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Original poster

Ds doesn't refer to his baby brother by his name

120 replies

healthierdiet · 27/01/2025 09:45

I have an older son from a previous marriage who's in his early twenties now, I did have him quite young and split from his dad when he was small but I remarried and my husband has always brought him up as his own.
We have a daughter (7) together who ds gets along great with and have a one year old son together but ds refers to him as the baby or the little one, the other one or him but I've noticed he really struggles to call him by his name and never has.

He hasn't shown any interest in him ever and didn't want to hold him or meet him when he was a baby when offered, ask anything about him like his name or anything or even reply when we let him know he was born, when he visited he would say things like "your baby is crying" and when baby looked around at him he said what's he staring at?
I realise it must be strange for him with such an age gap but is it normal to be so hostile to a baby?
He wasn't at all like this when dd was born and regularly takes her out and they are very close so
I thought I'd give it time and see how he is but it's been a year and he is still acting the same.
Our relationship hasn't changed we still chat regularly and visit.
I don't know if it's jealousy or something else but it's so strange and I feel sorry for Ds who doesn't understand and wonder if ds1 feels replaced.

OP posts:
LauritaEvita · 27/01/2025 10:01

Is there a story behind the name? As in, is it your partner’s name and your son dislikes your partner or something? Or even something like a difficult name to pronounce so he’s avoiding it? My friend can’t say names starting with H for example, due to a speech impediment.

Reuseliquid · 27/01/2025 10:03

Is it possible that as the baby is a boy, he feels like he's been replaced, some kind of (possibly) misguided jealousy? As he is fond of his sister that's the only thing I can think.

Original poster
healthierdiet · 27/01/2025 10:04

It's a classic timeless name with no meaning behind it. It's not the name it's that he seems to dehumanise him by saying him or the baby as if he's not relevant.

OP posts:
RedSkyDelights · 27/01/2025 10:06

Is this not just a case of an early 20s man not being that interested in a baby? Even if they are a sibling.

It's a different situation to his sister as presumably he was a teen when she was born so they lived in the same house and had more of an actual sibling relationship.

Arlanymor · 27/01/2025 10:07

He grew up in the same house as your dd I imagine? So they had time and opportunity to forge a sibling relationship - also being that much younger at the time it would have been more of a novelty to have a baby in the house and also she was his first experience of being a sibling. But given he now lives away and has his own life I don’t think it’s that unusual that he hasn’t bonded in the same way. Also, with the best will in the world, babies are often not all that interesting to all people - you might find things change in the future as your second son grows and develops a personality. I’m not sure I understand the whole name thing, as I don’t think it necessarily means he doesn’t care, they just don’t currently have all that much of a relationship.

Redglitter · 27/01/2025 10:12

Have you asked him why he does it?

Vermerling · 27/01/2025 10:13

RedSkyDelights · 27/01/2025 10:06

Is this not just a case of an early 20s man not being that interested in a baby? Even if they are a sibling.

It's a different situation to his sister as presumably he was a teen when she was born so they lived in the same house and had more of an actual sibling relationship.

This. Seems fairly obvious to me..?

MotherOfCats25 · 27/01/2025 10:13

He has no bond to his brother, I'd imagine

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 10:13

He’s probably a little jealous to see a boy having the family unit he didn’t have.

Didimum · 27/01/2025 10:15

So your son was a young teen when your DD was born, and you all were living together full time? If so, that's a different set up, so I don't think it's terribly relevant.

I'm not sure if it seems like your son is being 'hostile' as much as he seems just indifferent. Personally I think it must feel very strange as an adult to experience your mum having a baby, and I doubt the baby will feel anything at all like a sibling.

He's likely just really not into babies – many people aren't. And I also think a lot of people call babies 'the baby'. As long has he's not being actively cruel to the baby, I'd just leave things as they are.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/01/2025 10:17

He doesn’t live in the same house as the baby and there’s an enormous age gap - it probably doesn’t feel much like having a sibling as opposed to his mum having another baby with her partner. When DD was born he was presumably still a teenager and living at home so had some level of daily connection.

I’ve not known many young men be particularly interested in babies, and he’s not likely to develop an emotional connection to this one any more than he would a friend’s baby he saw occasionally. Sure, it would be nice for you all if he did, but you can’t just turn on feelings or interest you don’t have.

BilboBlaggin · 27/01/2025 10:18

Well firstly I'd speak to him about it and see what he has to say.

