To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

What she wants and what is realistic are often two very different things. The girl can sacrifice drinking every month or two so that her mum gets some sleep. A taxi would be an option or they pay a friend to collect them and/or they reduce the clubbing to once a month.

The mum should just get her own daughter and let the others sort themselves out.

The mum can sacrifice being ott and let the girls get a taxi. This isn't about the girls willingness to get a taxi it's the mum saying she needs to get them. That's on her

Yep she should. As op said he dd doesn't mind getting a taxi and is happy to.

This 💯
I can just imagine what the answer would be. If the girls are old enough to go clubbing then they are old enough to arrange their own transport home safely without having their mum manage it for them. This is why young people cannot function when the move away from home to university because everything is planned and managed for them.

That's a fair point. I just disagree about what you said about it being unfair on the girl because she wants to drink. It's a small sacrifice to make on occasion and can be combined with taxis/ others driving as they get their license.

@Ceecee2422 Ubers are not everywhere at all and even in big cities they can turn you down for a trip that takes them miles out of town for a single fair. Recently we had this happen in Birmingham-5 accepted initially then rejected as they didn’t want to do a 50 min round trip for one fair when during that time they could have done several and made more money.

https://www.wikihow.com/Check-if-Uber-Is-Available-in-Your-Area

This exactly. My sleep is shit. I can never have a lie in or go back to bed. A 3am drive (so back to bed at what 4am?) would mess with my sleep and tiredness levels for days. It would have an impact on my work.

They are adults. They can sort themselves out.

I have boys and have happily done this. They are over 18 but I'd still much rather pick them up than have them wait around for a taxi. I love the chats we have at that time of the morning.

Learn to drive & don't drink
Get home themselves

It doesn't. I live 20 minutes from my nearest town and there's no Uber. I live in NI. It only seems to be in the cities here.

True - where are the Dads? My DH needs much less sleep than me. (And sleeps far better). So he tends to do the party pick ups - though for a 16 year old at 11.30. Not an 18 year old at 3am.

I think a pre booked taxi would be more reliable than Uber so may be good to park the Uber arguments. Yes they are more places these days but can be unreliable in certain areas and then you’re stuck.

@Mirabai I picked up my daughter at whatever time was necessary throughout her teens when she was coming home late to keep her safe and also during any of the other periods when she was living at home since then. If she was with friends who needed to get home then I always took them too. During that time I always worked full time apart from when I was off work for three months following major surgery for cancer treatment. The world didn't end because I was tired the next day. And the OP isn't saying that she's being expected to pick up her fighter and friends twice a month - she is being asked to take a turn in a rota which woukd her mean doing the trip once every two months, not fortnightly.

Did she? All I saw is that OP said she’d contribute £12.50 or pay for a taxi once every 2 months.

I get the Uber issue, I wish we had it where I live. It sounds hopeful so fingers crossed for you.

I really struggle to get back to sleep if I wake up at that sort of time.

I was woken up at a similar time last week and it's taken all week to recover! I felt horrendous!

I would pay the entire taxi fare myself every time rather than do this!

Well they don't come here I wish they did.

If these young women, are adult enough to go out clubbing, they are old enough to get in a taxi.

I wonder what age the taxi mum considers it will become safe?

Fair enough. But if the girls are going out often then it isn't fair for the others to rely on her. She isn't insisting they shouldn't get a taxi. So as long as they all agree on a taxi then it isn't fair that she should drive all the time. Imagine assuming here rhat the girl who can drive is happy to get a taxi and not relying on the other mum

Yes she did. She has literally said dd is happy to get a taxi

I'd do it IF taxis weren't an option but they are!

My DH wouldn't do it I don't think and he'd probably say I'd be a mug for doing it. It wouldn't be so bad if there were 2 parents for each that drive and so it would work out at only doing it once every couple of months. That's not looking like an option though as it's only this one mum that's willing to do it.

The taxi isn't £50-£60 each but between 4. Even if it was £20 each I'd rather pay for it than get up in the middle of the night.

Good for you. Perhaps you have more energy and are less affected by a lack of sleep than most women, perhaps you were younger when you were doing this than many mums of teens, or perhaps you were just more self sacrificing, who knows. What is ironic is that you say 'the world didn't end because I was tired the next day'. The world will be even less likely to end if a group of 18 year olds don't go clubbing and drinking twice a month!

God no. They can get a taxi. I lived similar distance from a city so it was either get the last train home at 11 or pay for taxi. No way would i have dreamed of asking my parents to lift me. The cost was factored into the night out or you just didn't go

It’s a good point to all the Mum taxis. What age is deemed safe enough for them to get a taxi home? 20/25/30? Are you following them up to Uni?

I’d just pay for a taxi for them when it was my ‘turn’.