Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

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Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

ANP here who also suffered from chronic fatigue post covid.
He's 7 months post sepsis. He's had a good convalescent period especially since he had 4 months of the OP doing everything.
He's able to do DIY.
Even if he has chronic fatigue, he should be prioritising shouldering some of the burden from you, not " tinkering " with what he fancies. He might not be able to do as much as he did pre sepsis but I'm sure the OP would appreciate the effort.
Sounds like he wants to maintain an invalid role. Think he needs a kick up the arse.

I had an operation in 2023, unfortunately contracted sepsis as a result (it was caught quickly) and I'm still not 100% recovered.

So I have sympathy for your DH.

But I'd ask - can he generally not do things, or does he magically find the energy to do things he likes?

Is he getting out and about? Seeing mates? Is he depressed?

Does he support you emotionally, does he show frustration at not being able to help more?

What was he like before being poorly?

If he well then yes he should be doing meals, chores and childcare. But if he is still struggling I would consider a cleaner if possible. I think the worst thing you can do is work from home with young children as you are still expected to be mum when you’re technically working.

But he’s not a stay at home parent really. He’s unemployed because he’s too sick to work. Working is easier than being home with small children all day. If he isn’t well enough to work, he must be really struggling with the kids.

Honestly, I’m off work due to illness (cancer). There is no bloody way I could look after an 11 month old. Let alone look after a baby and do all the stuff around the house. I manage the school run (most days), I do a bit of sorting things out or cooking or washing for an hour or two a day. Then I sleep. And I have no children with me all day because mine are both school age and even if home, old enough I can take myself to bed and leave them to just wallow in their own chaos for a few hours.

Sounds like he's taking the piss

How would your work feel about all the juggling you're doing whilst trying to do a demanding job?

I mean he should be doing more. But I'm not sure he is a stay at home parent?

If he’s actually physically capable and not struggling with exhaustion and all that, then yes he should be doing more in the house.

I was a sahm when my DC were small and I did all the childcare when DH was at work (of course), all the laundry and the vast majority of the cooking and cleaning. DH did most of bath and bedtime routine, although he wasn’t always home every night in time so I often did a lot of that on my own too.

Your DH def needs to step up!

You should both have equal amounts of self care time and time for yourselves.

Check our Fair Play by Eve Rodesky. There is a website and the audible is good.

Its no excuse.

I had sepsis, was in ITU, also haemorrhage and lost 5 litres of blood, was discharged anemic, and massive birth injuries, discharged with a newborn and a toddler, and I still did most of the child care and all the cleaning when my husband went back to long hours at 2 weeks post partum.

your DH being ill 7 months ago is not an excuse. He either gets on with it, or you have a conversation about expectations.

Seven months into recovery, clearing up after a meal, is not an outlandish request. Its the bare minimum at this point.

How much does he expect you to do and for how long?

Just telling him to do things might not be the right approach as it will get his back up and make him feel you are unsympathetic to his illness.

Can you make time for a proper sit down conversation with him when the kids are asleep? Ask him what he feels his limits are right now. Say you have noticed him doing more and more diy and hobbies and that’s very encouraging in terms of his recovery. Acknowledge what he’s been through but tell him you are on your knees and if he’s capable of helping you need that help now.

Its annoying to have to tiptoe but you catch more flies with honey than vinegar

How does he respond when you have this conversation with him- not the one where you went for a bath and he didn’t want to clear up, but the one you have with him where you lay out exactly what you’re doing and ask him why he doesn’t feel responsible for picking up a good proportion of these household tasks?

Alternatively could you withdraw your labour? Don’t go food shopping, don’t cook, don’t clean or tidy. Don’t be available to have the baby during your working day (maybe go out to a co-working space or a cafe so you’re simply not there). When he asks about the lack of milk or dinner you can tell him you have been working, why hasn’t he gone to the shop or whatever as he is at home.

He seems to assume that because you’ve always done these things that you will just continue to do them (maybe you like doing them 🤔) or that’s the natural way of things (you’re a mum, so you do mum things, right?) rather than a reflection of your previous work-life ratios, but it’s ridiculous to assume that once retired, you continue at home as if you were still working full time, while your partner who IS working FT is also doing all the domestic tasks.

• all this is null if he actually has chronic fatigue. Is he having to save up his energy for the basics of life like showering? If not and really he is ok, then it all applies.

Only on MN do women jump to defend a man who is seeing his partner fall apart at the seams with exhaustion

OP I think he's ready for a frank talk about sharing the load now he's on the mend. And if he can't take on those tasks, then something needs to change because you can't carry him anymore. What he's doing is unkind to you at best.... you're not supposed to see your life partner on their knees and doing fuck all about it.

