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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have babysitting rules...

185 replies

finalstrawb · 26/01/2025 07:25

... if I didn't ask for the babysitting?

We have very little support from family due to geography, but we make it work and never ask for help. MIL and FIL have asked to babysit as they love our DS - lovely for all of us, DS aged 2 gets time with GP, we get a few hours to ourselves. Babysitting between 12-5. WIBU to ask them to do no television. We severely limit screen time as DS is a bad sleeper and we find it helps. Also no sugar etc but we leave meals and snacks prepared.

If I requested childcare I wouldn't set rules but in this case AIBU? He has lots of toys and healthy snacks, they don't have to do anything except play with him (DS very spirited!)

OP posts:
Emmz1510 · 30/01/2025 11:53

Have you any reason to believe they would be plying him with junk and letting him watch five hours of TV? Because if not, I don’t think I would be militant with ‘rules’. Sometimes it’s good to believe the best in people and assuming the worst could set this off on the wrong foot when really there is no need if they are ‘wonderful grandparents’.

I do however think it’s fine to take a gentler approach and say ‘we prefer he doesn’t watch too much TV as it tends to over excite him and affect his sleep, no more than 20 minutes if that’s ok’ and ‘it would be good if you could stick to the snacks we’ve left him, we’re trying to limit his sweets and stuff’. Of course if they have form for this then perhaps you do need to be stricter.

Oneflewovermydogsbed · 30/01/2025 11:57

batt3nb3rg · 26/01/2025 23:15

Mumsnet has a lot of grannies who are outraged at the suggestion that they don’t have rights over other people’s children, and that they can’t bribe their grandchildren into loving spending time with them by frying their ability to concentrate with six hours of Cocomelon and loading them up on sweets. Literally elder abuse.

Show quote history

Crikey 😳😳😳😳😳

Delphiniumandlupins · 30/01/2025 12:03

Do you really need to prepare all the meals in advance? Just thinking of one thing that might make their childcare easier for you. You could leave suggestions for your DS if that would help. I also think it's fine to say what food and activities you discourage/encourage (eg if they're trying to get him down for a nap and you know TV makes that harder).

Oneflewovermydogsbed · 30/01/2025 12:07

The only’rule’ I ever had for my darling Mum was not to smoke when looking after the children,other than that I was just so happy to have free time knowing my children were spending time with Grandma and were safe,my children have really happy memories staying with her.
My daughter has certainly never set any rules whilst we look after grandchild…she trusts me !

Lickityspit · 30/01/2025 12:08

I wouldn’t lay down or law but maybe explain your reasons and ask they limit screen time and chocolate etc. if they are good GPs they will comply

thecherryfox · 30/01/2025 12:22

I just want to say that people who grow up with parents who raise them to ‘eat healthy’ with no sugar or lack of screen time etc - they almost always ‘rebel’. I know severely people who had strict rules growing up and when they became teens they done everything behind their parents back. Everything is fine in moderation, people just take it to the extremes and ban it entirely and it affects the children more negatively than positively

Mamabear487 · 30/01/2025 12:22

It’s a rare occurrence let them spoil them with some sugar and tv!!

MrsSlocombesCat · 30/01/2025 13:05

Parenting these days is so OTT! As a mother of 5 and having known loads of people with babies and children over the years, it's just not true that sugar makes kids hyperactive. Some kids just are. I have two grandchildren, one is and always has been hyperactive regardless of diet and TV (she doesn't have the attention span to watch anyway!) The other is laid back, always been a good sleeper and has a far better attention span. Television is known to make adults fall asleep FGS. What a miserable life drinking water and never allowed sugar. I understand restricted screen time in regard to devices but TV is different. It can be relaxing. My grandkids still love coming here because they know they'll be spoilt, and that does include chocolate and pizza often. It's a break from normal life and normal rules. When they stay overnight the second one always falls asleep when I read to her, the eldest began sleeping better from the age of around three or four and has no sleep issues whatsoever even when sugar is involved!

