Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

[greyA]

Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

If your read the OP’s updates this is not medical retirement in the normal sense. DH couldn’t give a timescale for return to work so the employer seems to have made a compromise based on redundancy - there is no pension payable, just a lump sum payoff. He has also said that he doesn’t want to work - not sure where that leaves OP if he’s refusing to work and help out around the house.

I think you should return to the office . He will either step up or rethink being a sahd. The current situation is ridiculous and he is being a cunt

It's funny, i don't agree at all regards the few stay home dads i know, they're great. Depends on the setup i think. But i would say that the expectation they face is generally different regardless, even if we don't realise it. Close friend is a dad who took on multiples from weeks old because mum's career is a better fit. We laugh because friends were constantly offering him part time jobs on the side thinking they were helping when he literally had his hands full. It came from a loving place but can you imagine as a woman caring for week old triplets alone most of the time, and your friends assuming you also need a part-time job on the side because you're "not working" now. Doesn't happen to female friends. If their OH so much as mentions mess/cleaning or cooking they're insensitive, even if they've been working all day. Yeah some home dads are probably pants, but i know a fair few home mums who seem less than qualified tbf.
In this case it's tricky but i suspect resentment is creeping in, only OP knows how much he can do and is or isn't. It's not unreasonable to have these feelings at all, but you need to address them with your OH or you'll become unhappy.

But she also says that he has ongoing fatigue. That's not compatible with doing the bulk of the household chores.

So right now he not a net contributor which wouldnt work for me in the context of 2 small children.

I'd be really really clear: either he starts being a SAHD or you will start divorce proceedings as you cant carry 4 people.

Id also get back into the office or find somewhere to work from asap

@greyA I suppose it depends on the type of job he is being medically retired from? Will he be able to do some sort of work in the future?
I'm sure he could manage some light housework, cooking and a bit of childcare. Hopefully, you find a way forward for you both.

Being medically retired he may not have the stamina to do everything as a SAHP. You could have a cleaner coming in weekly then discuss with him what chores he can take full responsibility for day to day as it's not fair him just watching TV and leaving everything to you. It's about being an adult and not taking advantage of you. If he has full responsibility for certain tasks, like putting laundry on, ironing children's clothes, cooking dinner, school runs - discuss together what he can take responsibility for, life should run smoothly without needing to be reminded as his tasks are his tasks every day.

If he genuinely is resting and unable to do anything, then really, it's an "in sickness and in health" deal.

However, if he energy for other things, such as pub / golf / gym / days out, then he is being a CF.

Either way, you need to decide as a couple what you are doing re childcare for your youngest - your thread suggests to me, that baby is at home all day, every day, as you are working and your husband either can't, or won't, do much with them. If this is the case, it isn't good long term, especially as baby gets older. Either your husband takes baby out to groups / park / softplay / playdates, or else someone else will need to do it.

Maybe not, but it doesn’t mean that he can’t help at all. And unless the fatigue is significantly impacting his mobility and ability to look after himself it doesn’t qualify him for disability benefits as many posters are advocating.

Medically retired?

It sounds more like he's declined to arrange a return to work.

Does he qualify for DLA?

Does being Medically retired mean he can never work again? Will he have a pension? How old is he?

I have so many questions about this..?not least, what does he do all day other than a bit of diy?

If he's medically unfit to work outside the home, he's probably medically unfit to work inside the home, housework etc, as well. I know this doesn't help you though!

Fatigue is a difficult one because people don't look sick. I had it for over 2 years caused by an illness and it was extremely frustrating because I couldn't do obvious or easy things for no "good" reason. I can see why you're impatient but he is ill.

YANBU.

My DH became ill when our youngest was 1 month old. I had to go back to work full time and put him in child care from 12wks old. My DH sat on his arse for 6m whilst I worked full tome, dropping the kids off at the childminders and collecting them after work, paying £20k pa in child care on a less than £50k salary. So at 6m in when he was functioning again, I told him to f-off or look after the kids. He decided to look after kids.

