Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

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Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

Partnership means having equal access to scarce resources, on your case it is free time. While he might not have a full day capacity, he needs to use some of his to free some time for you.

Not many people will have the nerve to tell you you don't deserve some time off

Don't say you need help...say these are all your responsibility and not mine

yes. Pip application is a good idea. However there is an earnings limit for those receiving Carers allowance and it is laughably low

Not "I need help."

Instead:

"You are one-half of the adults in this household. You must contribute one half of the labour needed to run this home. You aren't earning. Therefore your half is

ALL the childcare and half the chores on this list, without prompting. I will earn money and do my half of the list.

This is non-negotiable. If you don't step up, starting today and maintaining consistent quality of effort and results, I'll not tolerate you. We will divorce. Take your pick.

My mum spent almost 2 weeks in a coma from pneumonia, her organs went into septic shock - afterwards she would get winded walking from across a small room but the physio working with her on recovery said forcing yourself to get up and move is crucial and can make the difference between going back to normality eventually and a permanent disability. So she gradually walked bit by but - she went back to work after 6 months but she was operating at about half her usual capacity and took at least another year to fully heal. The thing I remember was when we would go for a short walk and she would stop and sound like she was struggling to breath I would freak and tell her to take a break she refused because she was determined to build up her ling capacity and recover. Sitting around watching tv is not working on recovery or helping, it sounds like he is depressed and has opted out of life. My mum did struggle with things like hoovering for a long time but she did ironing, washing up, cooking, cleaning surfaces etc…. Work out what he can do and come up with a realistic plan.

I am a SAHP currently- all kids are different, mine is high energy and likes to be attached at the hip - velcro child. At 11 months the house was a bit of a state, I did 100% of the day time childcare, all the nightly wake ups (apart from some at weekends), I did most the daily cleaning but we adjusted our expectations and had a less clean house when she was that age. If it was me I would write a chores inventory ie what you currently do and what he does and then write out what you want to see change.

It’s not 100% clear from your post if he does the majority of the childcare or if you do it all as well as working. If he is doing all the child care (ie feeding, changing, playing with) then I wouldn’t expect a perfectly spotless house - kids are exhausting and it can be hard to hoover and keep a young child entertained. If I was the working person I would expect all baby stuff to fall to the SAHP during the working hours on weekdays and most of the nightly wake ups. But the working parent should do half of baths, bed times and evening cooking etc. Day to day I’d expect the SAHP to clear up the daily carnage (kitchen/living room) and do the laundry, sterilise all baby stuff and keep the kids safe, entertained and in clean clothes and nappies. I’d then pick a morning on the weekend where you both blitz - split making beds, cleaning bathrooms, hoovering etc… if he can’t do hoovering and making beds yet maybe be can wipe sinks and counters or do some batch cooking for the week. Work out what he can do and divide it accordingly. If his answer is to do no household work m, switch off from life and watch TV instead of seeking external help with his recovery I strongly consider splitting up. If he has given up on life and you have an 11 month old it would be a long hard slog raising kids while caring for a lazy man child.

Yes, quite right re not saying I need ' help ' from you.

From what you've told us, he sounds like he's NOW perfectly capable of doing whatever is necessary around the house, but just doesn't want to. I get the impression too, that if he hadn't been ill, he'd have chosen to take redundancy anyway, and still said he wanted to be a SAHD, so now he has to step up, or get another job, as there's no way you should have to work all day, take care of your child, and do all the chores, shopping, etc. I think I'd be laying down the law now OP, and telling him that if he's not prepared to do his bit, then he can get the hell out, and leave you to take care of yourself and your child, but you're sure as hell not looking after him, when he won't do his fair share.

Also, I had double pneumonia and sepsis, a while back, and almost died, but was still able to do all of the household chores after 4 months, you just learn to pace yourself, but then I'm a WOMAN, and we're not generally known for milking illness, (I refer you to the 'dressing gown of doom') so I think your DH is simply taking the piss.

Don't do a "huge" list. Do a list of things that need doing. Don't try and make it so he feels it's unachievable because let's be honest, a lot of people aren't cleaning behind their cookers every week or polishing the door knobs.

You better be ready to follow through. The moment a partner threatened me with splitting they'd be out of the house in a moment. Or I would. I'd never allow someone to give me such ultimatums. They'd be single before they took their next breath.

You are one-half of the adults in this household. You must contribute one half of the labour needed to run this home. You aren't earning.

But some people genuinely can't contribute half of the labour, this is veering into ableist territory.

He may be able to do a bit more than he's doing now, he may have gotten stuck in a rut with his recovery. He may be physically able to do more but be struggling mentally with his change in circumstances. Odds are that he can't do half, at least not yet.

I'm male 56 and retired. My wife still works part time. Yesterday I deep cleaned the kitchen. Today wash floors. Weds general tidy. Thursday big dust and vacuum. Friday bathroom. Plus generally tidy, cook .
Wife washes up on the evening and does the garden (she loves gardening)

So errr yeh. He should be doing a lot more. It's 2025 not 1925.

