Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

[greyA]

Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

He has decided he does not want to return to work and is going to be a SAHP which is why he has pushed for medical retirement.

With respect, he would have been told by his doctors that he had no choice.

You need to have a chat with him about what he is able to do.

It's not fair for you to do it all but it's also not fair to him if he isn't able to do it without pushing himself into a more serious condition.

You both need to come up with a solution that works, whether that's oven meals, batch cooking, hiring in help, getting additional childcare and find a way to make this an equal responsibility to contribute to.

I am a disabled parent. I can give 50% in a relationship but that might not mean I do 50% of cooking or washing up as I physically can not do that, but I would find a way to take other things off a partners plate in order to make the balance of responsibilities more equal.

In that respect he also needs to find a way to contribute financially whether that is on benefits or whether he has a plan for finding work that is within his realm of capability be that part time, work from home, self employed, a side hustle, whatever. His 25k will take some load off but it won't last forever if he uses it to buy aids or support - which I'd urge him to do as an investment to his health and responsibilities.

FWIW when DS was about 4 weeks old he developed meningitis and the same day I developed sepsis. We were both admitted to ICUs in different hospitals and our families both thought we would die as that was where we were both headed. It was a scary time. DS fully recovered but I developed CFS. It's not how I imagined being a parent at all and recovery has been so slow. There were days where all I could do was change nappies and lay and feed the baby. He's almost 6 now and I am still cripplingly exhausted after doing the school run twice a day and it's only 100 steps away from my front door. It's hard for my family to see how hard this is on me because they see me sitting or laying down and it looks like I'm not doing very much, but at the same time I'm also finding ways to try and build my strength back up and plan my days to the T so that I am sharing some responsibility.

Everyone recovers differently. YANBU for expecting a contribution and an effort towards wellness, and expecting him to not grow complacent with you doing everything but you need an honest discussion about what he is capable of and what steps he is taking to make sure he can work up to an equal partnership.

Ask any mother that has been seriously or terminally ill if they did absolutely nothing?
I know mothers who were unable to do absolutely anything while they were seriously ill and/or permanently disabled.

This site is awful for its ableist and sexist shit sometimes.

I don't know why people are so insistent that he has chronic fatigue syndrome. Or that his medical retirement was an arduous slog of a process. The company are making mass redundancies and he has decided he wants to be SAHP. The company would have very little reason to refuse it as its convenient for both parties. Medical retirement here could be easily substituted for redundancy.

If my husband were ignoring the household chores but could find the energy and time for DIY and hobbies I'd be absolutely furious!

Make plans for your futures....are you going to be his carer. When he can be assessed for recovery

Well, he has a choice. He returns to work or is a SAHP with household responsibilities. What he can't do is sit on his arse while you do both jobs.

Maybe I’m off the track on this but I’d be thinking ahead as to when this relationship ended. I wouldn’t want him being portrayed as the stay at home dad who gave his all to create a wonderful family life, while mother indulged in her career. I’d be wondering would he possibly get to stay in my house with my kids while I lived in a one bed flat nearby.

I have been in this situ with a SAHD who did sweet nothing and let me burn myself into the ground.

You suggest things gently and he gets sulky and defensive. So then you don’t push anymore and he carries on getting away with it!

the way I see it, you can find your anger now ans have a gentle but firm conversation setting out your expectations of a SAHP (what’s the worse that could happen, that you fall out ?)
or you will burn yourself out doing it all and probably end up divorced down the road ! Only then you’ll be exhausted and divorced

I'd be tempted to work away from the house at least 3 or 4 days week, ie from a local work space? Make the point you can't do 2 jobs at once so you'll let him do his job (he's signed up to be a SAHP) and you do yours? Or he also works from home and you both outsource child care and house work?

@Humfree
A lot of people are making assumptions about what 'medically retired' means. From the OPs description it sounds like it was a convenient way to end his employment, rather than something more formal.

