To not reciprocate 3am pick ups by other Mum?

[bringmetolife]

DD and three friends go clubbing in a town 13 miles away about two Saturdays a month. There isn’t a great nightlife for teens in our town, there are several pubs, some are open late, but it’s pretty tame and I understand why they go further afield.

DD’s friend’s Mum started collecting them in October when her daughter and her BF broke up (he used to do it for petrol money and the others would contribute, there were three originally but now another has turned 18) I was incredulous when DD told me she was collecting them at at 3am, sometimes later, I gave DD cash to give her for petrol but she wouldn’t take it, I get that, I’d probably feel awkward about it too. So I bought a voucher for a local restaurant that I know she and her DH like, and put it in a Christmas card for her. Based on what I know about the other two, I think they have probably not offered anything.

For context, there is no Uber where we live, and a taxi home is about £50-£60.

So here is the AIBU - yesterday the driving Mum sent a WhatsApp to me and the other two Mums (no Dad’s mentioned or included) basically saying (nicely and reasonably) that she’s had enough, and that she’d like to be able to plan more things for herself at weekends (perfectly reasonable) She said about how we all know the risks to girls (I don’t disagree) and that to keep them safe, perhaps we could start a rota so that we take it in turns to collect them. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long week at work giving up my Saturday night (and my glass or three of Chardonnay) to go and collect three pissed teenagers in the middle of the night.

I replied saying that she’s a bloody hero for doing it as long as she did, and I totally get why she doesn’t want to continue. But that I’m not up for doing the lifts, sorry. I suggested that I can speak to DD about pre-booking a taxi (the service that used to take my DS to school, DBS checked, well known to us and only three drivers, all of which we know) One other Mum replied that she can’t as her husband is disabled but didn’t really suggest anything. Radio silence from the other one. Slightly frosty reply from driving Mum today saying if nobody else is going to do it tonight then she will have to. But then something else will have to be sorted long term.

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

YABU- I’m being a selfish ungrateful arse, she’s done it for weeks, now it’s my turn to share the load.

YANBU - the girls can book a taxi, they need to start taking responsibility for this stuff to prepare for uni and nobody should be guilted into getting up at 3am!

It's never going to be 'your turn'.. Nobody agreed to split the pick ups in the first place. Let the girls book and pay their own taxi. It's their night out...

She said:

AIBU? I’m really not up for getting up at that time and doing a thirty mile journey unless it’s an emergency. A taxi would be £12.50-£15 each, the girls should factor this into their night out. I’m happy to pay it for DD while she’s still studying.

So she’s only willing to pay £12.50, which is what I said.

They're old enough to go clubbing, they're old enough to get themselves home. Absolutely not a cat in hells chance will I be running around at 3am for any of my kids when they reach 18 and they decide to go out on the piss, the ONLY time I'd do it is if it was an emergency and I'm not talking about losing a shoe here, like an actual emergency that needed prompt attention.

It's not hard to factor in taxi costs.

Well, I’d agree to taking turns and then pay for a taxi every two months. Not everyone is going to have the same opinion on this. Obviously.

Fuck me, they're at least 18, let them sort it.

Why do you feel it is not safe for them all to share a taxi? They can all stay at one house or they can take the license number and send it to their parents.

Do you never get taxis?

Yes…

I have 4 kids and all living at home, the older 3 are 17 onwards, we live in Dublin and taxis are plentiful but over christmas I told them if they can't get a taxi ring me and I collect, half hour each way, different times they all rang and I collected them and twice I had a drink so their dad collected them. I can't see the big deal to be honest and if it's only once a month I'd happily do it even if the other parents didn't, I wouldn't want them getting taxis, and it's not for ever, only gping to be teems for a short time let them enjoy it. Can't understand how many of you are so outraged to be honest, most of my friends do it their kids too, it's not the big deal you are allmaking it to be

That's up to you but clearly it is 'a big deal' to some people. As I said to another poster, perhaps you are less affected by lack of sleep, are younger or don't have a demanding full time job. It's bizarre that you can't seem to imagine why some people may not want to massively disrupt their sleep so that their children can go clubbing at all hours.

I'd do it / take it in turns with your husband. If you all take turns it shouldn't be that often.
Also why can't the Mum with the disabled husband help ?
Can he not be left alone?

DH did it for our DC and friends for years. Not every week butt often enough. Even on NYE. Other parents wouldn't forgo a drink on a weekend.

I was this other mum and it totally pissed me off no one else would volunteer to do pickups (1am not 3am) the other parents didn't seem to care if their kids got home safely or not.

She should just pick up her own daughter.
If the other parents are not bothered how their daughters get home that's not her problem.

She most likely didn't include husbands as she probably assumed you others would discuss with them?

They go only 2 sats each month so you'd only do it once (if that) a month.

If that's too much then tell your daughter she needs to find a new method of socialising that doesn't involve needing a lift.

I'm 53, so hardly a young mam, I work part time and husband full time? It's once a bloody month😊 anyway I wouldn't be able to sleep fully if my 18 year is out till 3, surprised that so many of you seem to be able to switch off and sleep soundly. . Still everyone's different and just my point of view

Agree

Well at uni it isn’t going to cost 50-60 for a taxi home…

That's fine, but the other mum should only pick her kid up in that case, you and poster can sort whatever for your kids.

Ahhh you haven't read the ops updates where she states her dd is happy to get a taxi

Fair play to you all. No way I'd do this. I pick parents up but they have never and would never dream of asking anyone to get them at that time. But everyone is different and it works for you.

And you’re after some kind of martyr’s medal? The world will not end because DD has to make her own way home. OP is being asked to take part in a rota she has no need to take part in.

@rainingsnoring No, I doubt that I was younger than most of the other posters on this thread - by the time my daughter was 18, I was 55. We lived around 10 miles from her school so most of her friends lived some distance away from us, so I had been doing round trips of well over an hour for about four years by then. My daughter had lived back at home for three quite long periods since she finished university, and I've always been happy to pick her up at any time to keep her safe. She was living here for most of last year, and it wasn't a problem to pick her up when she was particularly late, despite being 67 now.

@Mirabai No, I don't want a martyr's medal - I've just always done what all the other parents I know do to keep their children safe if they're coming home late at night.

Well quite. What about all the 18 year olds already at uni? And these girls is this mum going to run her round at uni? At some point you have to let the apron strings go and trust them to take care of themselves safely.

The problem is where we are, taxis don’t run past 11 so it’s just something we’ve always been brought up with so it doesn’t feel out of the ordinary to us.

Apparently taxis aren’t safe at 18 but are safe at 19? When does this ferrying around end?

You’re not ‘keeping them safe’ by collecting them - you’re just stopping them from developing independence and becoming streetwise. A very important skill. I was travelling across Europe at 17. Some of you need to
cut the apron strings. And stop insinuating that you care more about your children because you martyr yourself. And that other parents are lazy or prefer to have a glass of wine or a social life.

They are merely encouraging independence in 18 year olds which is very important. By picking them up they probably think ‘oh I don’t need to get a job’ or ‘I can spend more money on drinks as I don’t need money for a taxi’. There’s no ‘actually maybe I won’t go out tonight as I’m a bit strapped for cash’ Because Mummy will be always sat there at 3am waiting for them…