’t choose it. You need to be communicating with each other about your feelings and views.

Naunet · 27/01/2025 22:58

Everyone is so focused on him and how tired he is, but can we just take a moment to recognise what OP is doing? Back at work 6 weeks after giving birth, working full time whilst juggling the baby, doing all housework, majority of childcare, all cooking and even getting up at night with the baby, OP you are an absolute soldier.

Having said that, if you keep on like this, you will burn out and could lose your job, which will bring even more stress. Your husband needs to be more help, tired or not. I don't believe he's doing everything he can or he'd see you running yourself into the ground and would feel bad, not have a tantrum because you went for a bath.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 27/01/2025 22:59

CautiousOptimist · 27/01/2025 20:02

If he was a stay at home husband without added complications I'd agree with you. As a SAHM I did everything to do with the house and kids during the week aside from the pot washing and the odd evening out with friends when DH would take over bedtime.

But it's not without complications is it? Your DH has been seriously unwell, so much so that he cannot work. So he wouldn't be able to do the bulk of the chores I wouldn't think? Due to no fault of his own, he can do o my what he can manage. Talk to him in a supportive non-confrontational way about what he feels he can manage day to day. Hopefully he'll continue to improve and be able to do more and more.

ThIs

Having known people with sepsis it takes its toll for a long time x

KindLemur · 27/01/2025 23:03

Genuinely OP I think you need him to be looking at PIP assessment, carers allowance for you and using it for cleaners or for a laundry service. I’d also get your 6yo involved with young carers and see if you yourself can access carers support locally. You’re gonna run yourself ragged honestly

Ophy83 · 27/01/2025 23:03

Any chance you could work somewhere other than from home so you're not trying to work whilst also doing childcare/chores? If you're not around to do it he'll have to (assuming he is well enough )

Darkmorningsarethepits · 27/01/2025 23:04

You know he’s taking the piss out of you.

He sounds at least almost fully recovered and has decided sitting around at home suits him

The worry is that you clearly know this is grossly unfair yet aren’t able to have that conversation with him. Why not?

He can either get a less stressful less physical job or start doing the housework and childcare 9-5 in the working week.

In the meantime can you work out of home so you aren’t there to just end up picking up al the slack? If you don’t have access to an office then take your laptop to the library or a shared work space?

Elizo · 27/01/2025 23:06

You’re working full time, he isn’t. Surely he should be covering pretty much all of it

Franjipanl8r · 27/01/2025 23:08

It took me 18 months to recover from a major health event. PTSD can also be a factor. Don’t underestimate the emotional trauma from being in ICU when you have a young family. Recovery for me felt even slower as looking after young kids is so excruciatingly exhausting when you’re ill.

I would say 7 months is early days. You need to adjust to being a carer and a parent. Rally friends and family and favours to help, be honest and open with others that you’re continuing to struggle.

cherish123 · 27/01/2025 23:09

Assuming he has recovered enough to do housework, he should be doing everything.

justasking111 · 27/01/2025 23:11

I wonder if he's well enough for sex?

KindLemur · 27/01/2025 23:17

Franjipanl8r · 27/01/2025 23:08

It took me 18 months to recover from a major health event. PTSD can also be a factor. Don’t underestimate the emotional trauma from being in ICU when you have a young family. Recovery for me felt even slower as looking after young kids is so excruciatingly exhausting when you’re ill.

I would say 7 months is early days. You need to adjust to being a carer and a parent. Rally friends and family and favours to help, be honest and open with others that you’re continuing to struggle.

Carer parent and full time worker keeping the mortgage paid and family afloat ??? Wow that’s a lot of favours she needs to be asking. Genuinely wonder if her DH’s family are helping at all. When we had our 6 months of me basically being a full time business woman parent and house elf I think MIL popped round once and made me a cup of tea. And told me I shouldn’t be tumble drying my DP’s socks as it shrinks them and he doesn’t like them tight 🙃

it’s all well and good saying call in favours but what if there is no one

Octopies · 27/01/2025 23:22

If he wasn't great at pulling his weight with the housework before he got ill then I don't think he will suddenly change now. He may not be up to giving the house a full clean, but he should be taking on some of the essential tasks like cooking and laundry.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain what's involved with running a household and taking care of the kids and check he wouldn't rather go back to work, or look for a more suitable job if he isn't physically well enough to return to the one he has now.

HT2222 · 27/01/2025 23:47

Seems like he has the wrong end of the stick re being a "stay at home parent", and doesnt realise this ALSO includes being a "stay at home house husband". and not just a child carer.

Ask him what he thinks a "housewife" does all day. List all the chores he says - I am pretty sure most if not all men have a clear idea of what it takes to run a house.... Then leave it for him as a guide, along with "any other jobs that are needed".

2JFDIYOLO · 27/01/2025 23:59

When all was well he contributed 50% £, dadded well - but wasn't a fan of doing the house stuff, so you both got into the habit of his stuff / your stuff and it kind of worked.

He became seriously ill nearly a year ago so quite rightly got a pass then - but has been fit and well 7 months ... and he's still clutching the pass.

He's taking medical retirement, not because he's in poor health - he's fit enough to do the DIY he likes doing - but because it made admin sense to the business.

As in - he's perfectly capable of playing his part in the home. He just doesn't. The old habit trudges on.

Now you're feeling rock bottom because you're sick at the moment on top of being knackered, while he's back in good health - and lounging about enjoying himself. And still expecting you to do all the housework / wifework / mumwork on top of the only paid work. A spot of DIY really doesn't balance it all up.

Anger, sadness and resentment are absolutely understandably building - which isn't healthy for you two or the kids.

Work out exactly what it takes to run the household. Think of it like a business. Each task that needs to happen for the results you want. And include every hour you spend commuting and working. Maybe do a one week 24 hour plan that illustrates exactly what you did hour by hour.

Have the conversation.

Show him and tell him 'These are all the things I have to do every day to keep our home and family afloat.

I'm exhausted.

I can't cope any more.

I need help.'

It may be some of that lump sum could be used to get regular help if he cannot or will not step up and husband / dad.

A cleaner, shopping delivery, prepped food boxes, laundry service, dog walker, gardener, window cleaner etc etc.

It's a pressure cooker, and the pressure needs reducing now. Or he'll sink further and further into solidified habits and role model an unfair workload to the children.

2024onwardsandup · 28/01/2025 00:07

greyA · 27/01/2025 21:13

He has decided he does not want to return to work and is going to be a SAHP which is why he has pushed for medical retirement. The business is making mass redundancies anyway so this was an easy out for everyone. He is generally well and our son is a happy, easy going baby that naps usually at 10-12 and 2-4. Most days I put our son down to nap and most days I find him watching tv when I come downstairs. I’ve gently explained I can’t do everything but he gets very sulky and defensive. Historically when well he wasn’t always the best at housey stuff but I let it go as he contributed 50% to the bills and is a good dad.

He doesn't think he should do alll those kings because he thinks there all women's work - probably never occurred to him ever that he might actuallly do them...

I think it needs a proper sit down discussion where it is very clearly agreed what his responsibilities are.

I'd be realistic though about what he will actually do and think ahead to what to do when he doesn't - ie do you want to stay married when you're both the main breadwinner and still do a lot of the domestic work