The OP’s description is what is wrong. You can’t get a redundancy labelled as a medical retirement for convenience giggles. It is formal, rigorous and very difficult to get a medical retirement approved. The employee’s consultant doctors have to write reports and letters pushing the employee and employer to accept it.

only she knows whether he is properly fit and well or not.
Hah, no she doesn’t. Her DH’s doctors know if he is properly fit and well or not and for him to be getting a medical retirement approved, he most definitely is the polar opposite of fit and well for the foreseeable future, perhaps even rest of his life.

I can’t believe you are blind to cognitive dissonance in the OP’s posts.

Sounds like he's unemployed and you're a full time single parents and housekeeper with a full time job as well.

In what way is he a good dad?

If he can do DIY. He can do SAHP work.
You need to tell him sulking just doesn't give him a get out of gaol card.
If he is staying at home he needs to participate.You wont/can't do it all.
Just beware if he auto decrees he is SAHP. & you then leave him, it implies he is primary parent

With respect, no he would not have been told he had no choice. Drs can advise on expected length of recovery. They do not dictate whether someone can work.

Sepsis can vary significantly in severity, often depending on how soon treatment starts. Recovery is affected by severity, length of illness, age, fitness before illness, pre existing conditions and many other factors. None of us have access to that information.

The medical retirement is a red herring, it sounds like it was convenient.

The issue is the husbands attitude to being expected to do anything at all and the OP's exhaustion from doing it all.

Well done you. You don’t have the health conditions the OP’s DH does, so it is irrelevant what you can and cannot do.

@ElizabethTaylorsEyebrow

Not to even be ok with her having a bath though?

With respect, you are bonkers. Doctors will and do tell patients that they advise they stop working and apply for medical retirement. Sepsis can cause permanent damage for which there will be no full recovery, as with many other serious health conditions - ie a stroke.

A doctor isn’t going to sign off on a medical retirement unless they have determined that the patient is not going to recover to the point they will ever be fit to work.

The medical retirement is a red herring, it sounds like it was convenient.
That is how the OP has described it, but the reality is that a medical retirement is the most inconvenient thing there is. It’s not convenient for the employee who now has to face loss of assets/savings until they get below threshold for a life on benefits. It’s not convenient for their partners or children who have to deal with an adult going from independent carer to a dependent in need of a carer.

The issue is the husbands attitude to being expected to do anything at all and the OP's exhaustion from doing it all.

Clearly OP doing it all isn’t sustainable, but that doesn’t mean it is sustainable for her disabled DH to do more. A solution needs to be found and one that recognises that her DH is not fit, well and fully abled.

My son had sepsis as do many others you do need to build your strength again. Or should we all give up trying quit work and plonk our arse on the sofa 🙄.

As the OP said.

There are different levels of severity for sepsis and different outcomes, from mild up to and including death. There is no guarantee that everyone who has had sepsis can just build their strength back up. Sepsis can cause permanent damage to the heart for example, or even brain damage. This you can’t build back up from.

Of course, if you’ve had sepsis with no permanent life changing damage, then don’t give up because full recovery is possible for you.

The likelihood that someone getting a medical retirement is in the same category as you is slim to none.

Either he sorts it out or you will end up divorced

You are missing the impossibility of him being both fit and well and in the process of being medically retired.

With respect, you are bonkers. Doctors will and do tell patients that they advise they stop working and apply for medical retirement. Sepsis can cause permanent damage for which there will be no full recovery, as with many other serious health conditions - ie a stroke.

As I said they advise, they do not and cannot dictate. They may agree with a patients decision to stop work if they have a chronic, deteriorating condition for which there is no hope of improvement but generally they will encourage activity and independence wherever possible.

Thank you for your TED talk on sepsis, I worked in ICU for 15 years.

You are making an awful lot of assumptions based on very little information and have decided to insult anyone who disagrees with you.

If it was proper medical retirement surely he’d be getting a pension rather than a payout?

What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

You've answered your own question there then, particularly as you say in a later post your DH is fit and well in his recovery.