He did a reasonably good job on the house and kids front tbh - I bathed the kids every night I was home and had them all weekend. Anyways, it allowed me to grow my career which was a positive for me. The negative was I spent a fair amount of time away from home overseas until the kids were 10 and 11yo. Not what I wanted but if you're gifted a partner who has ill health you've got to deal with it.

@KindLemur Carer parent and full time worker keeping the mortgage paid and family afloat ???

Yes sadly that’s what parents with young kids whose partners are very ill have to deal with. More awareness of the struggles that very ill parents have to go through would be nice. If the OP’s DH had cancer no one would be telling him he’s taking the piss! Other serious illnesses and recovery periods exist and also deserve understanding and compassion.

If he’s able to do DIY/hobby type stuff then he is able to run the hoover round once or twice a week and put some washing in. He is also able to cook dinner at least a few times a week, it doesn’t need to be a 3 course michelin star worthy meal. If he thinks it’s too much to do a week supermarket run then he can do an online shop whilst sat on the couch then he just needs to put it away it arrives.

Honestly OP, I’m sure it’s been awful for him and that he does tire easier than he would BUT I think he’s taking the piss.

I can’t gauge for how he feels having never had sepsis but his reaction to you taking time for a bath and him getting pissy when you’d worked and then cooked and bathed everyone is really shit.
If I were you I’d just do the basics, so make sure the eldest is ok. Hes the sahp so surely he can do the 11 month old or like someone else posted, he needs to get medically assessed and get some pip so he can get support. I probably would struggle not to fend for baby too so that was a bit in jest, but after that I would do the bare minimum and go and watch tv or spend time with the kids as youre tired too, so that would mean not clearing up, not doing his laundry etc and see how long he copes.
it very much seems he’s taking advantage of you particularly if he can manage errands and diy

He should be able ti cook/ wash up etc
It's not physically tiring.

I'm not disagreeing that there needs to be some discussion about chores/expectations but the above comment just shows that people do not understand real fatigue.

I can cook sometimes, I can wash up sometimes, but I can never do both in the same day! Sometimes just getting dressed or going to the loo is all I can manage.

Totally agree, but so is childbirth and in my experience whilst mothers are generally happy to push boulders uphill for the benefit of the family, most men I've encountered tend to push pebbles up the same hill, in their own time provided they don't feel ill of course. A relative had sepsis, emergency hysterectomy, two weeks in ICU, touch and go for a while. Six weeks later, back at work so sorry if he can't help out now, he needs to see a doctor to find out if anything else is wrong.

Why don’t you put the children into childcare surely that will help you BOTH out

You probably wouldn't hear about a mother lounging around for months on end doing next to nothing - most of us just get on with it no matter what the (dire) circumstances!

Sorry, OP, he sounds unwilling and possibly incompetent. I'm sure he could do a LOT more - he just doesn't want to. But is happy to sit back and let you run yourself ragged doing everything.

While I agree that the OP’s DH should be doing the majority of the household stuff, I don’t agree with your take that the SAHP should do everything and the breadwinner just pays for things. Both should have equal downtime at weekends for example or a SAHP would be doing their share seven days a week with no downtime, That’s not fair.

If he can’t and you won’t then you need to pay someone to do it. Maybe a cleaner for a couple of hours a week would take some pressure of both of you and help him to work out what he is able to do. Online shopping too might help.

He can’t be both fit and well fully recovered if he’s being medically retired can he? He he was that well surely he would be returning to work? If he’s not fit for work can he claim pip and use the money for a cleaner?

Time to tell him much less gently. If he wants to be a SAHP, it is his responsibility to do the bulk of the domestic stuff, including taking care of the children during the day. Sulking if you say anything is childish and manipulative. He is manipulating you into not being clear and determined about this. Now that he is well, he needs to choose between being a serious SAHP, or getting another full time job.

DLA no longer exists - it’s PIP. Very difficult to claim and if he has no significant disability he won’t qualify. Also doesn’t sound like medical retirement as no pension is in payment - sounds more like it’s been worked out as a kind of redundancy as there’s a lump sum.