So he actually is fit and well.

Just not interested in carrying his half of the load. He is a SAHP who needs to carry the bulk of the chores and childcare during the week working hours. And he's not. And getting pissy when you point it out.

I'd be very clear at this point: things change or he can leave. If he's not going to carry his weight, then he's dead weight for you and he can piss off.

Just make sure you can document that you are still doing the bulk of the childcare and homecare even though you're working full time before you ask him to go if you want custody.

Is the 11 month old at home all day OP, and is your partner claiming ( or eligible to claim ) any invalidity benefits or able to start claiming a work place pension payment?
if so maybe you could have some domestic support along with the other suggestions re using online shopping, slow cookers, meal prep in advance or use a meal prep delivery service etc.

if he’s able to do diy etc that will motivate him and give focus towards improving his health and stamina in time and you should set some realistic goals together.
having a daily timetable for jobs he can do broken up into bite size tasks and taking planned short rest breaks is key to recovery from chronic fatigue type illness but review often and recognise improvements together

Sounds like it's time for a robust conversation! Wait until you and he are both calm and talk things through. Ask him some questions ...

Does he see himself returning to some kind of work at all?
What does he see his role in the home from now on as he has now recovered.
How can you reasonably assign chores to keep the kids safe and fed and the house clean and tidy to make it fair for you both?
Is there anything in the budget for a cleaner or food prep such as Gousto or Hello Fresh?

Hope you get things sorted OP. There is a a real risk here of him pissing you off big time and that could be the end of your marriage or at least the start of some real difficulties.

The threshold for ill-health retirement is really high. Being a SAHP to an 11 month old is full on if you're fit and well, if he has the baby all day that must be utterly exhausting for him.

I don't think you can expect anything more from him than keeping the baby safe and well. If he was healthy I'd be flaming him from on high, but he isn't.

It must be utterly shit for you too though, you must have been so worried for him and then back to work at 6 weeks must have been brutal. And now you're having to do it all as well. Cut every corner you can, lower your standards way way way down. Odds are things will improve with time but for now you just need to grind it out.

How long was he in hospital? How bad was he really?

I had sepsis, pretty much every organ failed, multiple secondary infections, medically induced coma for a few weeks. 7 months later I was working full time again and walking a few miles a day. Yes we all recover differently but he sounds like he's miking it. You're not asking him to climb everest.

He's home all day with just an 11month old and what does the school runs. He should definitely be doing laundry and prepping dinner I'm assuming 11month old naps so he can have one himself if he needs it.

If he's being medically retired presumably he's got significant long term poor health? Would be qualify for PIP, which could then help pay for a cleaner?

What does he do all day?

Have you asked him what jobs he feels capable of doing now? Explain he doesn't have to do it all but now he is able to do more, he needs to consider how to help.

I actually agree with this. If you can get him to take sole responsibility for the baby so you’re not doing childcare while working then that’s probably pretty impressive for someone with possible chronic fatigue syndrome.

I know everyone else on mumsnet is superwoman, but when I was on mat leave there’s no way I could have done housework and cooking in addition to looking after the baby. And I didn’t have chronic fatigue (although DC was unusually needy due to health issues)!

If my DH thought like Mumsnet I’d have been out on my ear.

I would think that the poor communication would be the main problem for me. He's been ill, so I understand that he might feel too tired to manage much - but he needs to be upfront about what he can and can't do - and what he has and hasn't done. I'm sure you're not an unreasonable person OP and if he said I'm sorry I only managed x, y and z today but I know there more to do and I'm trying to sort it I wonder if you'd be less annoyed? I'd definitely be pissed off if it didn't even seem like he had a lot of the work on his radar.

I'm very much in the SAHP does not equal SAH skivvy camp, and so I don't think that just because you're at home does not mean you HAVE to do all the domestic chores alone, but of course each partner should be pulling as much weight as they can out of respect for each other - and it doesn't sound like he's quite with that programme.

Exactly. How is he watching his wife run herself into the ground?

He's either well enough to work or he isn't. A person that cannot work can't be a sahp. So together you'll need to find childcare and get a cleaner etc to lesson the domestic load. If he can work then he should.

What I am wondering about here though is whether he is able to work. The process of leaving a job due to ill health takes a very long time. I have experience of this with a relative , and other avenues are usually explored before termination of employment. This wouldn't be pushed through without evidence of his condition.

You need to have an honest discussion about this op. Perhaps your expectations are too high , we can't tell you that. But you've got to find a way forward for the sake of your marriage.