PIL have booked our holiday

[zara8775]

So, I’m not sure if I’m being oversensitive here, but this has really annoyed me. My husband and I went on a lovely holiday last year with our two kids – first proper break since having them – to a small, quiet resort in Greece. We loved it so much we’ve already booked to go again this summer. We’d mentioned this to his parents in passing, as you do, but didn’t go into loads of detail.

Fast forward to last weekend, MIL calls to say they’ve also booked a trip… to the exact same resort. Same dates, same hotel. Apparently, they thought it sounded lovely, so they decided to “tag along.” I honestly don’t know how to feel.

It’s not like we dislike them or anything, but part of what we loved about this place was how peaceful it was – no obligations, no one else to consider. Now I feel like our relaxing family holiday is turning into a big extended-family trip we didn’t ask for. DH thinks it’s “nice” they want to come and says it’ll be “fine,” but I’m fuming. I just feel like they’ve trampled over our plans and didn’t even ask us first.

AIBU to think they should’ve at least checked with us before booking? Or am I overreacting? I need to know if I’m being petty before I make this into A Thing…

He’s definitely been involved, particularly if PIL are booked on the same exact dates and same flights.

You’re absolutely right, and honestly, reading your reply has given me a bit of a wake-up call. I think I have been too accepting because I didn’t want to rock the boat, but the more I think about it, the angrier I feel. This isn’t the holiday we planned, and I shouldn’t just roll over and let it happen because it’s easier in the short term.

I don’t want to set the precedent that this is okay, because you’re right – if I do, what’s stopping them from doing it again? I need to sit DH down and tell him straight that this isn’t on, and it’s not the holiday I agreed to. If he’s so sure it’s “not a big deal,” then he can help decide whether we cancel or change the dates. Either way, I’m not just going to let this slide – it’s not fair, and it’s not what I want for our holiday. Thanks for giving me the push I needed!

Talk to them with DH and say that while you love spending time with them, this is your one week of the year where you wanted to just go and be together just the 4 of you and you wish they had asked before booking anything. Then you can say that you’re looking into moving your dates.. they may well cancel or move theirs.

You sound as though you are saying that there is an unwritten contract that DILs sign up to on marriage where they agree to accept without complaint anything that their PILs say and do if they don't want their PILs to cut off their own son from inheriting after their death?

And the only way to say no to any requests or expectations from PILs is for their DIL to tell them that she really doesn't like them and is relinquishing any future inheritance on behalf of her DH?

What absolutely weird views you have!

Not necessary at all.

They didn't talk to the OP when they piggy-backed on to her family holiday did they?

Just let them find out the old fashioned way - when they get to the location!

Very happy to hear it. Please do update us on DH and PIL’s responses.

I might be a door mat but I think I'd let it slide for the sake of family harmony. But make sure you aren't glued at thd hip, and make sure DH knows that.

And id be telling him never to discuss your holiday plans with in-laws ever.

I feel for you! My PIL did the same thing and I was absolutely livid. It’s just such a bizarre, selfish thing to do. We cancelled our holiday in the end and I’m glad we did. We didn’t want them to think it was ok or for them to do it again.

@zara8775 I would seriously be expressing my anger to the out laws!! ask them exactly how they knew the dates you had booked.

One option might be to shift the weeks so you have a weeks crossover and then the final week to yourselves?!

This has completely changed the dynamics of your own family holiday and in your position I would be seriously pissed off! what does your OH think of this?

I would be inclined to carry on with what you would normally do with your children...beach - walking - excursions etc and not feel obliged to wait around for them.

Well you do go along with it, no? So his assumption is correct.

To have boundaries you actually need to communicate and enforce them. By letting him get away with it and now saying you will teach them a lesson by giving them the kids for a day you’ve already given in.

If you have a bad conscience read this article, it has very good points about boundaries: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/16/well/mind/critical-mom-advice.html

@zara8775 let us know what pil do about this problem they have created and what you decide to do about it!

I don’t want to set the precedent that this is okay, because you’re right – if I do, what’s stopping them from doing it again?