How long ago did you recover from the sepsis that left you in ICU?

You know generally speaking, just because you're a guy who can do these things, it doesn't mean everyone is. I know some women who are just not domesticated at all. I know a lot of men who aren't. I know quite a few men who are. I know lots of men that can put up a shelf and similar, I know very few women who can do that kind of handy DIY work.

I'm disabled following an accident.

If your partner has been working and making NI contributions up until recently then he may well be able to claim additional financial support.

As others have said, generally fit and well and getting medical retirement don't match.

I'm assuming he is not fit and well.

He can claim ESA - contributions based employment and support allowance. PIP is also a possibility. They are apparently prioritising new claims and mine recently went through fairly fast.

That money can be used to get a cleaner and buy in additional help.

I looked into medical retirement. I would have been able to access my pension early, and so would have got a monthly payout, but the amount I got would have been significantly less than if I took it at normal retirement age.

In addition, I would have had to be certified as unable to work in any job at all, not just my current one.

I decided it wasn't worth it and I'd rather access my pension at the normal time.

So if he's actually medically retired (ie been certified not capable of working any job, now or in the future) he should be getting a monthly pension, plus can access esa and pip.

I was thinking that. Literally the only similarity between the two situations is a penis. 🤦

He’s running errands while you work so leaving the baby with you? Minimum, given he’s ‘fit and well’ and pushed for medical retirement partly due to the industry being poor and is doing diy, he should be doing most of the housework, making dinner, doing appointments for the baby-does he take him to groups/out for walks? Drop offs and pick ups for the 6 year old.

Yes this. A lot of men these days expect you to go out to work and be a housemaid or just generally have no clue.

I have a friend whose husband has never taken their baby out alone. Ever. Why? Well because he works and she doesn't. Whenever he's home and they go out?, she comes. She doesn't want to be at home without her baby and husband. So it means baby is now 2 and he's never been anywhere with just his dad. So dad doesn't know how to be outside with an infant. And now their baby is almost out of the time you'll have to do things like warm bottles and change nappies on the move so he will likely never learn.

But my friend has never learned how to put the backseats down in the car because she never has to do it herself.

DLA doesn’t exist any more for working age claimants. It’s PIP. And it’s very difficult to get. Interestingly, a few posters have suggested he claim PIP - while saying he’s basically fit and well. So that being the case why would he need to claim a disability benefit ?

I think you're flogging a dead horse. Tell him to get a job. Explain his only two options are full time work or properly being a stay at home parent but only until your little one is at school. I think this will breed resentment and he'll never step up. You shouldn't have to explain any of this to him. He knows he's just being a lazy arse.

How will she enforce this as his only 2 options?

He needs to ship up or ship out.

The longer you stay with him the more you’ll have to pa maintenance whilst he says he’s the main parent.

OP has already said the employer isn’t offering a pension but rather a lump sum payout. And yes, he could claim contribution based ESA but any pension payable over the threshold would reduce the amount payable. Everyone seems to be advising a PIP claim also, but for either benefit there needs to be evidence of a disability or health condition for the claim to be successful. OP says to all intents and purposes he is fit and well - basically recovered. So a work capability assessment would likely find him fit for work and ESA would be limited to 12 months if awarded at all and he would be required to look for work as a condition of claiming it. And PIP would probably be a non-starter because it’s assessed on the effects of the claimants’ condition, not just the fact that they have one. If he’s not significantly affected by his condition in his day to day life he won’t qualify.

If he comes across to OP as basically fit and well, why would you think he would qualify for PIP ? It’s a disability benefit assessed solely on the effects of the disability on day to day life. According to OP he’s perfectly capable of stepping up, so there is clearly no residual disability.

You must be exhausted. You can't be expected to carry all these responsibilities. You need a frank conversation. If he really can't handle the housework, then some of his payout needs to be spent on getting some help, such as a weekly cleaner.

There is a balance to be met.

On the one hand, he has been very unwell. My DH has a form of arthritis and fatigue is a major factor, and he does struggle at times. So don't underestimate that aspect.

On the other hand, you can't do everything.

If you were a single parent on a decent wage, you might make a decision to get a cleaner. Can you afford to do this temporarily?

I think you need to have a conversation with him, acknowledge that he is still recovering but say that you are also feeling the strain and it can't go on like this, otherwise you will both be off sick, so until he recovers you are going to get a cleaner temporarily, and he is going to be responsible for the on-line shopping, laundry and school runs.

None of this is onerous, if he has nothing else to do during the day and maybe the presence of a cleaner will kick start him. If not, then he needs to go back to the doctor.

Also, don't underestimate how much this may be affecting him mentally as well as physically. My DH gets quite low at times, and low self esteem and feeling useless can easily trigger depression.