To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

This. They can surely split a taxi fare?
Or just do something else.
I can't imagine being picked up from a club by a parent!

A Levels start in May don’t they? Getting back at 4ish must muck up the whole weekend. I would be saying time on this if they want decent grades.

My mum was that mum. I’ve also been that mum when needed (DD or DD friend too pissed to get in taxi, we turn up with a bucket etc). Not as part of plan though, but tbf we live in a city with good uber coverage.
What does DD want? I’d do it once a month if it was wanted, I wouldn’t do it every week though.

I think the girls need to drop the clubbing to once a month and put the money they save by doing so towards a taxi. Or accept that they have to leave earlier. I would be happy to fetch them once a month around midnight, no way at 3am.
Also why are no dads included in this arrangement?!

So you don’t have children?

I would have been the same! Kids are a bit different now in that respect I think. This lot really did miss quite a bit if socialising and growing up
on lockdowns. All the more reason to encourage a bit of independence now I say!

I would be telling dd to socialise locally. Ridiculous that they are doing this so regularly in another town so far away!

Message back and say you don’t think the clubbing in the other town is working, and needs to stop. Given you are funding it. I think it’s reasonable to say it’s not safe or affordable in the long term. Or they agree to leave at a reasonable hour (midnight) why are they calling the shots? They are old enough to sort themselves out.

I have done this when necessary for older and now younger dc so therefore yes, I would do it without hesitation. I don’t sleep until they are home anyway so it makes no difference to me.

I think the other mum doesn't want to add another cost to her daughter's nights out and would rather pick the girls up. But, naturally, she doesn't want to do all the driving. If all 4 families took turns it would be one pick up every 2 months? If both parents helped it would be once every 4 months, ie 3 times a year. I think the clubbers should work this out for themselves and they'll have to if the driving mum puts her foot down and refuses to be taken advantage of any longer.

Did you make it clear you'd be offering to cover the cost? Is it possible she'd be ok with the taxi safety wise, but doesn't want to pay £15 when she feels it's someone else's turn?

The entire post is really about all these Mums and friends taking the piss out of one Mum for months. It is shameful.

Get a taxi. Pay for it. Not hard. If the other Mum still wants to pick her DD up that is up to her but the others should stop taking advantage of this Mum.

Massive eyeroll.....

I had exactly the same situation growing up - nearest night club was about 10 miles away.
We just got a bus there, and shared a taxi back between 3-4 of us!

Absolutely no chance would by parents have picked me up at 3am unless it was an emergency.

It sounds like the other two sets of parents won't be offering lifts or to pay.

That’s a little presumptuous.

My severely disabled stepson is very unlikely to require a lift home from a nightclub at 3am.

Really depends on where you live - growing up we were semi rural and my parents would pick us up as taxis are a nightmare and my dad always said he couldn’t sleep until he knew we were home safe - this want on into our 20’s and even now he will offer if we are staying at their house. It’s different in cities/at uni or where other transport is easy.

I thought everyone did this for their kids and I do the same for mine…..this thread is the first time it’s occurred to me it’s not the standard

I don’t thinkYABU and neither is the other girls mother. However, if it was my daughter I would pick her up on a rota - and we did do this for our two daughters. The thing is although they are 18 they are still growing up and finding their way through adulthood (both now past uni age and living independently). Being able to keep them that little bit safer while they negotiate this is a good thing - and like a PP has already suggested it was nice to be part of their world and be there if needed.

When you say others do you mean the clubbers or their parents?

@Scorchio84 take that as a no then.

They should be getting a cheap hotel room to share overnight. That's what we all did at that age. Cheaper than taxis and you can pick them up in the morning.

To be fair the OP has offered petrol money.

The other two sets of parents are probably thinking their adult daughters can sort their own transport if they want to go clubbing. Much like many of us on this thread. I think there's a different in attitudes to this from the parents here. The mum doing the lifts is probably overly worried about her daughter getting a taxi.

The mums taking it in turns only works if all mums agree and do their fair share. You’ve said no and it doesn’t seem like the other two are keen either. Fair enough.

At 18 they are all old enough to either take it in turns for one of them to be a designated driver or they put money aside for a taxi collectively. At 18 I was out clubbing most weekends and would certainly not have expected any parent to come and get me at that time of morning. I think you mums need to leave it to them to sort themselves out. If they all stick together when coming home, the risks should hopefully be minimised.

This, set up a rota and whoever's turn it is can either drive or pay for a taxi

I think the mum is anxious and thinks it's safer that a parent picks the girls up. She's not comfortable with a taxi so she's always going to have to pick up if nobody else will. Once a month doesn't seem like a big ask if the other two won't (& if you have a partner you could split it). I get that her anxiety is her problem and why should you put yourself out but you and the other two parents in the interest of kindness should. Entirely up to you but I get why she's upset.

Just a few thoughts..

The Mum, whilst brilliant for doing this has also made a rod for her own (and potentially others’) back(s). I’m torn as it is lovely that she has ensured the safety of their trip home, however she also set a precedence without discussing it.

The girls. Staggeringly selfish. Expecting a 3am pick up from anybody is ridiculous, unless the person picking up is genuinely up and about at that time. They absolutely need to factor in the cost of a (I would suggest pre-booked) taxi into their night out.

Seeing as you were willing to give petrol money to the Mum picking up then would a compromise be the parents clubbing in for a taxi kitty?

Growing up, my parents always made sure there was taxi money on the hall table incase our lift home fell through or we didn’t have the cash (the latter was never abused)