Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

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Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

If you read the op and her updates, this isn’t strictly medical retirement and there is no pension in payment. The employer was making redundancies anyway so seems DH has been paid off with a lump sum as he couldn’t specify a date for return to work. PIP is nothing to do with the ability to work - it’s assessed on how your disability impacts daily living and mobility so things like your ability to take care of personal hygiene, toileting, cooking a meal for yourself, eating and drinking etc and how much help you need from someone else, or any special aids or equipment you use to help with it. If OP is expecting her DH to help with housework and childcare it doesn’t sound as though he would qualify for PIP as the thresholds are high.

No he definitely needs to take on a fair bit of the day to day running of the house. He can't have it both ways either, he is the stay at home parent or he needs to be looking at getting some type of rehabilitation training for a new career.
Start giving him specific things to do and a time frame in which to do it.
E.g. Morning he does the school run, comes home Tidy the kitchen, make beds, and clean the bathroom / living room etc. I would start making a list of daily jobs and weekly ones that you expect him to do no if's or but's, if he says he is tired say so am I. Tough. Unless his illness has left him with a physical disability, like breathlessness or mobility problems He needs to start learning to work through his fatigue. Don't leave this become the new normal.
He then needs to learning to prepare the evening meal. Men are notorious for saying they can't do things like cleaning and sorting things out but it's not as if we were taught these things but we learnt as we went along.
perhaps you can do a meal plan at the weekend and start having the shopping delivered, it is so much easier. I pay £4.00 per month with Tesco for any day PM.

None of this easy It might be worth looking at pip for him www.gov.uk/pip. You need to look after yourself too. It sounds as if you are caring for him too.

I wish people would read all op's posts before commenting, they really do answer the questions people are repeatedly asking, and the answers and advice would be different too!

Having read your update I don't think your expectations are unreasonable but experience on the relationships board tells me you are unlikely to get anywhere with it. What do you think you will do OP?

If he's going to be a SAHP then he needs to do it. So he gets sulky and defensive but he needs to pull his weight. Sounds like what he did when he got himself medically removed from his employment. He refused to agree to a timetable on his return to work.

I would buy him a Robot-vac cleaner (that can also mop) for his next birthday present. And a dishwasher for Christmas and a combined washer / dryer for the birthday after that.
If your DH is not willing to do even light housework, it’s time to go high tech to help you get the stuff done. Is a cleaner an option as well? I assume you have at least 50% control of the family finances.
Being able to have a relaxing bath is important self care for someone in your position and your DH’s lack of concern for you is not good at all.

The information about what he's capable of now should really have been included in the OP!

But given the updates, yes he ought to be doing more than he is. If he's fit to run an errand, he's fit to do it with the baby in tow. If he's capable of DIY, he's capable of tidying and cooking. If there are still any physical issues, he can still take on mental load and household admin type tasks.

Cripes. So many men are like 'the difficult child' in a household.
I'll tell you what leaves you fatigued: Being pregnant, giving birth, recovering from that, breast-feeding babies, running a household, school-runs, a full-time job, nursing an ill husband AND then having to wonder if he's doing everything he can to help. 🤷

I hope you never experience sepsis or septic shock. I could even lift my head off the pillow in ICU. They are surprised I survived and told that even after being discharged there's a high risk of succumbing to it. I have multiple organ damage, severe fatigue and most days are bed bound and require assistance to turn over. I still consider myself to be an adult however and try to contribute to the family as much as I can. Obviously there's a range of experiences and levels of recovery but I don't think we are better placed than his doctor, to know what he is capable of.

He is disgrace, you're still doing all that while he does what exactly? Tell him to pull his finger out and start pulling his weight or to be honest why are you even with him and I don't say that lightly as I think things should be worked out before that thought even crosses my mind but his is taking the piss.

I can’t work out your angle here! While near bed bound you did as much as you could for your family, very reasonable and unsurprising for a mum. This man is totally not bed bound, up and able to do diy and hobbies, are you defending him objecting to doing any boring housework and parenting shit for his family?

Ask him what he thinks are his responsibilities/duties, as part of being a SAHP, day to day.

If he won't entertain such a discussion, or suggests he should actually do bugger all and is too unwell to do anything, then ask him to claim PIP whatever Universal Credit is available for someone unable to work.

