To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

@fashionqueen0123 I was more referring to people implying the parents should be paying for the taxis/arranging the lifts. My point is why are their parents financing this - surely they can use money they're getting from the same source they're getting the money to go clubbing with. Rather than getting money from parents for lifts home.

3am is crazy. The young women need to put aside cash for a taxi.

I’d pick them up once a month but midnight would be my limit. If they want to stay out until 3am then they need to sort their own transport! Nobody needs to be out until 3am - when I was that age the clubs didn’t even open until that time!

Realistically a 3am pick up means no chance of a decent sleep for any adult that has to be up at a sensible time in the morning.

My daughters 14, I’ve told her when her and her mates go clubbing I will be picking them up and no chance will they be getting in a taxi. Would rather be up in the early hours than my girl in a strangers car.

Im surprised none of them are learning to drive to solve the problem. Yes, it would mean that the driver couldn't drink, but they'd still all be able to go clubbing.

I live fairly rurally and all the teens here start driving lessons the second they turn 17; DS passed his test 4 months later and used to be the main driver for his friends (and was happy with the situation).

I think the problem is that your daughter has continued to accept lifts from this mum and you endorsed it by sending her a thank you Xmas gift! I think that was actually rude in a weird way as it was you acknowledging she does all the driving and sitting back and lobbing her a bottle of wine but not offering another solution or saying no hang on it’s not fair.

so now rather than just suggest a cab (which in itself is totally right and the young women should have been doing this themselves anyway) I think you have to insist that is your decision and ask you daughter to stand by it and decline further lifts. If she’s worried about being on her own in the cab she needs to force the hand of the others whose parents aren’t giving lifts and they all travel together.

if lift mum then wants to carry on that’s up to her and she can’t guilt the rest of you.

I'd prefer a 3am pick up to a midnight one. I'd get a few hours sleep in first.

I was out with my school friends the other night in our hometown. One of them was picked up by her dad. We are 46!

Let’s see how that pans out for five years or longer! You will be shell of your former self. Especially if you have more than one teen.

I don’t see why they can’t factor a taxi into their budget is it’s £15 a head. Want to do grown up things like going out drinking and dancing at clubs, do the grown up budgeting that comes along with it and plan how to get home. We were out every weekend and some weeknights when I was 18, we all had to factor in getting home. We would have a designated driver or sort out a taxi. Parents were for emergencies like when my car was broken into (I was so the sober driver for that night) I called my dad to come get us all and he drove us home.

it’s lovely that she’s been doing this, I have daughters and I will be spending my nights worrying too when they start going out. But I’ll be telling them they have to budget for a taxi or have a designated driver in their party that night. They stick with their friends, be careful of their drinks etc, everything I had to do and we will have our phones on and to call if they need us, just like my parents did, and we will always answer and be there if they need us.

Ridiculous, they should get a taxi. I'd rather pay for the taxi myself than go out at 3am to collect them.
I can understand why the other mum is sick of it but why isn't a taxi acceptable?
Even a room in a travelodge between 3 might be a better option compared to a taxi.

At some point, she may have to take a taxi somewhere.

It probably is area dependent. We are semi rural. My dc and friends did similar last few months of yr13 at school - probably once a month ish. They went on to get top grades and are all now living away at uni or abroad. We also picked up from a festival, another parent took them.
Personally I was happy doing it and they were nice girls, one says I’m her second mum. I had the mums details from when they were younger. One messaged me to say thank you for looking after her dc when she was sick.
I was definitely more in the loop with what was going on. It was such a short period of time.
Sitting here tonight empty nest and missing her…

If the other 2 parents won't to do it- and you and DH take turns, it's one Saturday a month you can't drink. Sorry, but that really doesn't seem that unreasonable in order to ensure their safety. I also wouldn't want some potentially pissed up lad picking up 4 teenage girls- there is too many crashes with young men trying to impress their passengers. I'd be the mum picking up- and I'd also start to only pick up my daughter since no one else seems to give a crap and leave the other three to fend for themselves, regardless of what my daughter said as she is getting the piss taken

Is the concern about taxi that one person is in it by themselves at the end? Could the girls all stay overnight in one house so they are all together?

I can't quite believe you and 3 others 18yr old's parents willingly accept lifts for your dd without taking a turn .

I would have been mortified at 18 if my Mum had messaged my adult friends Mums to organise a babysitting rota. I don't think £50 is that much money for a taxi. I paid £30 15 years ago. If they don't feel comfortable getting themselves home, it would maybe be better to stay local. IMO, getting taxis back, knowing Mums are close by in case of emergencies is good for independence during A levels. Next year they may be 100s of miles from home.

But we're not talking about "being stuck"?
I would pick my young adult DCs/older teens up in the blink of an eye if they were "stuck".

My DCs know this. They have emergency money available to them so that they can get home in a crisis, or if the regular plans haven't worked out for whatever reason.
If they need me in an emergency, I will give them a cast iron guarantee that I will be there to rescue, at whatever time I'm needed.

The OP is about setting up a 'mums rota' to collect 4 young adults from clubbing at 3am.
Much like we collected them from Brownies at 7pm when they were 8 years old.

Can you see the difference?

They are adults - they accepted the lifts, not their parents. We aren't talking about 4 year olds at nursery!

I think you're being very unreasonable not to take turns in doing the pick-up. I did similar for several years because it was the only way I could be satisfied that my daughter was safe when she was travelling home in the early hours.

We never did this. They made their own arrangements, usually sharing taxis. Or deciding to do something else which didn't involve such a late finish.

How will this work when your DD is actually old enough to go clubbing, in 4 years?
She may well be living in a different city to you by then.

I used to be on a similar rota and pick up my DD and friends, but it was usually around 12:30 and within a few miles.

it is only for that few months from them turning 18, mainly after exams and before uni, so not forever, and I wouldn’t have been able to sleep until she got in anyway (being my eldest) unless I knew she had a lift sorted.

DS didn’t turn 18 until late August so didn’t have long before uni, and he and his mates managed on the buses mainly as went to town centre places.

it was nice to see how they coped with bars and clubs before they left for uni.

My dd would be mortified if I was organising anything with other mothers at this age 😱

I vote for taxi as a reasonable alternative. Of course you don’t want to go out at that time, and why should you when there is no reason why they can’t get a taxi.

You could have a rota where each parent takes a turn for having responsibility for getting them home safe. It’s then entirely up to the parent whose turn it is to choose if they want to pick them up or to pay for a taxi.

I would say though, to be going clubbing twice a month when there is so much effort and/or cost required sounds completely unreasonable on the part of the girls. They don’t need to go that often. Around here - and we live in a city so can access things more easily - it would be more usual for teens of this age to be at local house parties rather than going out to clubs that often.

And what if, as the adults they’ll be, they don’t want to be getting lifts with you?