I whole heartedly agree with other posters, if he knows you would have said no if asked, but knows if done behind your back* *you will kick off a bit, but eventually back down and accept it to keep the peace.. then he has 100% been part of this.. maybe not intentionally, but because they've suggested it and he doesn't want to say no to them.

I would be furious if my parents did this to me so it's suspicious that DH is trying to sweep it under the rug.

I love my in laws but I would rather lose all my money then accept being manipulated in this way, it is awful railroading behaviour and you do need to make a point of not accepting it if you don't want it to happen again.

I'd be cancelling that. How rude of your pils.

Look into moving the dates. My parents accidentally did this with my brother's family. The dates were moved so they only had 1 day together on the holiday

Oh my goodness I was infuriated when I read that you were just rolling over and accepting this!!

So glad you've had a wake-up call and found your anger!

You have a DH problem, clearly. There's no way I would let this go without saying something to both DH & PILs.

Because you do have a good relationship with them, I'd not go NUTS, but I'd very firmly tell them: "Sally, you caught me off guard yesterday on the phone regarding booking the same holiday as ours. I feel really disrespected that you didn't ask first if you could tag along on our holiday. It's not ok to do that without a conversation with the BOTH of us. On that basis, I think it's best for you to change your plans, please get this arranged today, and let me know when it's done. And please do not ever do this again to us without having the decency to discuss it with us first."

If she bangs on about DH said it was ok, you tell her that she gave him no opportunity to speak with you first.

I'd read DH the riot act to be honest, he sounds like he has no backbone and respectfully, you've enabled this over the years due to your doormat acceptance.

Find your inner GRRRRR and end this DH behaviour.

But wouldn't you expect to discuss it with them, rather than being presented with their travel plans ?

There was a thread recently where the in laws joined a family Xmas at a hotel uninvited. The OP was not happy, and rightly so.

We had friends do this so we changed our holiday.I think they were miffed but tough.

Got me wrong again - I was talking about basic human decency, that is all. Which precludes from 'take-take-take' and give fuck all - that is all. How many (realistically) holidays will these elderly people be able to go on with their dil together? This is likely the last one, considering everything - age, health, world affairs, etc. If the OP was saying - same shite every year, every year they rock up at our destination, and spoil it. No - this is one sodding holiday so far, no?
So I was talking about basic human decency.

No I'd think it was a lovely surprise but I realise I am very much in the minority!

As you're fuming and have no desire to have your holiday trampled on, if it is still possible to do so, do change the dates.

If you take the easy option and just give in the holiday will definitely be somewhat spoiled for you by your quite normal and understandable resentment at having your plans changed behind your back without your permission.

Being trampled on is a horrible feeling, so don't allow people to do that to you. You can always say there was a mix up and you had the wrong dates marked down, oops sorry, never mind.

If your husband had nothing to do with this he'll be fine with that.

If your DH knew about their sneaking around, he's a weak and stupid man who is risking marital stability and happiness to appease his interfering parents.

If this out to be the case I would insist he attends marital counselling so he is made to understand the severity of him sneaking around coddling his parents and not putting his wife and kids first.

Don't be fooled, this is no small thing, it is a symptom of a major problem, at the minimum it shows an incredible amount of self entitlement and low empathy for you, and will only get worse if he is allowed to get away with it.

He clearly doesn't mind upsetting, disappointing or causing confrontation with you, so he's choosing you to upset you rather than his parents.

And if he denies sneaking around behind your back, the next time you are going on holiday make it abundantly clear to him that his parents aren't invited.

If it's too late to fix their interference by changing the dates, make sure you do whatever you want at any time you want, without involving them in any of your plans, unless it suits you to do do so.

OP, you’re being way too accepting of this.

There are 2 options of what’s happened - either they have genuinely booked without you consenting to share your holiday with them. This is truly unhinged of them if so. Or they asked your DH and he said yes, and is now panicking that you aren’t keen.

Either way you should DEFINITELY change the dates and suck up the cost. Because it either teaches them a lesson or him a lesson!

Who has said they're actually elderly? And either way, she gets a choice in her own holiday and this has been taken away from her in an underhand manner.