Ds doesn't refer to his baby brother by his name

[healthierdiet]

I have an older son from a previous marriage who's in his early twenties now, I did have him quite young and split from his dad when he was small but I remarried and my husband has always brought him up as his own.
We have a daughter (7) together who ds gets along great with and have a one year old son together but ds refers to him as the baby or the little one, the other one or him but I've noticed he really struggles to call him by his name and never has.

He hasn't shown any interest in him ever and didn't want to hold him or meet him when he was a baby when offered, ask anything about him like his name or anything or even reply when we let him know he was born, when he visited he would say things like "your baby is crying" and when baby looked around at him he said what's he staring at?
I realise it must be strange for him with such an age gap but is it normal to be so hostile to a baby?
He wasn't at all like this when dd was born and regularly takes her out and they are very close so
I thought I'd give it time and see how he is but it's been a year and he is still acting the same.
Our relationship hasn't changed we still chat regularly and visit.
I don't know if it's jealousy or something else but it's so strange and I feel sorry for Ds who doesn't understand and wonder if ds1 feels replaced.

@Jaybee33 , are any of your half-siblings 20+ years younger than you?

I think @MinnieBalloon was seeing it from the DS1 POV, and her reply wasn't horrible.

Yes. I am 33 and I have two full siblings in their thirties and two half siblings who are 14 and 12. HTH.

Edit: because clearly I can't read LOL

I mean, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that there's a possibility he just feels completely left out. There's you and his stepdad, and the family you've started there which now includes a 7 year old and a baby. And there's him, moved out and not part of that family unit.

On top of that, he probably just isn't remotely interested in babies so there's not even a general interest in babies to pull him in.

I think this is just one of those things really. You've made choices and this is the (very foreseeable) situation you're left with. It's a shame but I'm not sure what you're hoping for at this stage. You can't make him feel a bond with his half sibling if he doesn't.

@Jaybee33 , well, that's you, but it might not be @healthierdiet 's DS1.

I’d take from this that he just finds babies a bit dull. Hopefully as his half brother gets older he maybe more engaged but he is also at a different stage of life now than when his sister was born.

Do you ever get a chance to just spend time with your older son? Maybe doing something fun just the two of you could elicit an idea?

Yes it was horrible. Many replies on here have managed to make the same point in a much more tactful way.

Fed up of posters on here being all disingenuous when they know full well what they're saying is mean.

Babies are not inherently very interesting to people other than their parents. Sorry, but it's a fact.

It isn’t mean to state a fact, that a half sibling is not the same as a full sibling, and a bond can’t be assumed. Some half siblings bond as though they were full siblings and that’s great, but it isn’t obligatory. DS1 needs to be allowed to form the relationship he wants with the baby, which may be none at all.

If you want to pretend that the way she phrased it wasn't mean, and deliberately so, you do that.

He's 20, not two! And likely not just interested in a baby

Harsh but fair

Counselling because he's disinterested in the baby?!

1, he's twenty babies are not interesting to him
2, he doesn't live with the baby so he hasn't bonded
3, he's jealous the baby is a boy

I'd ask him why he behave that way

I doubt he's 'jealous'. Perhaps he feels displaced though. Whether he does or doesn't, the fact remains that babies are simply not interesting to many people. Especially not young men.

The baby is also a stark reminder that (shock, horror) his mother has sex. Yes, of course that is how he came into existence himself but it can still give the ick. Especially as his understanding of 'the deed' will be much more advanced than it was when his little sister was born.

Perhaps he is worried he'll be called on for babysitting duties?

Why not just talk to your older son and ask what the problem is?

All true as pp have said that he's a young man out in the world not living at home any more, and may not be greatly interested in a new baby in the family. But I agree with you that not buying the baby a Christmas present and claiming not to know when his birthday is (even though presumably it had been mentioned before, since your older son was there on the day), is quite extreme, and maybe closer to hostility than indifference. If you can get your him on his own at some relaxed moment and open a conversation with something fairly neutral such 'It must be strange having a brother so much younger than you...' you may be able to build some bridges.

I don’t think a 20 yr old man would think of buying a birthday present or Christmas present for a baby, any more than they would the family dog. It’s just not on his radar.

I do think there is something about him feeling displaced, because let’s face it, he has been.

The OP is on a hiding to nothing trying to force a relationship if her DS1 doesn’t want to engage. She’ll end up making the situation worse.

Ok so OP has clarified that son in his early 20s isn't hostile. Just disinterested.

I think it's very unlikely the man is jealous. Just literally not interested. And not particularly paternal at this stage.

No idea why people are suggesting he needs counselling and is jealous and having some sort of problem.

Agree. Counselling? 😂