Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

[greyA]

Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

I could've written this post when my kids were younger. I really hope you get out as I did.
Does he get angry if you press the issue? Mine always said he couldn't do any chores, need to stay in bed, but if pressed would leap up shouting and breaking things then storm out the house.
Now my kids are approaching 10 and we've been split for 6 years. He's had " cancer" three times in the last four years and uses therapy appointments or illness as an excuse to ditch child contact whenever he likes.
He's never paid a penny toward the kids or worked at all in 8 years. He's basically a hoarder who just uses women to get all his crap done.

I'd recommend getting him to move out if at all possible, you could get an occupation order for coercive control if you recognise your situation there.
Otherwise move the kids and you out even if you don't split up, just say it'll be easier for him to recover. LOL.

He's a joke. Seriously though your situation is not funny. Best of luck.

By the way also realise, he's not doing these things because he's checked out from the relationship. When the 25k comes, if it does, he'll ditch you or cheat on you.

I think it's time to stop 'gently explaining'. Get a bit fierce, make some lists of what you each need to do and don't do the jobs he should be doing.

My husband is 70 has lots of cardiac problems and surgical health concerns.
He had sepsis and kidney failure due to infected gall bladder in November.
He also has fatigue however he sets targets to achieve daily in order to enjoy our children and grandchildren.
If no effort is make some sort of recovery then nothing will be achieved.
Think your husband needs to try to make an effort for his family

I think you should outsource what your husband isn’t managing, like the cleaning, so that you can both get more of a break. It doesn’t sound like he is going to be able to manage to juggle it all, and you will burn out and resent him more and the love might die…so the logical answer is to get a cleaner and find solutions like that for the situation you are both now in. Best of luck!

Yanbu to expect this if he was really fit and well, but he's not.
The question I have is, does he manage other stuff, hobbies, social events etc.
If he's not able to manage those, then YANUnrealistic. Often fatigue cones with brain fog and he may need more direction..

You have my sympathy, my DH is long term sick, and it's really, really, difficult.

This isn't going to work, op.

You're going to run yourself into the ground and resent the hell out of your h.

Is he fully recovered from the sepsis? If so, he's a lazy, inconsiderate man child.

Imagine seeing your partner working, getting up with the baby AND doing everything round the house and just letting her crack on. Urgh.

If he wants to be a SAHP, does he realise that this includes all housework and cooking? No?

You need to have a serious talk with him about your expectations and what's fair.

What is he doing with his time if you're doing everything?

Recovering from a life-threatening illness, so serious he's being medically retired!?

I'd do the cooking and expect him to do everything else- if some of the cleaning etc doesn't get done, don't sweat it- but the stuff that must be done he will have to step in, but bear in mind when he goes back to work you need to negotiate a division of chores.
Why martyr yourself scrubbing floors and cleaning the bathroom? As long as everyone is fed, is clean, and has clothes to wear it's enough, you will have to compromise, or make yourself ill and destroy your relationship in the process.

I would have a convo about what’s realistic for him to work on during the day and then when you clock off your both in parenting mode

He's not a SAHP, he's just a lazy twat that's chosen not to work.

A SAHP involves you parenting, he's not doing that

@JustWalkingTheDogs

Can I re- write your last sentence, as I think it’s slightly misleading.

A SAHP involves the parent to parent…

(By writing ‘you’ , I misread it that you wanted op to parent, not the dp. Is. You were talking directly to op- sorry if this is pedantic).

I think I'm half asleep, my last sentence makes no sense to me either. It should have read 'him parenting' not 'you'

But has been medically retired from work , which won’t have happened unless he couldn’t continue. Looking after small children and a house is physically
and mentally demanding, he may be risking his recovery

You haven’t read the OPs updates have you 🙄

No he hasn’t 🙄

Well I did say IF. Also the op has said he’s fit and well now…

If he's being declared medically unfit to work, that does suggest he's not currently truly fit and well. I also learnt that my DH has no idea what I used to do as a SAHM. Things like cleaning the skirting boards and under the rugs, or dusting. He sort of knew about vacuuming and loading the dishwasher but not much else! Ask him what he thinks he's able to do at present and maybe create a list of tasks to show what needs doing?

Has he been medically retired from all work or one specific role? What have his rehabilitation team advised? He may well have ongoing fatigue and other long term medical complications. Obviously, you need support but you need to have a clearer picture of his current ability and prognosis.

Sorry OP But he sounds like a twat to me. I'VE had sepsis (as a result of a serious condition that I am still receiving treatment for/having surgeries for which has been ongoing for 2 and a half years). At the time of diagnosis I was told I had 12 hours left to live and it was lucky I got to A and E in time. I had necrosis (dead tissue that needed removing). I still support my partner!

Did your husband like his job before he became ill?

Well, yes, but there is no indication that the husband is planning to go back to work in the foreseeable future, if ever. You can put off cleaning the bathroom for a while, but someone is going to have to do it eventually.

OP said he's generally fit and well and has the energy to do DIY and tinkering with things. So he's choosing to do what he likes to do but not the housework which he has a pre sepsis track record of swerving. I'd tell him he needs to earn enough money to pay for a housekeeper/cleaner /cook to do the stuff he should but won't do as a SAHP...if he wants you to still put a roof over his head that is. He can do something online. Or suggest the £25k payout goes towards domestic help. What a lazy fucker.

It dpends what his line of work was.

He is 7 months into recovery, he will have to go back soon. Sepsis is serious but not particularly likely to recur after 7 months.
25K will pay for a lot of cleaning, there is no need for her to do it herself- if the husband point blank refuses use the payout.