Ds doesn't refer to his baby brother by his name

[healthierdiet]

I have an older son from a previous marriage who's in his early twenties now, I did have him quite young and split from his dad when he was small but I remarried and my husband has always brought him up as his own.
We have a daughter (7) together who ds gets along great with and have a one year old son together but ds refers to him as the baby or the little one, the other one or him but I've noticed he really struggles to call him by his name and never has.

He hasn't shown any interest in him ever and didn't want to hold him or meet him when he was a baby when offered, ask anything about him like his name or anything or even reply when we let him know he was born, when he visited he would say things like "your baby is crying" and when baby looked around at him he said what's he staring at?
I realise it must be strange for him with such an age gap but is it normal to be so hostile to a baby?
He wasn't at all like this when dd was born and regularly takes her out and they are very close so
I thought I'd give it time and see how he is but it's been a year and he is still acting the same.
Our relationship hasn't changed we still chat regularly and visit.
I don't know if it's jealousy or something else but it's so strange and I feel sorry for Ds who doesn't understand and wonder if ds1 feels replaced.

I think saying what's he staring at? about a baby is a bit odd.
I don't think you can make him interact with the baby though.

ds refers to him as the baby or the little one,

I don’t know if it helps - but my mother has always done this to any small children, including mine for quite a long time when they were younger. I know you say there are other things going on, but I wouldn’t read too much into this in itself.

This.
When I was in my late teens my boyfriend had a new baby sibling and very honestly, we just had no interest in him at all. We were so into doing our own thing and having our own life with jobs and going out etc that the baby just seemed a very boring, slightly irritating at times, thing on the boarder of our lives.
I do still speak to ex boyfriend occasionally now and although he loves his brother (both obviously very much grown ups) they don't have a connection really. They get along fine but have nothing in common. They are at very different stages in their lives and ex had left home when by the time his brother was a toddler.
I'd just leave it. Things may improve in time, but you can't force it.

Have you asked him? He is an adult and if he is dehumanizing a baby he must have a reason.

My best friend's parents had another baby when she was 19 and she was mortified. She was at uni away from home and then she got her own place so they didn't really form that much of a bond. She hated that if they were out as a family everyone thought she was the mum instead of the sister. I think her parents thought everyone would be as excited as they were and it wasn't the case.

I think I’d ask him. It’ll be awkward but it might give you answers. I have a ds20 and I don’t think he’d behave like that towards a baby if I had one. I’m not saying he’d be all over it but he’d definitely call it by its name and pick it up and say hello to it etc.

I agree with PPs tbh. DS1 doesn't live with the baby, and never has, but likely lived with your DD. He's built a bond with your DD, because he was a middle-aged teenager when she was born, and not with the baby - and tbh that's absolutely fine given the age difference. He's not being hostile and he's not dehumanising the baby. He's indifferent.

I don't think he feels replaced at all. He just doesn't have any interest in a baby that's only half his sibling and likely 18+ years younger than him - and I think if most people on this thread were honest, they wouldn't either.

I think that is the most likely explanation, especially as he refers to his little brother as, 'your baby'.

Op, why not ask your son, gently? It's good to talk about things that bother us and such a conversation could be reassuring for both of you.

My guess is that in time your eldest will become more brotherly towards the baby.

You are both looking at this situation through a different lens.

Your DS won't have much of a bond with your baby because they are not living in the same house, plus babies are very boring let's be honest. They just lie or sit there and do nothing.

Whereas he has grown up with your DD as a sibling at home. Completely different.

He will feel detached from the baby.

This baby isn’t his brother. You could put a label on it if you want and say it’s his half brother if that makes you feel better, but essentially this is just a kid his mum had with another man.

Quite honestly why should he be interested?

He’s a young man who’s left home. It’s not that surprising he doesn’t feel interested or involved. It doesn’t mean he’s “dehumanising” the baby at all.

I think it's quite naive to expect a young adult male to feel any particular bond with a baby sibling tbh. Why should he? And lots of people don't like holding babies, whether they're related to them or not.

I'm inclined to agree with this. I have two sons in their early 20s and both treat babies with a considerable level of delight. One buys gifts for his friend's son when he sees something he likes and makes a point of going to visit the baby when he's back from uni. My youngest has asked me numerous times to consider having a baby as he wants a baby brother!!

I get the feeling from what you've written that there may be an emotional issue around the existence of the baby. I understand that it must be upsetting to hear 'your baby is crying' from him. It sounds as though he is purposely distancing himself from the child, and that is quite sad all round, if that's the case. I think I'd make opportunity to take him out and ensure he realises that you hold a special and unique place for him as your adult 'first born', ensure he realises that his relationship with you is cemented and special. I'd also note that you've noticed a barrier from him towards the baby and try to understand how he's feeling about it. You can't (and shouldn't) force a relationship between them but you at least try to understand if there is something upsetting him.

I can imagine an early 20s guy being a bit awkward with a baby that’s not theirs. When his sister was born, he must have been around age 15? I can see it just being down to the age thing to be honest. Maybe have a chat with him about it and ask if he feels awkward around his baby brother?

Is he actually hostile or just disinterested?

Nonsense, and mean. The baby is his brother.

I wonder whether he is jealous of your baby for having the life he wishes he'd had, with both parents?

I think you need to talk to him about it, just you two, face to face. Do you spend any time with him on your own?

All you can do is talk to him about it one day away from 'the baby' and see what his explanation is and go from there. Sounds like he needs some counselling.

Half brother.

Still related to him though, not just some kid, as that poster was saying.

I have 4 dc's - 35, 33, 18 and 13. The eldest two and youngest two have different father's. My eldest has never lived with either of the youngest two, and and my second dc hasn't ever lived with the youngest. But they are all super close. So I think your ds's age and the age gap is a distraction, and there is another reason for this. Could it be that this baby is a boy, and this in itself might have caused him to feel left out or not "special" as the only son?

This is all just speculation, what you need to do is talk to him. In person so you can see his face and his eyes.

They are not siblings in the sense that they don't share a home or family life.
Your son is not that interested in a little baby.
Maybe when baby grows and can speak, run and play and actively seeks out his older brother they will form a bond.

They might never be close.
It is respectful to use a person's name though.
I would be visiting DS1 with baby every week - taking biscuits that baby helped make. Ask your DS1 to try to use his brother's name. How would DS1 like to be referred to as Big Brother or the Tall One or The Car Driver?

I suppose disinterested but quite obviously, when I asked if he'd like a cuddle when he was born he bluntly replied no I'm alright and although this was only his first Christmas he didn't include him in any gifts and on his birthday he asked who's birthday it was as though he wouldn't know. I get a feeling he just doesn't feel like he's anything to do with him.

THIS ☝️
@healthierdiet When my husband left {now on third marriage} and his third wife got pregnant, there was a 13 year age gap when baby was born, and I was soo relieved when the baby was a girl. {so was son!}

20 odd years is a phenomenal age gap, and your son probably does feel replaced - He will also think {possibly} that this boy has two parents and two parents are usually much better than one. {More support for child &c}

Some people just aren't interested in baby's. I am one of them. I don't hate them, but I don't want anything to do with them either. I guess people must have perceived me as hostile, too. But the truth is, baby's are just not my thing.