PIL have booked our holiday

[zara8775]

So, I’m not sure if I’m being oversensitive here, but this has really annoyed me. My husband and I went on a lovely holiday last year with our two kids – first proper break since having them – to a small, quiet resort in Greece. We loved it so much we’ve already booked to go again this summer. We’d mentioned this to his parents in passing, as you do, but didn’t go into loads of detail.

Fast forward to last weekend, MIL calls to say they’ve also booked a trip… to the exact same resort. Same dates, same hotel. Apparently, they thought it sounded lovely, so they decided to “tag along.” I honestly don’t know how to feel.

It’s not like we dislike them or anything, but part of what we loved about this place was how peaceful it was – no obligations, no one else to consider. Now I feel like our relaxing family holiday is turning into a big extended-family trip we didn’t ask for. DH thinks it’s “nice” they want to come and says it’ll be “fine,” but I’m fuming. I just feel like they’ve trampled over our plans and didn’t even ask us first.

AIBU to think they should’ve at least checked with us before booking? Or am I overreacting? I need to know if I’m being petty before I make this into A Thing…

So I think I'd handle it differently now. Still not quite sure how tho.

Can you change dates so you only overlap for half the holiday? Also I would never ever be giving them details of where and when we are going on holiday again ( until after the event).

If your DH knew about their sneaking around, he's a weak and stupid man who is risking marital stability and happiness to appease his interfering parents.

Absolutely. And I wonder how he'd feel if YOUR parents 'accidentally' joined you on holiday ....

Maybe it’s because I don’t have PIL (deceased) and my own family take very little interest so wouldn’t want to go on holiday but unless you really don’t get on with them I think it would be very rude to change it. I agree they should have run it by you. But I’d love extended family on a holiday to help with the kids. I’d try to see the positives. Make it clear when you want alone time. And don’t do anymore if it’s awful.

While I totally appreciate how you feel about this, at the same time your PIL may have thought it would be a lovely surprise to have GP there for the children and to potentially do some babysitting for you. It’s a compliment to you that they want to spend time with you. Oh, and btw, next year don’t share either dates or destinations!!!

Surely the only way you ILs could have known the precise holiday details right down to the name of the hotel is if your H told them? There’s no way the ILs booked an identical break without being fed the exact information!

You have every right to be annoyed and I’d definitely expect your H to admit his role in this …. and to see if you can change the dates.

They might not have time left 🎻……..

There is always one. I would not dream of doing this to my adult children. They really need time to relax when their little family is on their own. I love my children and grandchildren and yes when we die we hope to leave them something but we don’t expect anything in return.

You're in your own little world again. How on earth do you know that these people are elderly and in poor health so this will probably be their last holiday?

You just invent imaginary scenarios to fit you own world view and opinions. OP's PILs might only be in their 50s and in better health than OP. We don't know but most of us don't just make stuff up.

at the same time your PIL may have thought it would be a lovely surprise to have GP there for the children and to potentially do some babysitting for you.

I think that why I found it so hard to deal with - as everyone kept on IL were being nice. They never baby sat either though claimed they would ever time.

I think over the years it become obvious that they see trips away and holidays as their "thing" -don't even like the kids doing school trips abroad. We did a recent trip away - first in decades just DH and I - and his Mum kept phoning - even DH got fed up.

What is ‘basic human decency’ about unilaterally deciding to impose yourself on someone else’s holiday without a discussion first?

It's thoughtless of them. My in laws were like this too and it's bloody annoying.

You're not overreacting at all. I would be cross about that, especially since they didn't ask you first. Although, even if they had, it wouldn't be OK. Tagging along with someone else's plans is pretty rude, particularly if it's your main holiday, and most people would have the sensitivity not to do it.

It's a bit strange. But probably best now to treat it as an experiment.

If it doesn't work out, you'll know not to do it next year or tell your in laws where you are going.

You could say, 'Oh, good! That means they can babysit while we go out for the evening! Kind of them to offer..."

Are they definitely there the exact same dates as you? If I was booking onto someone’s holiday I’d be wanting to double check if got the dates right so if you’ve only mentioned in passing going back the first week in June for example, it doesn’t add up to me that they’ve then spent all that money betting on the exact same dates- makes me think your DH has definitely been in on it.

