Stay at home husband - are my expectations too high ?

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Long story short, OH and I have a beautiful daughter age 6 and had a beautiful baby boy 11 months ago- shortly after he was born my husband was taken unexpectedly ill, he caught sepsis and ended up spending time in ICU and his recovery has been slow due to ongoing fatigue. He’s now in the process of being medically retired from work and will likely get a (£25k ish ) payout. I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old and have been working ever since. I’m fortunate that I earn a good wage and I can support us all on it but AIBU to expect my husband to do the bulk of the chores / childcare if he isn’t going back to work ? Currently I’m WFH but also juggling our children, cooking, cleaning etc - spent yesterday cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors and meal prepping. I’m really unwell with a cold right now, I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up. What’s reasonable to expect from him if he’s at home all day? When I was a SAHM to our daughter I did everything.

7 months post recovery means he's still recovering and not fully recovered.

If it seems like he's doing his best and can't do any more then is it, post recovery. It's basically saying you can be out of hospital to fend for yourself but not full on looking after others.

What's his proposal about how it's going to work going forward?

He's decided he wants to be a sahp. So he needs to be stepping up and actually do some parenting and household chores as a sahp should. Sit him down and just tell him.

You have 2 DC to look after. You don't need a man child on top of looking after them working full time and doing everything in the house.

Really? Doing his best?

I’ve worked all day flat out, cooked dinner for everyone and bathed both kids and my husband just got annoyed at me when I said I was going to go for a bath and leave him to clear up.

Really???? Clearing up is enough to annoy him?

He is taking the absolute piss.
Op, he needs to start working and contributing.

Really? Have you read the update?

And he got annoyed with being left one small task?

A BiL of mine had sepsis. It took him many months to recover more or less properly.

It’s been many many months already…

If he is too ill to work, apply for PIP and use that money to pay for someone to help you both cope with the chores

He can't opt for medical retirement unless he meets the criteria for medical retirement. That means he has to prove that he is permanently incapable of carrying out his duties. I think it also means he won't be able to work in the same role in future.

Can you go into the office some days OP so you’re not physically there to help him with the baby?

And then if he can’t manage it he should start looking for a doable job, or failing that apply for the benefits he’s entitled to if he really cannot work.

Time to talk, or I’d fucking leave the lazy cunt, 1 less child to deal with. Honestly, he’s taking the piss. Sepsis or not.

I agree but they need to look at what he can do instead of accepting him doing nothing. If he can handle a sedentary job and not an active toddler he needs to go and do a sedentary job and help pay for childcare. Not contributing at all is unacceptable, unless he is genuinely capable of nothing, which it doesn’t sound like he is based on the OP describing him as healthy and recovered.

I think childcare, bath time etc should be 50/50 split outside of your working hours. I would expect him to do the majority of the housework whilst baby naps and depending on how the baby is getting out and about I'd expect the food shop to be done by him too. That's dependent on his health though, I know you say he is fit and well but if that's the case how is he retiring on medical grounds? I thought that could only happen if there was a long term health condition? Even if he is unwell he shouldn't be moaning about clearing up when you go for a bath, he's obviously not significantly disabled if he can care for a baby all day.

Fuck that, he's taking the piss. He needs to be pulling his weight around the house & with DCs and if he won't do that, he needs to go back to work (& then buy in the help you need).

Putting aside the SAHP choice, even though he’s not fully recovered, it doesn’t excuse him from everything. Part of recovering is gradually re-introducing all these activities and chores

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Well you need to talk. Either he starts picking up some of housework, food shopping and meal prep or he gets a job.

You're probably both doing the absolute best you can, it sounds really rough.

Ask any mother that has been seriously or terminally ill if they did absolutely nothing? Seriously he needs to be called out. I have had sepsis and yes it took a while - but I continued to parent! Took care of the house more slowly. Pulled my weight as far ask could. I felt much better after week 6/7.

My partner developed sepsis 5 years ago whilst in hospital. He nearly died and his body has been severely weakened by it But he is able to clear the table and wash up and put dishes away. That’s about it though. I know everyone is different but In my experience you have to lower your expectations for a long time

You need to agree a level of split that works for you as a family. I am the breadwinner for my family and my husband is the stay at home parent/occasionally works (10-15 hours per week, but often less). He has had some ongoing health issues (obviously when was very sick he did not do the below). This is how we split it when he is well, which is now most always:

Me: Work full time, often from home but not always - pay mortgage and all household utilties. Plan and cook all dinners/evening meals; put away folded clothes for self/baby; Big clean of house every other weekend. Most of life admin for the family (inc DSD)/organising family holidays, drs/dentist appointments for child, planning and buying Birthday/Christmas gifts etc; put our child to bed every night and do all night stuff/sickness etc.

Him: Takes care of 2yo child full time, including organising activities during the week (last three months she has been in nursery three mornings per week); works when he can (if baby in nursery or my parents can help with childcare); does bulk of household/grocery shopping; does all driving, pays for family vehicle; does all family washing, drying and folding; does weekday lunchtime planning and prep; day to day tidying/cleaning; anything to do with bins; odd jobs around home; baths child each night and gets her into PJs.

We share: Washing up; paying for groceries; buying clothes for our child; weekend childcare (including of DSD); weekday and weekend mornings (giving child/ren breakfast, getting dressed etc); weekend lunchtimes.

I'm probably missing something big - but that's how we work it and it more or less works for us. You need to write down all the things that have to happen for the family/household to work and split them according to your abilities and time. It's fair enough if he is unable to work that he doesn't do some of the hard physical work - but it may mean putting his payout towards domestic help for the household.

It's a matter of mindset. He didn't really choose to be a SAHP, circumstances pushed him into it. So in his head, he's still recovering and not really a SAHP.
Your best bet is to sit down with him, when everything is calm, and lay out what you did when you were the SAHP. Tell him this is what it takes to run the house. Also acknowledge this might not be for him and he may prefer to work. If he chooses to SAHP, then start a process of handing over the tasks you are currently doing, bit by bit. Means you don't overload his physical capacity. Once something is handed over, DO NOT DO IT YOURSELF. Even if he does it badly, or more slowly or at a weird time.

It took me around a year to recover from sepsis. He should do what he can, though. Can you afford to get in outside help?

Tbh I think plenty of people (even MNers) think that being a SAHP is just sitting watching daytime TV all the time, when the reality is a million miles from that. It's possible that he just had no idea what he is taking on and if he did understand he'd racing straight back to an office job asap.