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Original poster

Ds doesn't refer to his baby brother by his name

120 replies

healthierdiet · 27/01/2025 09:45

I have an older son from a previous marriage who's in his early twenties now, I did have him quite young and split from his dad when he was small but I remarried and my husband has always brought him up as his own.
We have a daughter (7) together who ds gets along great with and have a one year old son together but ds refers to him as the baby or the little one, the other one or him but I've noticed he really struggles to call him by his name and never has.

He hasn't shown any interest in him ever and didn't want to hold him or meet him when he was a baby when offered, ask anything about him like his name or anything or even reply when we let him know he was born, when he visited he would say things like "your baby is crying" and when baby looked around at him he said what's he staring at?
I realise it must be strange for him with such an age gap but is it normal to be so hostile to a baby?
He wasn't at all like this when dd was born and regularly takes her out and they are very close so
I thought I'd give it time and see how he is but it's been a year and he is still acting the same.
Our relationship hasn't changed we still chat regularly and visit.
I don't know if it's jealousy or something else but it's so strange and I feel sorry for Ds who doesn't understand and wonder if ds1 feels replaced.

OP posts:
LandSharksAnonymous · 27/01/2025 13:00

healthierdiet · 27/01/2025 12:54

I suppose disinterested but quite obviously, when I asked if he'd like a cuddle when he was born he bluntly replied no I'm alright and although this was only his first Christmas he didn't include him in any gifts and on his birthday he asked who's birthday it was as though he wouldn't know. I get a feeling he just doesn't feel like he's anything to do with him.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t buy a baby a Christmas present! I’d buy something nice for mum and dad instead.

And I don’t fancy cuddling other people’s newborns…puppies are a hell yeah, babies are a hell no.

TBH, he doesn’t feel like the baby is anything
to do with him as the baby isn’t. It’s a half sibling he doesn’t live with and is, what, 18/20 years older than?

How old is the baby now?

Crocsake · 27/01/2025 13:06

@healthierdiet how come you're avoiding people asking if you have actually spoken to your son about it? People here can come up with suggestions, but it's pretty obvious only he could tell you how he feels. So, have you actually discussed it with him?

Petitepetite · 27/01/2025 13:07

A 20+ age gap between siblings is huge. That's an age gap between parent and child. Your eldest son will never have a sibling relationship like he has with his sister. He might show interest once your youngest son is older, but right now he feels pushed out of the family.

HollyKnight · 27/01/2025 13:07

I get a feeling he just doesn't feel like he's anything to do with him.

That's because the baby isn't anything to do with him. The baby is your baby.

MargaretThursday · 27/01/2025 13:09

Lettucepray1 · 27/01/2025 10:40

He’s probably jealous because your baby is a boy and he’s seeing you nurture and love him and devote your time to him, just as you used to do for him. Yes he’s an adult, but we are all little children inside when it comes to our relationship with our parents. I think young adults often feel a sort of grief for childhood, too.
With his sister it was different, firstly because she is a girl, but also because DS1 was still a child himself when she was born and was still being ‘mothered’ by you. This baby son has arrived and attached to you just as DS1 is ‘detaching’ if that makes sense?

I would address this as you might address sibling rivalry at a younger age:

  1. Treat DS1 a bit special. Subtly show that he is still your boy and no baby will ever change that. Little things like wrapping up the remaining cake when he comes over and insist he take it home with him. Suggest you do something together. Extra hugs. I dunno, whatever makes sense for your relationship. Just turn back the clock a few years and give him some extra parental attention.

2.Be careful not to ‘drop’ him in favour of the baby. “DH, I’m on the phone to adultDS and babyDS needs changing, could you see to it? Thanks”

3.Give them plenty of opportunities to be together, leave them in the room together while you get on with a task etc, and comment on how lucky babyDS is to have adultbrother to look up to, etc.

1&2 fine, but not 3.

I think my ds, late teens would cringe himself inside out if I said that sort of thing. You say it to a 3yo not to a 24yo.
And no to making sure they have time alone together. If he is struggling with him, then I'd say that's the worst thing to do. He's likely to avoid coming over at all.

