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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had a gender preference?

134 replies

recordingthedetails · 26/01/2025 19:43

Under the cloak of anonymity. (And I know it’s sex not gender but I’m not writing sex preferences.)

I’ll be honest and admit I really didn't want all boys. I am not sure why - I've never been a hugely girly girl but I suppose I am in some respects and I also wanted a relationship with a daughter as I lost my own mum young.

I ended up with a boy first, which I'll admit I was a bit worried about. It took me a while to get used to the idea to be honest, partly because everyone I knew who had a baby around the same time had a girl, and I did feel a bit jealous and as if I was on the outside of an exclusive girl club. I went on to have another child who was a girl. Still feel a bit as if I’m an outlier with the original girl gang though.

So YABU - no preference and YANBU had a preference.

OP posts:
Moonshower · 26/01/2025 20:42

Nope, I thought I would end up with all boys but didn’t have a preference, I wasn’t bothered either way. I’ve now had multiple MC and honestly I couldn’t care, I would have loved another healthy baby but doesn’t look like it’s on the cards at the moment.

Growlybear83 · 26/01/2025 20:43

I desperately wanted a girl, but persuaded myself that I was having a boy so that I wouldn't be too disappointed when I gave birth. If I'd had a boy then I might have considered having a second baby, but that's quite a big might! 😆

FcukTheDay · 26/01/2025 20:44

I had four MCs before I had my first child. I was really hoping for a boy! At my scan when told it was a girl, my partner actually put his head in his hands-she was born and it was love at first sight for us all.

Second time around, I was hoping for a boy and I got him. Third and fourth time round I did not mind, I got two more girls.

Lwrenn · 26/01/2025 20:48

I didn’t care but I did know each pregnancy what sex I was having. It was strange but I just knew from each positive what the baby was named. I had 4 😁

Lovelysummerdays · 26/01/2025 20:50

After I had two boys I was keen on the idea of a girl as thought it’d be quite nice to have more balance in the family .

Crazycatlady79 · 26/01/2025 20:52

recordingthedetails · 26/01/2025 20:16

I completely believe you didn’t. But women who have had previous losses still have preferences.

One of my friends had a stillborn girl. She went on to have two healthy boys, but I know she mourns the daughter she did not have.

Show quote history

Yes, some women do. I didn't.
I had healthy twin girls, but mourn the son I actually lost.
I can only speak for myself.

SailingYachty · 26/01/2025 20:53

i really wanted one of each, so overall have no preference, ended up with 2 girls, though I think now i prefer this to the idea of 2 boys.

Tisfortired · 26/01/2025 20:54

I was never bothered with my first, had a boy, was really happy. Took 5 years and a few losses for DC2 so could not give a flying frig what was between their legs as long as I finally got a healthy baby at the end of it - we had another boy and again so happy.

I am now pregnant with an unplanned very much surprise 3rd and I have to be honest I would love a girl, as would my husband. I can’t really articulate why as I know the gender of your child doesn’t dictate your bond and I love my boys so much.

I do have a feeling my destiny is to be a boy mum though.

Groundhogday2025 · 26/01/2025 20:54

Always thought I wanted boys, then when I found out I was unexpectedly expecting I was desperate for a girl. I guess I thought it might be my only child and if that was going to be the case then I wanted a daughter. DH also wanted a girl. Tried to mentally prepare myself for her to be a boy, but 20 week scan she was very much a girl and I was thrilled.
DC2 I genuinely have no real preference. This is likely to be my last child so I think I would slightly prefer a boy, but actually would be equally happy with two girls. DH would prefer another girl but every so often says “maybe a boy would be nice” so I don’t think either of us feel as strongly about the second because we got what we hoped for in DC1.

GiddyRobin · 26/01/2025 20:55

I had zero preference. Miscarried before DS and before DD, so all I wanted were healthy babies. To be honest, I didn't have any preference before the miscarriages though. All I knew was I wanted two; I didn't care what they were.

NormasArse · 26/01/2025 20:55

I secretly wanted boys.

LadyLucyWells · 26/01/2025 20:59

No preference at all either time. I’m not sure I really even thought about it, weirdly! Just longed for a healthy baby after a few miscarriages. I have 2 awesome (now adult) sons.

Lavender14 · 26/01/2025 21:00

I really believed ds was going to be a girl, no idea why I just had a feeling and then he wasn't and it honestly threw me a bit. I wouldn't change him for the world and being his mum is the best thing I have ever done, but I'd be lying if sometimes I didn't look at the girls clothes section of the shop or see little girls in the park being forces to be reckoned with and wish I had one of those too. I've always been a girls girl and I've never been into anything remotely stereotypically 'male' so I did worry about whether I'd be able to bond with ds. But now he's here I know that was nonsense thinking because whatever is important to him is important to me. And the way I see it as cool as it would have been to raise a little girl to be strong and fierce, raising a little boy to be a genuinely good, safe man is something I'm glad to be working on too.

