To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

Most students don't have cars and I think the risk of having an accident while driving late at night is greater than the risk of everyone sharing a taxi.

You sound like fun at parties! A group of young adults going clubbing twice a month isn’t excessive in the slightest - it’s perfectly normal and it’s the way that young people socialise. Would you rather your teens were tucked up with a book in bed by 10pm on a Saturday?

If we weren't getting a taxi (rare as expensive) or walking home (it was the 90s), my parents were always happy to come and get me and my friends at pretty much any time, from anywhere. My dad said he could never properly sleep until I was home anyway :D
DH and I do the same for DS (17) and his friends now. I feel privileged that I get to do this, if I'm honest, and I love listening to their chatter in the car. He'll be off at uni or work or whatever before we know it, I don't feel it's too much to ask at all.

I wouldn't be safe driving at that time of night! I'd be half asleep, so picking them up wouldn't have been an option for me.

😂😂😂 It may have escaped your attention that most young people like to go out and enjoy themselves. Going to a club twice a month is hardly excessive for an 18 year old and isn't very likely to lead them along the path to alcoholism.

Share a taxi is the best option, he’s a safe DBS checked driver,
I picked up our eldest DS when he started to go out to the clubs with friends (usually around 3 am)
He suffered from anxiety ( still does) but wanted to go out, he also has dyspraxia , no sense of direction. It got to a point after a few months, I got fed up, was tired etc
I asked him to get the night bus home one night with friends, this dropped them back to our main bus station, which was then a 30 minute walk home, crossing a level crossing, possible walk along the quay, so a few potential hazards.
I didn't sleep at all ! Until I heard him come in and I thought I’m never doing that again!
He did stop going after a while, wasn't his thing.
Our DD is now nearly 15, dreading her social life…. The night life town near to us is now absolutely vile, much more violent, more attacks , such a shame .

Like you, I think that a reliable taxi company is by far and away the best solution here. I'd probably text the other mum and ask how she was feeling about the taxi idea, so that she can see that you're genuinely engaging to support her to stop driving them and not just palming her off.

If you're not short of money I would also offer to her to book and pay for the first few times, and ensure that her daughter is dropped off first so she isn't alone in the taxi. That feels like a bit more parental oversight which might help her worries on safety, and offering to cover the first few feels fair as she has been doing the lifts.

It's fine we have different opinions based on our own lived experiences

He does indeed and is in fact not childish enough as some mentioned about their kids "to be mortified " about getting a lift home at 2am with his friends, they're all actually quite mature and grateful to get a lift so I guess I'm very lucky with him, a lifts a lift in his eyes.

@aprayeratatime

you are quite right, they should be at home tucked up in bed every night with a cup of cocoa. Everyone knows that anyone who goes out to pubs and clubs is a raging alcoholic afterall.

Good for you.
I find it very difficult to get to sleep and there is zero way I would get any decent sleep fully dressed on a sofa and I would struggle to function after doing that and then driving for an hour at 3am. I work full time and feel I deserve a bit of rest at the weekend. Oh and most weekends I drive up to elderly DPs on a Sunday which is an hour away and I would struggle to do that on little to no sleep.

In an emergency of course yes I would get up to collect and I have taken DS to the airport with his pal at 4 am, but for a bunch of 18 year olds who could easily either get a cab or come home earlier- I could do midnight once every month if pushed - no chance am I wrecking my weekend.

You regularly pick up family members at 3am after clubbing?

I'd do it occasionally for my DC for an occasion, probably not as a regular thing. When I was 18 I lived 20 miles from the nearest nightclub and was usually designated driver, and had just as much fun sober. Approx once every couple of months I'd stay the night with a friend after we went clubbing. They need to sort themselves out basically.

Im with you OP. I rarely gave lifts to my children and I definitely wouldn't have at that age. I said if they wanted to go somewhere they had to work out how to get themselves there and back.

I think this is quite unusual.

i definitely wouldn’t have expected my parents to pick me up each time I went clubbing well into adulthood. I would have felt really guilty that they were having to forego sleep when I was more than capable of getting into a taxi with friends. I’m surprised you didn’t feel bad asking them all the time? Also my partner would never ever expect me to pick up at 5am. Unless it’s an emergency in which case of course I’d be there like a shot, I think it’s quite selfish expecting family members to stay up till the early hours of the morning just because you want to go to clubbing when you’re a fully grown adult

I'm maybe a pushover but I'd happily do mums taxi - and do! to know my dc and mates get home ok. Anything from 11pm to 3am ish.
Myself or dh go. Often if one of the old college mates go then I go 8 miles one direction and 3 miles the opposite. The city they drink in is closest to us

Surely the girls should be paying for their own taxi!

Oh that carpet was the stuff of legend !!! Good times !

Personally I 100% would be there to pick my DD and any friends up after a night out, so would my DH as long as it wasn’t every night. I don’t think id sleep anyway knowing my 18 year old was out drinking. I just don’t think the risks are worth it. My mum or dad would always collect me after a night out if I needed it. A taxi driver murdered a girl after a night out here.

I’d do it. I did do it. I also always told my daughter that she could ring me any time, didn’t matter, if she needed anything at that age. I never had that safety net growing up and I wanted to make sure she did. One Saturday a month without Chardonnay isn’t going to hurt.

I think a rota is fair and if you want to fork out for a taxi when it’s your turn that seems reasonable. I don’t think it’s great that the other parents are just hoping if they stay quiet someone else will pick up their DDs. They need to get involved in figuring out how to share the lifts.

It is possible to have and be fun without drinking. Then there are added benefits of being able to drive safely and no hang overs.

That’s very true. But they want to have a drink and there is nothing wrong with them doing that, nightclubs are not as fun sober!

If we go to our local city taxis range anywhere from £60-£100 and we pay it! I would pick her up if she was alone but in a group they should be ok getting a taxi

Mothers sorting out their grown daughters clubbing home arrangements is baffling to me haha I guess you upgraded from the cliquey school gate mums