However, as pp have said, it was different with his sister. He was a young teen and grew up in the same house with each other and will have bonded more.

A lot of young people who have reached adulthood are horrified at the thought of their parents still being sexually active, and maybe he just associated the pregnancy with you and DH having a sex life. Maybe babies to him at his age are horrible little messy, noisy things and he doesn't have an interest in bonding with his half brother.

A calm chat is definitely the best thing to start with.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/01/2025 10:18

I would imagine that childless men in their early twenties have very limited interest in babies and small children. It's not like he's calling him something horrible! It sounds like you're overthinking it. People are allowed to be indifferent to or disinterested in your baby. It doesn't mean they're committing some terrible unforgivable crime.

KevinAndTracy · 27/01/2025 10:19

Does your older DS still live in the family home?

I don't think it's that unexpected that someone in their early 20s isn't hugely interested in a baby sibling. I would have had zero interest at that age.

Nothatgingerpirate · 27/01/2025 10:21

Child free woman here.
Your twenty something year old son lives separately, earns his own way?
I see no problem with his choices.

timetobegin · 27/01/2025 10:24

Just talk to him.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 27/01/2025 10:24

Ask him. Tell him you've noticed these things and want to make sure he's OK and if he wants to talk you are there to listen.

Most likely though is that he's a guy in his 20s who doesn't give a shit about a baby.

He ought to pretend though because that's the polite thing to do

Cardinalita90 · 27/01/2025 10:31

I agree with other posters that there's probably just too big of an age gap for him to be bonded to the baby. But I think he's being rude by not ever using his name. I think as other posters say you need to speak to him and find out what's driving it.

Jc2001 · 27/01/2025 10:40

Nothatgingerpirate · 27/01/2025 10:21

Child free woman here.
Your twenty something year old son lives separately, earns his own way?
I see no problem with his choices.

Noone is questioning his life choices.

Lettucepray1 · 27/01/2025 10:40

He’s probably jealous because your baby is a boy and he’s seeing you nurture and love him and devote your time to him, just as you used to do for him. Yes he’s an adult, but we are all little children inside when it comes to our relationship with our parents. I think young adults often feel a sort of grief for childhood, too.
With his sister it was different, firstly because she is a girl, but also because DS1 was still a child himself when she was born and was still being ‘mothered’ by you. This baby son has arrived and attached to you just as DS1 is ‘detaching’ if that makes sense?

I would address this as you might address sibling rivalry at a younger age:

  1. Treat DS1 a bit special. Subtly show that he is still your boy and no baby will ever change that. Little things like wrapping up the remaining cake when he comes over and insist he take it home with him. Suggest you do something together. Extra hugs. I dunno, whatever makes sense for your relationship. Just turn back the clock a few years and give him some extra parental attention.

2.Be careful not to ‘drop’ him in favour of the baby. “DH, I’m on the phone to adultDS and babyDS needs changing, could you see to it? Thanks”

3.Give them plenty of opportunities to be together, leave them in the room together while you get on with a task etc, and comment on how lucky babyDS is to have adultbrother to look up to, etc.

CatsorDogsrule · 27/01/2025 10:42

I mostly called my own child "baby" or "the baby" for a long time, possibly at least a year. I think it just took me a long time to get my head around using the name, and it was clear who I was talking about. It was my third child and was loved just as much as the others.

LadyKenya · 27/01/2025 10:42

The act of refusing to call him by his name, would be of some concern imo. He is obviously not enthused by the fact that his Mother has had another baby.

spacepies · 27/01/2025 10:46

My mum had my brother when i was 16 at that time i was moving out.
I had no bond with him at all and i wasn't interested in a baby.
Wasn't his fault but i just didn't want to know im not close to him either.
Not all siblings get on or will get on or have a bond.
Im one of 5 and i only talk to 1 because i dont click or care for the rest i dont hate them they just aren't important to me.
The one i talk to is the same we get on like twins but have no feelings for the rest.
You can pick friends but you cant pick family.

custardpyjamas · 27/01/2025 10:46

I would guess he feels you rejected him (your baby boy) and now you have lots of love for the new baby boy and he finds the situation really difficult. Can you talk to him?

ThatFluentTiger · 27/01/2025 10:46

It may be bringing up difficult feelings for your son, he may feel sad and jealous that your new boy will have things he didn’t. You need to speak to him.