Alabas · 26/01/2025 21:05

No preference. After so many miscarriages, I just wanted one to stick!

I’ve seen the damage to children when people are so focussed on gender stereotypes and not just seeing their child as an individual. Unsurprisingly when one did try to become the gender their mother had always hoped for, that wasn’t enough either.

Mindyourfunkybusiness · 26/01/2025 21:06

Wanted a boy. A lot of issues of not wanting a girl so they didn't potentially go through what I did, so that they'd be physically stronger and be able to protect or defend themselves better.
Little did I know that little bundle of love would give me the strength to protect all of ussss foreverrrr.

Due to my experiences I've sent my girls to self defence since they could walk and probably am ott when it comes to drilling safety into them etc. Ah well. Adore them!

RandomUsernameHere · 26/01/2025 21:07

I had a strong preference for one of each.

LePetitMaman · 26/01/2025 21:10

Gender disappointment can be crushing. I don't know if it's an independently recognised thing, or if it's just part of post (pre?) natal depression. There's nothing worse than being told what a selfish git you are for not being grateful for a healthy baby, as if you don't know and feel guilty enough about that already. I had a boy first. Really wanted a girl. Took quite a while to move my head past the daughter that I felt like I'd lost. I think there are quite deep rooted reasons I thought I was "supposed" to have a daughter. If I'd had a daughter, I very possibly wouldn't have had any more children.

Then I had DTwins. Boy/girl and actually, the boy is the absolute apple of my eye and I feel sad for eldest DS when I think about the difference in my mindset between him being born and littlest DS.

The girl, is more of a "boy" than both the actual boys, so I don't particularly feel like I've had a daughter, but I think until I'd had her, I would still be longing for what I thought a daughter would be.

It's good to talk anonymously. I think a lot more women feel this way but would never ever admit it because other women tear you down as shallow and actually quite disgusting. It doesn't seem to cross their mind that the way you feel must go way deeper than "oh but I want to put a girl in frilly dresses", but unless you want to go into all your past trauma, which suddenly makes your mindset and worries understandable, it's just easier to say nothing.

socks1107 · 26/01/2025 21:16

I really wanted a girl with first dc. It was possibly our only child after fertility treatment and she was a girl.
With dc2 that feeling was x100 for another girl and she was a girl too.
I've never really thought about having a boy ever

Tictactoed · 26/01/2025 21:28

With my first, I desperately wanted a girl as I don't have a good relationship with my mum. I had convinced myself though, I was having a boy so I wouldn't be disappointed and when I found out I was having a girl I remember feeling a little sad for the son I had "lost" 🥴.

My second child I again really wanted a girl. Not only did I want to reuse dd's clothes but I wanted to give her a sister. I grew up with a much older brother and I'd always wanted a sister. All my friends who have sister/s are all really close so I think I felt like I'd let dd down.

Bonus baby, I really didn't mind and was happy he was a boy as much as I would have been happy for a girl. I was pleased DS would have a brother/ partner-in-crime. However, I do still feel a little envious when I see all girl siblings!

RareNewt · 26/01/2025 21:30

I wanted a boy, I got a boy. I always felt I would be more suited to be a boy mum over a girl mum. Don't get me wrong I love my neices but can't imagine having a girl

PumpkinPie2016 · 26/01/2025 21:34

I honestly had no preference either way. We didn't find out at scans either.

Had a boy and was absolutely thrilled. Though I am sure I would have been equally thrilled with a girl.

Never had another and my boy is now 11 - he's amazing and I wouldn't change him for the world 🙂

Babyenroute · 26/01/2025 21:35

Always wanted two of the same regardless of sex - got two of the same and feel very lucky

mowthegrass · 26/01/2025 21:37

Secretly wanted a boy and I got him. He’s amazing.

Topjoe19 · 26/01/2025 21:40

Just a slightly sinking feeling when I found out I was having a girl... it's so much harder being a girl/woman in this world. But also girls are powerful in so many ways & I will do everything in my power to teach them to be strong & brave & true to themselves.

Mielbee · 26/01/2025 21:43

I was so happy to have a girl first time round. Just something silly about worrying that boys wouldn't be as close to their mums as girls as that's what's played out in my family. I know it's ridiculous though. Also there had been so many boys in DH's family that I thought it was extremely likely we would be having a boy so it was a surprise of something I didn't think I would have. This time I genuinely really don't mind and would be delighted with either.