Maybe he sees Baby as affectionate nickname. I called ds Baby B short for Baby Boy, and occasionally still do. 😁 Not in front of his mates I'll add

BreatheAndFocus · 27/01/2025 13:09

healthierdiet · 27/01/2025 12:54

I suppose disinterested but quite obviously, when I asked if he'd like a cuddle when he was born he bluntly replied no I'm alright and although this was only his first Christmas he didn't include him in any gifts and on his birthday he asked who's birthday it was as though he wouldn't know. I get a feeling he just doesn't feel like he's anything to do with him.

Show quote history

That’s really horrible of him. It sounds like jealousy to me, and he’s purposely not saying his name and questioning whose birthday it is because he’s acting like a spoilt child and is too immature to talk to you rather than make these pathetic passive aggressive gestures.

Hopefully his sister has noticed and she’ll say something to him to shame him.

Rubes24 · 27/01/2025 13:16

Is it maybe just that he is a young man who isn't really very interested in babies full stop? It dosent sound like he dislikes the baby or is being cruel to the baby. His DS is much younger he did actually grow up with her/ lived with her so its a little different.

I think hostile is maybe a bit of a dramatic descriptor, and your baby will not pick up on any of this nuance. I would probably leave it and I imagine when your little one is older your DS will be more interested in engaging with him! X

JLou08 · 27/01/2025 13:17

I had a half sibling born when I was an adult. I had the tact to treat her well and make her feel included but it doesn't feel like a sibling relationship. I think you need to speak to him about how he could effect the baby with his dismissive attitude and ask him to make more effort. A childless man in his 20s probably doesn't even consider that a young child could be affected by his lack of interest.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2025 13:17

HollyKnight · 27/01/2025 13:07

I get a feeling he just doesn't feel like he's anything to do with him.

That's because the baby isn't anything to do with him. The baby is your baby.

@HollyKnight

now that’s not strictly true , is it? The baby is his half brother. This isn’t some random baby OP has fetched in off the streets.

oakleaffy · 27/01/2025 13:22

BreatheAndFocus · 27/01/2025 13:09

That’s really horrible of him. It sounds like jealousy to me, and he’s purposely not saying his name and questioning whose birthday it is because he’s acting like a spoilt child and is too immature to talk to you rather than make these pathetic passive aggressive gestures.

Hopefully his sister has noticed and she’ll say something to him to shame him.

Show quote history

Sibling age gaps like this {especially half siblings} are rarely met with delight by older children.

biscuitsandbooks · 27/01/2025 13:23

20 years is a massive age gap - I'm not surprised he's not interested.

I also have to say that if I'd found out my mum was having another baby when I was in my twenties I'd feel a bit like she had a whole new family and wasn't particularly bothered about me anymore.

HollyKnight · 27/01/2025 13:24

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2025 13:17

@HollyKnight

now that’s not strictly true , is it? The baby is his half brother. This isn’t some random baby OP has fetched in off the streets.

Show quote history

In name only though. It doesn't mean there will be a relationship there. Age matters. In this case, the baby (probably) just feels like his mother's child rather than a brother.

oakleaffy · 27/01/2025 13:28

healthierdiet · 27/01/2025 10:04

It's a classic timeless name with no meaning behind it. It's not the name it's that he seems to dehumanise him by saying him or the baby as if he's not relevant.

I have heard older siblings refer to a new baby as ''It'' or ''him'' or 'her' or so most likely is jealousy, as in a feeling of dismissing the usurper {as he sees it}

Such a huge age gap probably is a lot to get his head around, too.

HollyKnight · 27/01/2025 13:28

In the same way a father can be a father in name only. If your father isn't around when you're growing up, he's not really going to feel like your father even though technically he is.

Choccyscofffy · 27/01/2025 13:30

You need to let DS manage this at his own pace. The relationship he has now with his baby brother may be different to the one he has with him in a few years time.

Whatever you do don’t show anger or sadness to DS.

Unfortunately you can’t just take for granted that DS will be a loving and involved adult in your baby’s life.

Does DS live at home?

Acc0untant · 27/01/2025 13:30

RedSkyDelights · 27/01/2025 10:06

Is this not just a case of an early 20s man not being that interested in a baby? Even if they are a sibling.

