Ds doesn't refer to his baby brother by his name

[healthierdiet]

I have an older son from a previous marriage who's in his early twenties now, I did have him quite young and split from his dad when he was small but I remarried and my husband has always brought him up as his own.
We have a daughter (7) together who ds gets along great with and have a one year old son together but ds refers to him as the baby or the little one, the other one or him but I've noticed he really struggles to call him by his name and never has.

He hasn't shown any interest in him ever and didn't want to hold him or meet him when he was a baby when offered, ask anything about him like his name or anything or even reply when we let him know he was born, when he visited he would say things like "your baby is crying" and when baby looked around at him he said what's he staring at?
I realise it must be strange for him with such an age gap but is it normal to be so hostile to a baby?
He wasn't at all like this when dd was born and regularly takes her out and they are very close so
I thought I'd give it time and see how he is but it's been a year and he is still acting the same.
Our relationship hasn't changed we still chat regularly and visit.
I don't know if it's jealousy or something else but it's so strange and I feel sorry for Ds who doesn't understand and wonder if ds1 feels replaced.

I can't see what there is for him to like about this baby. At best he's ambivalent to it - it's of no interest to him as a young man with his own life. It's annoying and gets in the way of the limited time he does have with you.

At worst, it's replaced him as the son in the family. The man who 'raised him as his own' now has a son that's ACTUALLY his own and you have the perfect son and daughter replacement family, with him as something of an outsider.

The truth is probably somewhere between the two.

I bet it's this. I'd probably feel like that in his place.

Babies are boring. A 1 year old wont have anything in common with a 21 year old. I'd leave it. When the little one gets more interesting hopefully your older son will engage more. It's probably a bit weird for him to have a brother that could be his son.

Young man in twenties not very interested in a baby. Entirely normal. Your expectations are far too high.

I agree with this. Hard though it may be because you'll feel protective of your little baby, try not to take it personally or you could damage your relationship with your older son.

TBH, before they've got a bit older and have some proper personality, I think I probably call most babies, including my own, the little one, or the baby. Not sure why, it's not for lack of care, it's just that they're pretty undifferentiated in a lot of ways at that point...

Once the little one's toddling around and speaking I expect it will change - and if it doesn't then, it's definitely a bit weird.

It would be rare for a twenty odd year old bloke to be interested in a baby. You are overthinking this.

Is your infant son called Neil?

He’s in his 20s and he now has a half brother. Presumably he doesn’t even live with you, their lives are not entwined like it feels like they are to you. Baby is a tiny stranger to your older son, and you can’t force it. Nothing to do with jealousy or replacement unless there’s some history which you haven’t mentioned. Babies are also pretty boring to anyone other than their parents. When baby gets more fun, older son might be more interested.

Me and my fiancé call our 3 month old ‘the baby’ 😂 honestly I don’t even know why, it’s always “the baby’s crying” or “hows the baby”. We both love her and her name so I don’t know why we do this. I did it with my Son until he was 2 as well!

My neighbours were still calling their youngest 'the baby' until he was nearly 2.

@Klozza ,are you my neighbour?

I have a friend who has a sibling with a significant age gap - she says the relationship with them is very different to her other sibling and they feel more like a niece or nephew rather than a siblings.

Also take into account teens and younger 20s are quite self absorbed years for many young adults.

I would gently encourage, but otherwise let their relationship develop naturally, even if that means it is not a particularly close one now (or even ever). It is not something you can influence much.

Looks like your ds understands 'blended' families more than you do.

He is in his 20s so it must feel odd having a brother that is a baby.

An age gap that big is going to cause issues and he probably doesn’t really see this baby as his brother.

Make sure you’re still making time for your eldest and that you don’t spend the whole time talking about your baby.

I understand the fact your son probably grew up in the same house as his sister as he'd have been a teenager, when she was born. He's developed a bond with his sister. Living separately from his little year old brother, a huge age gap and not really developing much of a bond, I understand that too. However, calling his brother 'the baby', 'him' etc, is making the little boy less important and it is dehumanising him. To me, that's odd behaviour. Of course not everyone is enthusiastic over babies, and they can be indifferent. Even if you weren't a fan of babies, would you go to your friend's house and refer to their child as 'baby' or 'him', rather than using the child's name?! No, of course you wouldn't because it would come across, at the very least, as being rude. This isn't a friend's baby, this is his half-brother!! I'd expect him to use the little boy's name, even if he didn't engage with him. You need to have a conversation with your son, a gentle, calm one, that's non-accusing, and see if there's an underlying issue. You can't force your son to bond with his brother, but he needs to be polite, kind and use his name.

I would not worry about this at all. It will pass.

I'm going to go against the grain here... he's not an angst-ridden teenager, he's a grown man in his 20s and he's being rude. I wouldn't be too bothered about the not wanting to hold him etc but the comment "what is he staring at?" is rude and antagonistic, and I'd have said that. I would also respond every time to "the baby is doing X" with "his name is Oliver" or "you mean Oliver?" etc. If he still persisted, I'd be tempted to flip it and spend an afternoon calling him "the lad" to make a point but I'm petty 🤣

I also want to pick up on the point you made about your one year old not understanding though. I don't know if you do, but please don't play up the relationship to the one year old - i.e. "Matt's coming to see you! Oh look, it's your big brother! Do you want to say hello to Matt?" etc. It will likely just set him up for disappointment by the looks of things.

He a generation apart from a half-sibling that he doesn’t live with. It’s a shame for you but I don’t think it’s that surprising that he’s not interested.

Absolutely agree with the others who have said it’s just because he’s a 20 something male, and babies are of no interest to him whatsoever. My DP was in his mid 40s when we had our first child together, and until then he had held a baby less than a handful of times. I questioned why, because he is pretty close to his siblings, who both have kids and he just said, he was in his 20s when they were babies, and he wasn’t arsed, too busy working hard and playing hard to be bothered with them.

I think few single men are that "into" babies, and young blokes under 25 especially not.

Your youngest will probably become more of a person to his older brother as he gets older.

For a grown man it must be a bit weird that his mother has just had another child.

Have you tried asking DS why he doesn't interact much with his little brother?

I was 22 when my sister was born. It's weird and I'll be honest, they don't really feel like a sibling.
She's 20 now and we have a nice relationship but I'd say we're more like cousins or auntie/niece. We've never lived together and the age difference means we don't have any shared childhood memories unlike me and my brother.

As long as he's not being mean or vindictive I'm not sure what you can do?

I agree with pretty much everyone else. They are brothers in name only. The baby is just the baby to him. There isn't any relationship or connection there.

But also some people feel uncomfortable when using someone's name unless they know them well.

My half sibling was born when I was 18 and I don’t really have anything to do with her, no ill feelings or anything I just don’t really see her as part of my family (nc with her parent that makes us related), thankfully she has a lovely family of her own. I think it’s personal choice to what degree you want to interact with a new half sibling, especially when you’re an adult, I don’t really blame him for not being into it.