AIBU to have babysitting rules...

[finalstrawb]

... if I didn't ask for the babysitting?

We have very little support from family due to geography, but we make it work and never ask for help. MIL and FIL have asked to babysit as they love our DS - lovely for all of us, DS aged 2 gets time with GP, we get a few hours to ourselves. Babysitting between 12-5. WIBU to ask them to do no television. We severely limit screen time as DS is a bad sleeper and we find it helps. Also no sugar etc but we leave meals and snacks prepared.

If I requested childcare I wouldn't set rules but in this case AIBU? He has lots of toys and healthy snacks, they don't have to do anything except play with him (DS very spirited!)

Yeah I doubt it's sugar that keeps him up. If anything, being with gp will tire him out and make him sleep better.

And these are in laws, yet you tidy and sort meals and would be the one up all night? Where's your dh in all this?

You don't need a spotless house. Get in a frozen pizza for lunch. Get dh to help at night.

You're thinking of this a bit short term. Build up from here and in a year or two your child can do overnights, eventually staying a few days which really helps in school holidays.

It's not just the immediate benefit for you having a rest, it's your child building relationships and confidence and learning other people have different rules. Obviously if gp are a nightmare it's not beneficial, but you do need to be a bit flexible.

I'd say 'can you avoid sugar and telly please' but really, 5 hours with a 2 yo might mean they're all happy for a break.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask OP if sleep really a problem and your experience is that any amount of TV will cause him to be up all night. The reality is, as other PPs have suggested that 1/2 hour or so earlier on in the day is very unlikely to effect his sleep at all.

I think you could say “we don’t allow TV because it really affects his sleep, we’d like you to do the same but if you really need a break could you limit it to x amount before y time?” Are GPs mobile and could they take him out of weather appropriate? Then he could have a good run around and tire himself out for most of the day. I do think if you’re not used to it all day everyday trying to entertain a 2 year old can be a bit relentless.

Chocolate / Sugar - I wouldn’t get worked up out of principle about if it is a one off and they don’t spend much time together - obviously if they see them every week would need to lay down the law a bit. But if this is a situation where again you think a few sweets is going to send his behaviour mental and then you will have to deal with the consequences then it’s reasonable to explain that and you could have a pot of fruit for eg as a treat. Ultimately you know your child best and understandably have boundaries that apply in your home. Personally I would want to be a bit flexible when other people are looking after my child - you’ve said you think it’s important for them to have one on one time (agreed) and part of that in my opinion is allowing them to babysit as they wish. The only thing I disagree strongly with is that you said you wouldn’t set the rules if you’d asked (needed) the babysitting - if that’s the case then perhaps the potential consequences some tv / sugar isn’t a hill to die on for you

Oh yes. I'm not saying that sugar is good (though I allow my grandchildren a biscuit while I have my hot drink). Just correcting that particular posters point.

Get them to brush his teeth. In hindsight it's easy to be precious about sugar when they're tiny, then the children's parties and sweets and bake sales at school start... One time won't make his teeth fall out.

I think it's fine to say 'please try not to' but not 'you must not' - you either trust them or you don't.

I don't think this is unreasonable at all, whenever my mum has my son, I always tell her not to give him treats and she always sticks by it and is still happy to have him

Let them do what they want this once. Then see how he is, if you find him overstimulated ask if they mind taking him into the park or garden instead of the TV next time.

You might find if they're desperate to have him they won't use the TV much as toddlers can be very zombie like and boring if it's on.

With the food, I wouldn't make a battle out of it now. Better he has it but you know how much than they do it than in secret and pretend he's not had any. That way he can have an extra good brush and maybe limit anything else you give him if you think he's had too much sugar (I know you don't do sweets but I'm thinking raisins, baby oat bars that are full of dates - that sort of thing.)

I put yanbu because I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to make your lives more difficult by letting someone else have some 1:1 time.

OR find a low stimulating show like twirly woos or the old Thomas the tank engine and say if you need a break this is his favourite. Works a treat.

It’s completely fine if you’re offering to provide all food to ask them to stick to what you’ve given. ‘We don’t allow tv or sugary snacks yet here’s all the food and snacks he will need and I’ve left out a bunch of toys that he loves to play with. You could always take him to the park too.. there is a bag packed with snacks and water for that.’

if they do resort to screen time then next time they want to babysit cut it much shorter as you know they struggled to entertain him last time. Not respecting your wishes about food would be a deal breaker for me.

You describe you son as very 'spirited'. So rather than play with him 5 hours straight, his grandparents might like to break up the time with 30 minutes of TV.
To say no to this would be selfish and controlling. And how exactly would it affect his sleep so badly?
Have they really specified that they want you to sort out all meals, or is this something you have taken upon yourself to control do?
Honestly, MN is a whole different world to me sometimes. You're choosing to create a problem out of something nice.