It's a different situation to his sister as presumably he was a teen when she was born so they lived in the same house and had more of an actual sibling relationship.

Probably this.

I have 4 siblings: 1 close to my age and 3 half siblings. Haven't lived with any of the younger 3 and see them as more like extended family than siblings because we didn't grow up together.

Notgivenuphope · 27/01/2025 13:41

Yes, he is an adult, but he is navigating adulthood and is very young still. His support system that kept him safe throughout childhood keeps on having babies and playing happy families. He most probably feels a bit at sea and apart from it all, especially as he will hardly be growing up and living alongside this 'sibling'. a 20 year age gap? I doubt they will have much of a relationship at all, or if they do it will be more like uncle/nephew.

Boope · 27/01/2025 13:43

HardenYourHeart · 27/01/2025 12:57

Some people just aren't interested in baby's. I am one of them. I don't hate them, but I don't want anything to do with them either. I guess people must have perceived me as hostile, too. But the truth is, baby's are just not my thing.

This.
Most 20 year olds are not interested in babies. I was the same, it was a standing joke at the office that when people came in to show off the baby I avoided them.
He's not hostile to your baby but he doesn't have any interest and doen't want to hold it.

RedToothBrush · 27/01/2025 13:45

healthierdiet · 27/01/2025 12:54

I suppose disinterested but quite obviously, when I asked if he'd like a cuddle when he was born he bluntly replied no I'm alright and although this was only his first Christmas he didn't include him in any gifts and on his birthday he asked who's birthday it was as though he wouldn't know. I get a feeling he just doesn't feel like he's anything to do with him.

Show quote history

Hmm probably because he isn't.

Its a baby. Babies are lumps. I'm not interested in them, with the exception of my own. I don't want to hold them, because they scream and poo and I might drop them.

Why can't a 20 year old be the same?

He's not bonded to him. Why would he?

WolfFoxHare · 27/01/2025 13:49

healthierdiet · 27/01/2025 10:04

It's a classic timeless name with no meaning behind it. It's not the name it's that he seems to dehumanise him by saying him or the baby as if he's not relevant.

It could be a number of things... he's just less interested in babies that he was as a teenager, he's got his nose in a sling because you've had another boy and he feel pushed out, he hates the name, or he just likes calling his brother "the baby".

Have you asked him?

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 27/01/2025 13:53

I think if I were a 20 something young man I too would struggle to relate to a baby as my sibling.

He sounds like he's being indifferent to your feelings and tactless. It would be nice if you or somebody else he would talk to could have some 1:1 time with him to find out why he's not at least feigning interest out of politeness' sake. Perhaps as your son it isn't all that reasonable to expect him to fake it, but if nothing else as his grown ass' mother you would be perfectly reasonable to call him out on the rudeness of not even using your baby's name.

EverywhereEverything · 27/01/2025 13:58

I have a half sibling a few years younger than me that I’m close to and lived with, I also have a half sibling that is 22 years younger than me, I couldn’t have been less interested when he was born. I had just graduated and was living life, the last thing I wanted was to be around a baby. I wasn’t jealous, just not really interested.

dutysuite · 27/01/2025 13:59

I wouldn’t tip toe round it,I would ask outright and when he referred you son as the baby I’d correct him by saying his name. He is in his 20s he needs to act it…being jealous of a baby is ridiculous.

EverywhereEverything · 27/01/2025 14:02

I get a feeling he just doesn't feel like he's anything to do with him.

Thats exactly how I felt. I think when you don’t live with your siblings and grow up together, they can just feel like a random kid. At 22, I wasn’t interested in kids.

Jaybee33 · 27/01/2025 14:04

MinnieBalloon · 27/01/2025 12:15

This baby isn’t his brother. You could put a label on it if you want and say it’s his half brother if that makes you feel better, but essentially this is just a kid his mum had with another man.

Quite honestly why should he be interested?

What an absolutely horrible comment and highly insulting to those of us with half siblings who are every bit as loved by us as our full siblings are.

Do you get some kind of kick out of hiding behind anon accounts and being an arsehole to strangers on forums?