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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

477 replies

greyA · 27/01/2025 19:54

Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

OP posts:
MalteserGeezee · 27/01/2025 19:56

Sepsis is pretty major, is he still recovering from it, or otherwise fit and well again? On weekdays, he should run all aspects of the house -- cooking, cleaning, kids, mental load of life admin. It should be more evenly split at weekends.

Perplexed20 · 27/01/2025 19:58

How far into recovery is he? But no I think he could do some.

Catza · 27/01/2025 19:59

That seems like the wrong question. Presumably, when you were at home you weren't recovering from sepsis or possibly develope chronic fatigue. So he should be pacing himself if he is still unwell and expecting him to do tasks that push him over his safe baseline will leave you with a very sick, possibly bedbound husband. So the question really is, how well recovered he is and what is the safe amount of activity can he do without exacerbating his symptoms.

Original poster
greyA · 27/01/2025 19:59

He’s 7 months post recovery and generally fit and well

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 27/01/2025 20:01

Hard to say. You must know what he’s capable of in regard to his health more than us. If he has medically retired, he can’t be well enough to work. If he was a fireman then that’s understandable, but if he genuinely is too unwell to work in an office then I assume he has lasting effects of the illness.

Can you tell him the bare minimum of what he should be doing? Make beds, school pick-up, hoover and prepare dinner?

PondWarrior · 27/01/2025 20:02

Deleted as it was meant to be a quote tweet - will repost that way.

CautiousOptimist · 27/01/2025 20:02

If he was a stay at home husband without added complications I'd agree with you. As a SAHM I did everything to do with the house and kids during the week aside from the pot washing and the odd evening out with friends when DH would take over bedtime.

But it's not without complications is it? Your DH has been seriously unwell, so much so that he cannot work. So he wouldn't be able to do the bulk of the chores I wouldn't think? Due to no fault of his own, he can do o my what he can manage. Talk to him in a supportive non-confrontational way about what he feels he can manage day to day. Hopefully he'll continue to improve and be able to do more and more.

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/01/2025 20:03

The male version of stay-at-home-parent often seems to be stay-at-home-and-do-fuck-all-parent.

SometimesCalmPerson · 27/01/2025 20:03

If he’s being medically retired then it’s unlikely he’s completely fit and healthy.

How high are your standards? If he’s going to run the house the you have to let him do it his own way. You can’t expect him to spend his life trying to emulate your way of doing things.

ForRealCat · 27/01/2025 20:04

No, your expectations are on the floor. You are financially supporting the family, doing all of the housework, cooking and looking after the kids. Why don't you ask him what he thinks his contribution is to the family and if he is going to opt out of being an adult forever?

PondWarrior · 27/01/2025 20:04

greyA · 27/01/2025 19:59

He’s 7 months post recovery and generally fit and well

There must be more to it than that or he wouldn’t be in the process of being medically retired from work?

ThejoyofNC · 27/01/2025 20:04

This is not going to work.

If he's not voluntarily taking on these tasks then you'll have to constantly nag and pretty soon you'll be full of resentment and lose all respect for him.

CremeEggThief · 27/01/2025 20:04

Neither, in my opinion. It sounds both as if you may be expecting a bit too much of him (CFS/ME, so I understand more than most the true meaning of fatigue), but also as if he could do more and maybe has taken your help for granted.

cooldarkroom · 27/01/2025 20:05

Sounds like he's milking it.
He should be able ti cook/ wash up etc
Its not physically tiring.
I would not accept him doing nothing

RaininSummer · 27/01/2025 20:06

If he is now disabled then I suppose you have to manage your expectations. Is he going to remain unfit for work in the long term?

MotherOfCats25 · 27/01/2025 20:06

Tell him to go back to work if he's fit & we'll and not going to bother doing anything to help!

Downtherivers · 27/01/2025 20:06

ForRealCat · 27/01/2025 20:04

No, your expectations are on the floor. You are financially supporting the family, doing all of the housework, cooking and looking after the kids. Why don't you ask him what he thinks his contribution is to the family and if he is going to opt out of being an adult forever?

Wow! How would you feel if your husband asked you this whilst you were recovering by from serious illness - so ill you are being medically retired

Tisthedamnseason · 27/01/2025 20:06

greyA · 27/01/2025 19:59

He’s 7 months post recovery and generally fit and well

But he's being medically retired from work, so he can't be totally fine, can he?

FishFashFosh · 27/01/2025 20:07

With an 11 month old plus an older one, I'd be expecting any stay at home parent to keep both alive. Anything else would be a bonus. Add recovery from a serious illness on top and I just think you both need to just do what you can to keep things going.

RolaColaLola · 27/01/2025 20:07

If he’s “generally fit and well” then why is he being medically retired?

gamerchick · 27/01/2025 20:08

If you stay at home, your job is to run the house. So yes he needs to take on that load.

What is he doing with his time if you're doing everything?

Time for a chat about what role he sees himself in in this marriage.

Gemmy96 · 27/01/2025 20:08

He should definitely do some, but how much are you expecting someone to get done when they're recovering from a disabling illness and looking after an eleven month old baby?! The bulk might be too much!

Gemmy96 · 27/01/2025 20:09

greyA · 27/01/2025 19:59

He’s 7 months post recovery and generally fit and well

No, he's not. He's become so badly disabled he's retiring young. That's not fit or well.

TiramisuThief · 27/01/2025 20:10

Something isn't adding up if he's too ill to do his job, but somehow ok to do childcare and looking after the house jobs for 8 hours a day

outerspacepotato · 27/01/2025 20:10

Recovery is different for everyone. If he was in ICU, he was critically ill and that can take a long time to recover. He likely lost quite a bit of muscle mass among other things and he probably fatigues very easily.

Is he out doing other things or sitting home resting?

I got septic after surgery and wasn't in ICU and the fatigue was really something. I couldn't do housework, I couldn't drive or walk around a store, it was over a year.