If he won't do that or you know that he will not succeed as he actually is able to work just doesn't want to... I'd strongly consider leaving, as this isn't going to get any better.

What (roughly) was his job, is he really unable to work at all or simply unable to do that specific job?

He sounds extremely lazy and it seems like now you have 3 children to look after. Sympathies and good luck.

If he truly is fit and well then write a list of everything you do and everything he does and ask him if he thinks that's fair.

A good rule of thumb is - would life be easier if you were a single parent and he was paying maintenance and taking the kids at weekends?
If yes - he's probably not pulling his weight.

No it doesn't mean he gets a free pass and can choose to only do the things he likes. I'm just pointing out that there's a range of experiences and he might not have been fit enough up until now. With any severe illness there's also an element of emotional impact that can make people fearful about the future. I'm suggesting that having a conversation with his GP about his fitness level now and what he can expect in the future would be more appropriate than for us to guess what he's able to do. Then they need to sit down and work out what he's going to be able to do to contribute. I grant you that with some men there's an element of "useless at housework" or thinking it's all "women's work" and they need to be readjusted! I'm just loathe to advise the OP that she should unilaterally decide what he's able to do and put her foot down because there's a risk that he might relapse medically. Working with him and his GP or physio to get him recovered and as able as possible might achieve the aims the OP is looking for. Then if he's still not pulling his weight, she will know it's because he doesn't want to and not because he can't.

I do agree in normal circumstances I would expect two healthy people in a partnership/marriage to contribute 50/50 to all aspects of the family, whatever their gender. I don't like to think that people see those who can't, for no fault or lack of trying on their part are then considered to "not be an adult".

Hmm I’m not sure, obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of his medical condition but I am an ICU nurse and it can take people a very very long time to recover even fit and healthy people can really struggle after a lengthy (and sometimes not particularly lengthy) ICU admission. Look into “post ICU syndrome” to give you an understanding of what may be going on with him. It’s a lot more than just fatigue. Sepsis affects every part of the body, and often involves multi organ failure including delirium which although appears to have resolved can actually cause some long term cognitive and memory changes. Muscle wastage is a huge issue after critical illness and just doing day to day tasks can feel like running a marathon. I’m in Scotland so not sure if it’s a thing in England but do you have inS:PIRE clinics linked with your hospital or anything similar? It’s incredibly useful for families struggling after an ICU admission.

It's impossible for people to say what he can and can't do given none of us live in his body. If he is medically retired presumably doctors deemed him unable to work and looking after a baby takes a lot more energy than a lot of jobs so it's certainly possible that it is much harder for him than you and any of the posters on this thread think,

It must be pretty fucking shit to live in the OPs body too. She's birthed a baby, rushed back to work and is now carrying the entire mental load of the household and of financially support it.

If he won't pick up his share, the relationship is effectively dead

I had sepsis after having one of my children (with multiple organ failure and them having to “bring me back a few times”) and ended up in a coma for a month after a month sedated (nah, not sure what the difference is, still).
But…I was back being a proficient parent (after tonnes of support) 6 months after itt all started. I had to learn to lift my head, move my fingers and walk again, as part of my recovery.

…and with all of this in mind…it seems like he’s taking the piss.

Seems like the classic response: women gets on with it and gets back in the game. Man milks it and dodges doing his fair share for a long time...

Wow yanbu at all. If he’s physically well enough then he should be doing all the childcare whilst you work, as well as the lion’s share of the housework (including food shopping etc) as time allows because I appreciate it’s not always easy to get stuff done with a baby. If the roles were reversed then rightly the stay at home mum should be doing the majority of work re children and household. What does he actually do all day?!

If he’s retired on medical grounds then this means he is too ill to work - or at least too ill to work in his current field of work. He isn’t choosing to be a sahp.

One suggestion is that if he is struggling to keep up with household chores due to fatigue etc then he may be able to claim PIP. This could then give you some money to pay for a cleaner to come in and help.

He possibly does need to try and keep some normality in the day. But if fatigue sets in pretty quickly it’s going to be a struggle. Maybe start by agreeing one task he could try and complete each day. So one day he could maybe put some washing on. Maybe one day doing the dishes and wipe round the kitchen. another day do some hoovering. Maybe invest in a robot vacuum cleaner. But agree that if they aren’t done then you won’t get mad.

He months even need to just start to increase his tolerance to moving about each day.

How does anyone know he is physically well enough though?