Having his GPs looking after him is going to stimulate him more than a ten minute TV programme, let's face it! It'll be something new. But of course the more often it happens the more normal it will become.

I'm just saying that if he is a bit full on at the end, don't go assuming they've packed him with chocolate buttons and say him in front of a whole Disney film! He'll just have had a different kind of afternoon, hopefully filled with warmth and love. And definitely don't use that excitement as reason to stop it happening again.

ETA that maybe a bit of gentle TV will calm him down!

So I’m a nana and I babysit my DGD’’s.

when I arrive my DIL will tell me details “a hand over “ if you like. So

“ girls are fine, had breakfast /snacks so no food before lunch needed, haven’t been out so fresh air would be good if you fancy it, lunch ready they can have a small dish sweets (they have special sweet bowls) before 4, drinks as needed, dinner ready. Tv before 6 no longer than an hour or so”

this is standard handover talk, I know the rules the girls have but she reminds me gently and I’m not offended I like to have it confirmed and there might me changes ie we made cakes they may have one but then no sweets, or “ oh you bought sweets lovely forget the ones I put out but remember girls no after 4 so no pestering nana “

she lets me spoil them and in return I respect her rules.

just to say I love looking after my little family, she knows me babysitting will mean I do some chores at the same time and her girls are happy.

So, you recognise it’s important and therefore benefits your child.

So, stop the “it only benefits them” nonsense.

This too, I can spend the afternoon with them, no tv, we forgot the sweets and they are still hyper when I leave 😂😂

Ditto.

Hide the remote control for the telly. Leave plenty of toys and books out. Suggest they could bring your child out for a walk so leave the buggy handy.
As it's only a few hours and they asked and want to spend time with their grandchild, then in all fairness they should be spending that time with their grandchild and not sitting beside their grandchild while they watch whatever on the telly.

I would stress to them how important the no screen time is and if they won't stick to it then I'd maybe shorten their time there.
Sometimes the tv can give you a breather when looking after small children for a long period of time so maybe 5 hours is a long time for them if they are needing that.

I think it is like begrudgingly agreeing to go to someone’s house for a meal and then dictating what you have to eat.

You can do it but it comes across as rather controlling.

Another "hide the remote" comment.

For goodness sake. Your parents are not children. And I bet you don't give your child undivided attention for five hours non-stop (or I hope not as they would never learn to occupy themselves). Maybe GP would like to watch the news, for instance. Just let them be, once you've let them know your preferences. They don't need policing.

When my DGCs come to my house, I live my life around them, just as my DD does. So we have lots of fun and play together. But I'll also put the washing on and do the odd five minute chore and let them do their own thing at times.

Having expectations of grandparents that you don't have if yourself when you spend five hours with your child is just silly.

How demeaning to treat your parents like this “hide the remote”, what every time?

Or, have an adult conversation and agree something acceptable for both?

I would never hide the remote FGS

It’s not about you or whether you need a favour.

Having a close relationship with grandparents is a good thing for kids. They can mine their grandparents’ experiences of life, have a friendly ear to confide in, go and stay somewhere they are loved unconditionally and yes, which might be a bit more relaxed than home! Plus seeing that different people do things in different ways is very good for kids.

Your rules are I suspect making the experience less enjoyable for both sides- grandparents will be worried they might be doing something wrong and can’t get a break for 10 mins while the kids watch CBBC. Plus it’s not great that they seemingly can’t even be trusted to make their own grandkids’ dinner. My gran was a fantastic cook and I learnt all my cooking from her!

The kids are probably picking up on the stress and not able to get treats that other kids might, or just be indulged a bit.

Unless they are watching squid games for 12 hours or being pumped full of haribo, you need to chill out and let them have some fun.

No sugar? What do you think you are gaining exactly by sucking all the joy out of your dc's childhood?

Some parents have this obsession with sugar (and TV actually). I'm sorry but I find it utterly ridiculous.

I'm a mum of 4. I didn't impose these types of OTT rules and my adult children have zero cavities...

And as for imposing rules on the grandparents then no, I certainly would not.

Yes but even if it is it’s a widely believed myth so I’d assume they’d think it would keep their grandchild awake.

Grandmother here. Your toddler, your rules..I'd talk to the grandparents, esp about the 'no sugar'. Explain, and leave suitable snacks. Do they have to stay indoors? Set up the buggy, and give lessons on how to fold it up and down. Make sure they can do that. I wdnt have been offended by your requests.

Plus I have heard a dentist tell someone that they would far rather kids eat a few chocolate buttons (and ideally brush their teeth) than the mountains of raisins and fruit strips that some parents buy their kids which are truly awful for teeth, much worse than a bit of chocolate now and then in terms of oral health.

And there’s the infamous story on here of a mum who wouldn’t let her kids have any sugar at all, even at parties, and the kids were found downing toothpaste in the bathroom!