AubernFable · 30/01/2025 13:55

I have done lots of childcare for all different families, and I follow their rules without question. It’s just what you do when someone is trusting you to look after the most important person in their world.

GPs should be doing the same—they should know the rules and stick to them because it’s important to you. My PiL have had to change almost everything about their parenting style since becoming GPs because SiL, DH, and I have different parenting philosophies than they did 20 years ago. They made such an effort to educate themselves on things like Montessori, gentle parenting, no tech, etc., so they could babysit and have the grandchildren overnight and they’re wonderful with them. Neither SiL or myself and DH would’ve said free childcare is worth letting the things we care about slide, you’re not unreasonable to ask your family to respect the way you parent.

Flipflop223 · 30/01/2025 14:39

finalstrawb · 26/01/2025 07:25

... if I didn't ask for the babysitting?

We have very little support from family due to geography, but we make it work and never ask for help. MIL and FIL have asked to babysit as they love our DS - lovely for all of us, DS aged 2 gets time with GP, we get a few hours to ourselves. Babysitting between 12-5. WIBU to ask them to do no television. We severely limit screen time as DS is a bad sleeper and we find it helps. Also no sugar etc but we leave meals and snacks prepared.

If I requested childcare I wouldn't set rules but in this case AIBU? He has lots of toys and healthy snacks, they don't have to do anything except play with him (DS very spirited!)

It’s important for your children to have a relationship with the grandparents. That’s what this about. I am all for low sugar and low screen time but you sound like you’re taking it too far and are very uptight. Not fair on them, not all about you

Flipflop223 · 30/01/2025 14:39

thecherryfox · 30/01/2025 12:22

I just want to say that people who grow up with parents who raise them to ‘eat healthy’ with no sugar or lack of screen time etc - they almost always ‘rebel’. I know severely people who had strict rules growing up and when they became teens they done everything behind their parents back. Everything is fine in moderation, people just take it to the extremes and ban it entirely and it affects the children more negatively than positively

Yeup!! Me. Ended up with a lifelong eating disorder.

Flipflop223 · 30/01/2025 14:40

finalstrawb · 26/01/2025 07:40

I take your point however I am doing this for their benefit, I have to arrange 3 meals (DS lunch and tea, their lunch), clean the house, arrange all spare clothing... I don't want then to be kept up all night with a screaming overstimulated toddler when I have work in the morning. I haven't asked for this. It's nice but it's not a favour- I said yes because I recognise its important for DS to bond with GP. I don't think no tv and no juice and chocolate is unreasonable for a 2 yo for a 5 hour period? Different if they were 5 maybe but he's 2!

It’s not about you. Do you see that?

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 30/01/2025 14:52

You can just say no. There is no need for children to have alone time with grandparents and by the sounds of it it’s a lot of extra work for you and it’s making you worried. Just get them to spend time with the grandkids with you present (either at your place or theirs or somewhere else)

Flipflop223 · 30/01/2025 14:59

finalstrawb · 26/01/2025 07:40

I take your point however I am doing this for their benefit, I have to arrange 3 meals (DS lunch and tea, their lunch), clean the house, arrange all spare clothing... I don't want then to be kept up all night with a screaming overstimulated toddler when I have work in the morning. I haven't asked for this. It's nice but it's not a favour- I said yes because I recognise its important for DS to bond with GP. I don't think no tv and no juice and chocolate is unreasonable for a 2 yo for a 5 hour period? Different if they were 5 maybe but he's 2!

You need to chill out. This is controlling behaviour. You don’t need to control every aspect of your child’s life. Particularly with their grandparents. You need to look at this though someone else’s eyes. Understanding other people’s perspective. I think you’re struggling with that. Your child will have a great day. There might be reasons for being a poor sleeper. Like neurodivergence possibly. Or anxiety from overbearing parent. Just leave them be.

Flipflop223 · 30/01/2025 15:04

ProustianMadeleine · 26/01/2025 07:53

Also why did you post if you're just going to disagree with everyone who doesn't agree with you and be snotty.
Have a day off.

Urgh it kills me when people do this. She’s upright and nutty so will never accept what anyone else thinks. Why, then, post to garner views?!

