Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

[greyA]

Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

YANBU. Have you tried making a list and putting it on the fridge?
Mondays : bathrooms
Tuesday : floors etc etc

and every day
empty dishwasher
put toys away etc.

Maybe because he has been so lacking in energy it’s all a bit too much and he doesn’t know where to start and he’s got into a rut of not bothering.

Yes if he is fit enough I'd definitely expect him to help as much as his health permits. Both working for pay and childcare / looking after the home are work. When I was a SAHM I took care of pretty much everything down to home maintenance. If he struggles with his health and energy levels this will be more challenging. Only you and he can judge this. Is there any way you could get a cleaner a few hours a week to help you out until he recovers? I think getting annoyed with you when you clock out for a bath is not reasonable. Is he struggling with his mental health as a result of the sepsis and change in life style?

There’s a thread running at the minute where a SAHM is expected by the vast number of mumsnetters to do all the childcare and housework because her husband is financially supporting her. This SAHD is giving SAHDs a bad name.

Surely he wouldn't be going through medical retirement from work if he was 100% fit, he'd be back working again, even if it was part time (if available).

Have you also considered the mental health implications of what he went through? PTSD is an absolute b---h and not to be taken lightly if he's suffering from it. This aspect needs a good deep down heart to heart discussion followed by a GPs appointment if necessary. Men don't like admitting weaknesses - it's an attitude force fed to them from early childhood.

Then why is he being medically retired?? Doesn’t make sense to me.

@greyA yes and no. Stay at home parent should do the bulk of the chores, but if he is still recovering he may need a bit more time or he may not get everything done every day. But he should definitely pull his weight with the mental load and chores.

LTB if he won't get a job get his bags packed make sure all finace in order first

If he's too ill to work, perhaps he can get PIP? Then could you use that to provide some help in the house too, maybe for cleaning and ironing? He might feel easily exhausted, would be very debilitating. Some of these replies seem very harsh.

He has been medically retired and very ill recently.

To say he is a "SAHD" feels like he has had a choice in thematter, when he is too ill to work.

He should be doing everything in the daytime that needs doing... When you are working, you are working, you are the main provider. He has to pull his weight, after seven months post sepsis he should be able to iron, do the washing, polish, vacuum etc and, look after your youngest child. He wouldn't give a thought if roles were reversed..

I think you need to establish with him what being a SAHP means. It’s a full time job. If he isn’t up to the workload due to his serious illness, maybe what he needs is a part time job outside the home. What he can’t have is a part time job in the home.

PIP is nothing to do with the ability to work. It’s assessed on the effects of the disability or health condition you have - not just the fact that you have it. It doesn’t look at the ability to do housework either - it’s based on the effect your condition has on your ability to manage things like washing, bathing, toileting, cooking for yourself and the ability to manage finances, etc. It also looks at your mobility and how easily you can get around. It’s one of the most difficult benefits to claim and the fact that OP says her DH is fit and well would likely mean an assessor would see it that way and he wouldn’t qualify.

I'm thinking you need to have a break from some of the load and he should be contributing in ways he is capable of in a sustainable fashion.

Being able to tinker with DIY on your own schedule isn't the same mental load as needing to cook for two adults and two children, one of whom is still weaning.

Https://icusteps.org might help.

Consider - is a cleaner affordable? Is some time at nursery/ with a childminder affordable?

Also look at whether he can claim PIP and/or 'new style' ESA - Https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk - that financial assistance might enable you to have a cleaner / hello fresh type meals etc

You need to be less gentle op, you need to ask him what the long term plan will be as you can't go on as you are. If he's not well enough to be a sahp then maybe he could manage a part time WFH job and the youngest goes to daycare but he needs to know that in no circumstances can the current status quo continue not will he just sit on his ass as he's not retired. Make a list if what needs to be done each day/week and show him what you're doing v him

I do know it's easy for me to say so from the outside, but I think you should have work schedules. And it should be very clear that while you are doing a paid job he should do an equivalent of hours taking care of equally valuable but not payed chores, like a hot meal every day, grocery shopping and (part of) childcare. Put a price onit if he needs that kind of reassurance, but make him work as many hours as you do.

It's time he pitched in. It sounds like you have been incredibly supportive financially, domestically and with parenting, but you are going to burn out if you have to keep doing all of this - your current set up is unsustainable. Anything he can contribute he should. Possibly do it in a phased way of he's getting back into things. I hear do many stories where the situation is the same with genders flipped and the husband just checks out of the relationship rather than picking up the slack - it sounds like you've done a really great job getting your partner and marriage through this. Having been a carer myself I see your struggle. Good luck

If he is in the process of being medically taken off work, surely he is not entirely fit and well.

What kind of job does did he used to do, did it require a lot of physical health?

If he isn't able to work, can he work elsewhere? And earn money towards the house. If not, I think you need to consider his recovery and treatment.

Anyone who is able to earn a living and currently not working needs to probably contribute more towards the house.

If OP says he is fit and well, and more or less recovered seven months on, please do tell why you think him claiming sickness and disability benefits is appropriate ?

Reading your updates I would suggest to him it isn’t working and the baby should go to nursery whilst he returns to work. If he is able to do things and just isn’t, then it really isn’t fair on you. The question is how much more can you take. Serious chat required.

You returned to work and the home when you were only 6 weeks postpartum so no, he needs to get off his lazy arse and help. If fatigue is his issue, tell him to nap when the baby naps. That's what we get told after all.

He is at it, should be helping out at least in small ways... like a few dishes after dinner.

OP says DH wouldn’t give any indication to his employer of when he can return to work. The fact that the employer isn’t offering a medical retirement pension, but a lump sum instead indicates that it’s not medical retirement in the strictest sense, but a compromise between that and redundancy. OP also says DH doesn’t want to work, not that he’s physically incapable of it.

Ask for occupational therapy assesment and recommendations
If you plan to stay with this man, apply for the relevant benefits if eligible
Plan for your pension years

If his health is poor enough for ill health retirement (not easy to get approved) then he's not well enough to take on most of the household chores. I have a condition that causes severe fatigue and DH wouldn't dream of expecting me to do his share of the household chores despite the fact that he works full-time and I don't. He does probably 80-90% of the domestic chores and in nearly 30 years of living together hasn't complained once. I hate that I can't do my fair share but he never makes me feel bad about it.

I've forgotten who said it but washing dishes etc absolutely DOES take up energy and IS tiring. You just don't feel any impact when you are fit and healthy. It's depressing how little people understand chronic illness, especially illnesses that affect energy levels. Just because it's not visible doesn't mean it's not real.

There won’t be any benefits he’s eligible for. PIP isn’t appropriate because they’ll likely agree with OP that he’s fit and well. With no residual disability which significantly impacts on his ability to cope with daily living and mobility, he won’t qualify for PIP. And contribution based ESA isn’t appropriate because he doesn’t want to work, and job search is a condition of eligibility. I agree that OP could ask for occupational therapy assessment to see what he is capable of, but this would be for her own benefit, not for benefit purposes.