That's a bit of a leap @hwi. For all we know they could be in their 60s and certainly don't see it as their 'last' holiday - my FIL is85 and on his own and yes we have taken him away with us abroad at New year for last few years. The problem in that situation is they do expect to be around you most of the day. Different with a couple.

Are you absolutely sure your DH was in the dark about this and didn't quietly encourage them to book?

I would be incandescent with rage at the three of them. How dare they?

They surely got the dates from your DH otherwise how would they know when to book? And his reaction sounds like he was in on it.

For my baby's first Xmas we went to my parents'. My in-laws turned up (not to stay but had booked accommodation in the same city my parents live in). They flew from overseas to do it. Scuppered all our Christmas plans as I had arranged to see friends and family but obviously couldn't keep the baby from them.

Exactly this. It's clear even from the booking logistics that this wasn't an 'off the cuff' decision: it's been planned and arranged without OP's knowledge, with DH clearly in on the picture. As for the in-laws, I'd question their 'niceness' as this isn't consistent with a CF action like this. It's been sewn up and presented as a done deal, with no discussion and no negotiation. I find that breathtakingly manipulate behaviour.

If this kind of underhandedness isn't shut down quick smart, OP, then this will be the pattern of your future life. It will also very likely escalate. 'What's done is done, so I have to suck it up now' simply is not good enough. I'd be giving DH a clear choice: either you go on holiday with your parents or you go with me. No other options available.

He's made the mess so he can be responsible for any rebooking and reorganisation. If, however, he does decide to go with his parents and not you - and that's the risk you take - you have a very much bigger problem in your marriage. In my view, if that were the case, it would be as well to know.

What a thoroughgoing, outsized, audacious dick move. It should on no account be encouraged.

Really? So the OP is not allowed to not want to go on holiday with her in-laws, without having a say in the matter, in case she (or actually her husband) might inherit one day?

These responses really annoy me - so potential future inheritance just cancels out any right to having a say about how your own leisure time is spent? What if she did just go along with all holiday intrusions, but then all potential inheritance is swallowed up by care costs?

Ridiculous response - she's not saying she was entirely opposed to the notion of holidaying with her in-laws - if you read the thread properly, it's the fact that they have booked it without even discussing it first!!!

Big sympathy - my PIL once turned up on a weekend away we'd booked for the end of my DH's paternity leave, which had been cut short due to a longer than expected hospital stay. After that we now don't even tell them we're going away most of the time!

In this situation I would try to get DH onboard and say something to the effect of: "your parents are great but I think it's really important we have this time together - can we look at spending some other time with them?"

Once he's onboard you then need to tell them effectively the same thing. No point in changing dates without telling them as when it comes out later it will be a much more difficult conversation (and they might simply change their dates again to match!). Also if they've only just booked it's more likely that they're still within the cancellation/change window.

The rudeness was established by the PiLs, it’s not rude to change plans back to what they originally were. It’s also incredibly rude and possibly laughable that in laws have and will take this opportunity to be used as childcare - though if the op does go down the passive aggressive route, contacting her PiLs to say ‘wonderful you’re joining us, will be so lovely to get out and about with husband by ourselves, have dinner in peace, etc. Here’s the closest supermarket so you can get snacks and food in for the kids, really appreciate you being great grandparents wanting to spend so much time with the kids!’. I’d bet they’d cancel within 10 minutes of getting the message…

@zara8775 how long are you going for? If it’s 2 weeks I would try and push yours back a week then you have a week crossover and then you don’t have to feel the dread of them arriving or do similar where you have a few days crossover but will also depend what flights you can get as well

it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he’d agreed to this behind my back to avoid a confrontation. He’s always so keen to keep the peace with them, even if it means throwing me under the bus.

This is a really important observation.

It is very selfish behaviour of your OH.

He is minimising his own discomfort - he is not considering or prioritsing you.

You need to have a really straighforward conversation with him that he needs tobe assertive with his parents and the you and your DCs are ALWAYS the priority and your decide together.

Know that they didnt ask because they knowyou would have said "No" - but they like their son have bulldozed on anyway. Push right back.