To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

Not a chance would I be going anywhere at 3am. The girls need to fork out for taxis or find another Saturday night entertainment. Clubbing isn't a human right.

I have a 17 year old and live in a rural area so I get it. Our teens generally end up crashing on someone's floor rather than expecting a parent to drive half way across the county at silly o'clock.

Indeed or 800 miles away

Just thinking whether I would do this for my DD when she's old enough for clubbing and honestly no. We're about 15 mins drive from the nearest town and it's about £35 in a taxi late at night. I'd pick up until midnight once a month but no chance 3am and not every week. I'd offer to pay for a taxi obce a month I think in this situation, and have all girls staying over if they didn't want to be the last one in the taxi.

I know! Mine would have been!

Are all the dads on a WhatsApp group, trying to create a fortnightly pick-up rota for you and your friends though?

Jesus fucking Christ they are 18 year old adults! They absolutely can organise their own taxi home. I think I'd agree with being the "on call" parent in a rota, so that you are the person who will get out of bed to lift them if something unexpected happens (taxi not showing up, one of them is sick, whatever). At eighteen years old it never would have entered my mind to ask for a lift at 3am.

Obviously they need to be pre booking a taxi. Of course you don’t have to go out at 3 am.

I genuinely don’t mind contributing financially - DD works seasonally but is still at school so not rolling in it. Believe me I’m very up for paying my way out of this situation! I just thought it would be nice to make a gesture to the driving mum acknowledging her kindness

Yes @JockTamsonsBairns that's why I said even when I was older my dad would still come out if I needed him to.
At 18 we always would arrange transport home and he took his turn just like other parents did.
I absolutely would do this for my DD when she is old enough to go out clubbing, and have already done this for DSS who is just starting to go out.
I would much rather have either of them safely in my car than in the back of a taxi, or in an unsafe drivers car. Especially if they've been drinking and their judgement might be impaired.
And to reiterate that did nothing to damage my independence, if anything it made me more confident to pack my bags and take a bar job on the other side of the world and be able to very successfully negotiate all that living abroad alone at 22 entails.

Presumably her daughter could be at university in the autumn - what will she do then? If they can go clubbing they can share a taxi home. I wouldn’t let her anxiety push you into lifts when you’ve suggested a safe taxi service.

Well I’d do it , but then my dad was always picking us up from clubs at 2/3 am as that was one of the rules for going out in the first place . Mine are adult now but I’ve always been happy to be the taxi and likewise both of mine are happy to help us out if we need anything . When my dad was doing it we were all back up at 6:30 to go up and sort our horses out so not much sleep for anybody .

I split the taxi fare at that age clubbing at a similar age with two friends. Not fair to expect parents to ferry you about at that time of night!

I would do the pickup, with or without a rota. But I'm not a big drinker so can't understand feeling deprived by not being able to drink Chardonnay on a Saturday night. They'll surely all be off to uni soon, so this is likely to be a short-term phase.

3am and 13 miles away? I’d be more than happy to pay cab fares but not to go and collect at that time. 1am is roughly our limit.

It’s very important they learn to manage by themselves (with you as a safety net) because they need to learn locally to home, before they go to university and have to do this alone.

This. The girls need to get their heads together and sort themselves out independently of parents. It’s fine to ask occasionally in advance but every week? Sorry, ‘taking the piss’ doesn’t cover it and it’s only got to this stage because anxious mum has facilitated it. She needs to stop and the girls need to act like the adults they are.

For me it's got nothing to do with alcohol but needing my sleep. Purely that and nothing more.

@bringmetolife i did it every week when my daughter was younger. friends lived a distance apart but she lived in another area altogether and it meant her getting in a taxi alone. I had a built in alarm clock which would waken me at 2am. quick coffee then phone would ring, tuck nightie into jeans and throw on a jacket to drive 20 minutes away. I then slept soundly on return knowing that she was safe!! then they all decided they would have a nominated driver once they all had their own cars!

I have a child, he's seven so it's all still a bit far down the tracks but I think the last time I relied on a parent or guardian to pick my friends & I up was from the local under 18's disco in the GAA hall up the road & even then it was mortifying if you were waiting on a snog... never could I imagine the embarrassment of getting a "Beep Beep" outside an actual club

The girls need to start working on their own way home.. obviously emergencies not withstanding

Can I add a MN passive aggressive HTH?

And they have time to go clubbing twice a month; mileages away until 3am?

I am not sure I could facilitate this either. Perhaps once a month if each parent take responsibility each month, whether on taxi or pick up. That night will kill my whole day; would be exhausting.

I think the girls have to sort themselves out; this mother is facilitating this nonsense

Nothing wrong with you paying for a taxi on your turn. It’s ridiculous if the other mum doesn’t want them to get a taxi. That’s her problem. You’re offering to contribute so don’t feel bad. They’re definitely old enough to all three get a taxi. I think it’s crazy that at 18 the parents are even involved in this! Absolute madness.

Exactly! My dad drove 50 miles when I broke down on the A1 at night without a second thought, but he wouldn’t have picked me up at 2am from a regular night out where I had chosen to go, ten miles from home.

I can’t believe how many parents have are saying she’s wrong for not taking “their turn”. There is no agreed rota for lifts. This mother that has been doing all the lifts has taken it upon herself to do it. There are other alternatives- taxis etc. Just because some mothers don’t want their children in a taxi doesn’t mean the other parents must be obliged to do pick ups. How are these children ever going to cope when they leave home or go to uni.

I voted YABU because I think all you parents have been taking the piss a bit here.

You should have suggested a taxi long ago instead of leaving it to this poor mum.

If I was her, I would just pick up my own dd and fuck the other girls off.

No way would I be doing this. I mean I can't imagine my DD going out (she doesn't drink fur one thing) and expecting sunrise to collect her - a special occasion maybe.
I'd suggest to the driving mum that the girls need to sort it themselves. I'm amazed they can afford to go out so much!

Do none of the girls drive? We used to take it in turns to drive at that age (all borrowing parents car).