To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

I was a bit of an anxious helicopter mum myself so I understand why she picks them up. TBH I don’t think she’s doing her daughter any favours though. This is the time where the teenager learns to manage this stuff before she goes away to university where there will be no emergency safety net.

But you can’t stop her doing it. All you can do is set your own boundaries.

Although I was anxious, I would never have set up a group chat with sixth form parents. That’s taking cotton wool parenting to another level. The woman in the group who hasn’t yet engaged probably finds it weird and doesn’t know what to say!

You sound bloody lovely. I’m sure he really appreciates it. I don’t work shifts so no excuse really. I do have a stressful job and I just love my downtime at weekends now the kids are older and it’s not so hectic

I would have given a lift at 12 a.m. but I have never heard of lifts at 3.a.m. Everyone shares taxis at that time. I did as a teenager as did my own children and their friends,

Same! Was an amazing couple of years. And parents didn’t pick us up! We drove or got taxis

It's only once a month, I'd do it.

i don’t work shifts so no excuse really. I do have a stressful job and I just love my downtime at weekends now the kids are older and it’s not so hectic

You don't need an excuse to not want to pick up your adult daughters from an optional activity (clubbing) on a regular basis and 3 bloody am.

I would do this for DD when she is older - my dad did it for me, as did my older sister.
But then I grew up abroad where I was still at school at 18, and the expectation of being an older teen wasn't the same as here. You were an adult at 21, and even then my dad would have come out to get me if I'd been stuck. (My mother didn't drive) They both always made sure I had money and means to call them when I went out.
I ended up so independent I moved across the world alone at 22, and haven't lived at home since then - I've been successfully organising my own transport and nights out since then. Regardless of where I ended up, I always knew my parents were at the end of a phone call and would have some advice if I ever got into a sticky situation (which luckily I never did)

I'd do this in a heartbeat and would be grateful for the rota. Yeah technically adult woman but oh so vulnerable. It's a lot more convenient than therapy and a destroyed daughter after something terrible happens.

I totally agree with this

Why are there so many people suggesting the parents pay for a taxi?
Why are they not paying for their own taxi?
Do they not have jobs?
This is not a group of kids going to football practise on a Saturday afternoon this is a group of young adults.
Can i also ask a question what happens if one of the young women isn't there at 3am? What if she's gone off with someone? What does the parent do then?

No parent or friend of mine would ever agree to this unless it was an emergency op. I think some are forgetting most of us have more than one teen! We have more than just the occasional pick up, it’s relentless.

The girls are being completely unreasonable to be clubbing so far away without a proper plan to get home, I wouldn’t stand for it, and unless they have the capacity to figure out basic arrangements and safety then they shouldn’t be going.

This kind of clubbing needs to be a one off. It’s the regularity that it is the issue here, and the distance.

I know. The whole thing is ludicrous.

ffs adults relying on mummy to pik them up-tell them to get a taxi

When does that stop? And I don't see how getting a licensed taxi is dangerous, especially if it's the one OP mentions

Didnt you work in 6th form/when you were 18? That’s how we all paid for nights out.

@zaffa exactly this I found my DS’s would not take advantage but always knew we were a phone call a way for a lift. They were late August babies so still 17 when all their mates were 18 so often got in pubs but turned away from nightclubs often they would sort a taxi for themselves but always knew we would get them if needed.

Yanbu.

I would say that the girls need to sort a taxi out. If the other mum wants to give them a lift that’s up to her but she can’t expect others to do the same.

I’d absolutely pick my DC up on the rare occasion or in an emergency but not for regular, planned nights out. I’d help with taxi fare if needs be but that’s it.

I’ve got a bit of second hand embarrassment that a group of mums have been gathered to discuss & manage the travel arrangements of adults.
YANBU - time to encourage your daughter and her friends to organise a taxi!

They drink at my house (bring their own booze) then walk into town and go to Wetherspoon for a couple jugs of cocktails, then get the bus to the club and I think they hardly drink in there, DD usually seems more sober when I’ve seen her when she gets in then after they’ve had the pre-drinks!

I would expect my children to pay and to make their own way home if they are old enough for clubbing.
Pickup at 3 am is insane.

It would be an additional £15 each max (for 4 girls at £60 taxi).

it’s part of the cost of going out to the other town, they can pay it or if they can’t afford it, they can’t afford to go clubbing to the other town and nights out will have to stop at pubs shutting.

Or as they are all 18, one stays sober for the night and drives.

Realistically, you wouldn't have to keep doing this for years on end so it shouldn't be such a hardship to take it in turns with the other parents.

Picking your own teenage daughter up (likely she would have been drinking) should be more important than a glass of wine you'd like to enjoy yourself.

I can't see how teenagers can afford to go clubbing every week so it can only twice a month as an absolute maximum. More like once a month. If they really can afford it more often, then they can afford a reputable taxi service as well.

Once a month I wouldn't have a problem with picking up at 3AM at the weekend.
It really doesn't last forever.

My DH or I pick our daughter up from town when she is out, however 2am is our cut off and we rotate with other parents so a similar situation. I am very paranoid about young girls out at night and getting taxi’s - I know I can’t mollycoddle forever but I like to make sure she and her friends get home safe whilst I still can (my DD is 19).

I was hoping nobody would say this! I’ve told DH that if you lot vote IABU then he is doing half of them!😂

That is a perfectly reasonable taxi fee to pay per person. They’re old enough to go out and drink so they’re old enough to get home on their own. I notice no discussion of the men doing the pick ups, only the women.