Thirstysue · 30/01/2025 15:28

You sound fun

Burntt · 30/01/2025 16:39

I don't think it's unreasonable to have rules in this situation. Different if they are doing you a favour but this is you doing them the favour.

Also quality time building a bond would be best without the tv surely?

Macaroni46 · 30/01/2025 20:16

thecherryfox · 30/01/2025 12:22

I just want to say that people who grow up with parents who raise them to ‘eat healthy’ with no sugar or lack of screen time etc - they almost always ‘rebel’. I know severely people who had strict rules growing up and when they became teens they done everything behind their parents back. Everything is fine in moderation, people just take it to the extremes and ban it entirely and it affects the children more negatively than positively

You are so right! Seen this so many times and include myself in that. My mum was overly strict and tried to control everything. From about age 8 I began buying sweets in secret and from age 14 completely rebelled. Lost all respect for her because her rules were too strict, there was no flexibility and they were arbitrary.

Undethetree · 30/01/2025 20:27

It's nice that they want a relationship with him and that you want to facilitate it. Was it not possible to do it on a day when you are not working in the morning?

Maybe you could request no TV / sugar etc and explain why but also give an idea of how they could treat him so that they feel like they are doing something special? Eg, "DS LOVES going to XYZ petting farm/trampolining park, it would be such a treat for him if you took him there".

saraclara · 30/01/2025 20:28

Burntt · 30/01/2025 16:39

I don't think it's unreasonable to have rules in this situation. Different if they are doing you a favour but this is you doing them the favour.

Also quality time building a bond would be best without the tv surely?

A ten minute episode of Duggee while I make a hot drink and tune out briefly does not weaken any bonds, FFS. In fact that break gives me more energy for doing the fun stuff afterwards.

Funkyslippers · 30/01/2025 20:42

Yanbu. You don't need to call them 'rules', they're just something you'd rather he didn't have. If I was the gp I could survive for 5 hours without resorting to the TV or sugar

saraclara · 30/01/2025 20:45

Funkyslippers · 30/01/2025 20:42

Yanbu. You don't need to call them 'rules', they're just something you'd rather he didn't have. If I was the gp I could survive for 5 hours without resorting to the TV or sugar

On the assumption that you're not yet a grandparent, I suggest that you come back when you're nearly 70 and wrangling a four year old and a two year old on your own, and let me know if you resisted putting Cbeebies on for ten minutes.

Funkyslippers · 30/01/2025 20:47

Mamabear487 · 30/01/2025 12:22

It’s a rare occurrence let them spoil them with some sugar and tv!!

Yes, and from the sounds of it, it literally will be spoiling him. Why not just spend quality time with him without having to resort to TV & sugar?

Tourmalines · 30/01/2025 20:49

MrsSlocombesCat · 30/01/2025 13:05

Parenting these days is so OTT! As a mother of 5 and having known loads of people with babies and children over the years, it's just not true that sugar makes kids hyperactive. Some kids just are. I have two grandchildren, one is and always has been hyperactive regardless of diet and TV (she doesn't have the attention span to watch anyway!) The other is laid back, always been a good sleeper and has a far better attention span. Television is known to make adults fall asleep FGS. What a miserable life drinking water and never allowed sugar. I understand restricted screen time in regard to devices but TV is different. It can be relaxing. My grandkids still love coming here because they know they'll be spoilt, and that does include chocolate and pizza often. It's a break from normal life and normal rules. When they stay overnight the second one always falls asleep when I read to her, the eldest began sleeping better from the age of around three or four and has no sleep issues whatsoever even when sugar is involved!

exactly this .

DangerousAlchemy · 31/01/2025 05:41

Yellow889 · 26/01/2025 17:18

No long term damage but if it causes him to have a shit night sleep, that's pretty awful for both the baby and the parents. I can't imagine my own parents wanting to do that to me. You'd have to be pretty selfish to think it's ok.

And most parents I know are indeed quite strict on TV and sugar for toddlers nowadays.

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2 years old is definitely not a baby